Ever wanted to ask 'Why?' realizing you would never get an answer?

[The Straight Story]

As I have mentioned before my son is in the military, and will be shipping off to war soon.

But that is not what this OP is about (ie, is not about Obama/policy/war etc). But I think it has some relevance to it all which is why I mentioned it (and will refer to it later).

I spent about an hour on the phone with my son last night. I had not seen them for 8 years (3 sons) after I split with my x (initially I did, then she got remarried and it all went to hell).

Last night he said he wishes his mom was alive so he could ask her 'why'. Why she cut me out of the picture, why she lied and told them when they were little boys I never wanted to see them again, why she let some controlling ass abuse him all the while he (my son) was trying to help his mom out as she got sicker and sicker (and eventually died in 2005).

He is 23 tomorrow, has two kids he loves dearly, and has all the worries that come with being a young parent - same as his mom and I did.

He joined the military to better provide for those kids. It scares him at times, but he is dedicated to doing his job (this last week he was out in the heat picking grass out of rocks as part of a beautification project, then training next week, then shipping off to war). He is willing to do whatever it takes to be able to provide for his kids and make sure they have what they need.

Which is why he so wants to ask her 'Why?'. And he cannot now.

Her actions led those kids down a path they never asked to be on. Now my youngest has joined the army as well (Ships out next month) and my middle aged son is lost somewhere in the middle and clinging to religion to give him answers to questions he probably does not even realize he has.

And I find myself, at times, in the same situation. wanting to ask why and realizing I won't ever get an answer to it. Whether it be from my X or certain politicians.

He asks why, and I have no answers except when they relate to me and my own actions.

And now, as before, I ask why when it comes to wars and building up troops and putting them in harm's way.

Why are we doing it? Who are we saving? What threat are we protecting ourselves from? If the terrorists are here in the US why are we there instead of more of our troops being here?

We put our kids in harm's way, and then make excuses as to why it is ok. My X had her own rationale for it all. And now our politicians do as well.

Maybe she was trying to save her marriage, herself, whatever. But wrong is still wrong.

In the end, whatever war she was fighting ended up hurting the very kids she wanted to protect.

And in the end here, whatever wars we are fighting have ended up hurting a lot more of our kids and loved ones.

Politicians, like my X, are trying hard to please those paying the bills. But in so doing they forgot about those that they are trying to protect in a misguided effort.

I got all that when bush was in power. And I still get it.

Want to save our kids and fellow citizens? Then end the wars that are costing them their lives and put those defense contractors and oil mongers in their place.

Otherwise, all you are doing is enabling the same behaviors we see time and again.

Which leaves me to ask the same thing my son did. Why?

He will never get the answer he seeks. And I doubt we will either.

[Mike 03]

1. Kick and Rec. NT

[Mr. Ected]

2. Poignant, SS.

A lot of people live on faith in the afterworld in the hopes that the "whys" in life are finally answered.

[Mike 03]

3. This is one of those rare DU posts that bleeds so much truth that I wish there were some way to pin

it to the top of the screen for all of eternity.

This is one of the primary quandaries of life. I feel for this post, and I can relate to so many things in it, and I thank the author for sharing this.

[Mr. Ected]

4. Me, Too.

So many regrets, so few answers.

[Mike 03]

7. Thanks. I hope others contribute to this valuable thread.

Be well, Mr. Ected, and thank you for your attention to this thread.

[The Straight Story]

6. means a lot coming from you my friend

been a rough few days for me, especially after talking to my son last night.

Had I been there more and not left, maybe he would be in college instead, if his mom had not done what she did, maybe he would be somewhere else, etc.

I can own up to my mistakes, explain them, give him the answers he needs/wants. He understands them and can appreciate them. She cannot give him answers. And just like with our politicians, we are left with questions that seem to never be answered.

When he asks why when it comes to some things, I can give him no answers. And that seems to be what we are so frustrated ourselves over even now.

We ask why, and we get no answers, just results.

At least my X has a reason not to answer, she has passed on. It is frustrating to me and others when we ask why and know we will never get and answer because folks refuse to give one.

Which makes me ask...why?

[Tangerine LaBamba]

5. For some things, there are no answers ........

And I have learned, in my long life, that "Why?" questions are almost always impossible to answer when human behavior is concerned.

Your sons have to make their own way, but it sounds good that you're back in their lives. It in no way makes up for the lost years and the hard times they had, but maybe they'll find their own peace by being the people they really are, using their mother's bad example as the picture of what not to be.

That they have to do it by putting themselves in harm's way is tragic and frightening and sad. They should have easier and better choices.

We are wasting everything we've got - our youth, our resources, our everything - by pursuing nothing in Iraq and Afghanistan. Every death there is for nothing, every dollar spent is lost and wasted, every day is another weight around our country's neck, dragging us down.

There are no answer to any of your questions, but I'm glad you posted this and maybe helped get some of it out of your system, if only for a little while. Your fear for your sons while they're gone will be constant, and I am so sorry for all of you for that. I hope it will all go well, that they'll be safe and come home strong and whole. We have to hope for the best even while The Powers That Be make these decisions that ruin our lives.

There are no answers. There are only vows not to do it the way it was done to us ................

[The Straight Story]

9. So true what you said:

"We are wasting everything we've got - our youth, our resources, our everything - by pursuing nothing in Iraq and Afghanistan. Every death there is for nothing, every dollar spent is lost and wasted, every day is another weight around our country's neck, dragging us down."

My x wasted all she had in keeping me out of things, as it turns out it was more to protect herself than the kids. In her last days she finally got it all and told my oldest son that if he wanted to find me he should. She put all she had into this one guy and herself in an effort to protect the kids, when it turns out all she was protecting was herself (and I don't think she was a bad woman at heart, she just made mistakes, she tried and I fall into that category myself, lord knows I could have done better).

From what my son has told me she knew she had made a mistake, was planning on divorcing the guy, but died before she could. She wanted to do the right thing, but for years did the wrong thing.

I think most here in the US want to do the right thing. I think Obama wants to as well. But we keep doing the wrong thing, we keep funding it, and we keep seeing people over there getting hurt and our kids dying.

Why?

[Tangerine LaBamba]

10. The Mob knew -

the correct answer is always the most obvious:

Follow the money.

The military-industrial complex, and that includes the massive numbers of "independent contractors," have huge financial interests in keeping it all going.

Remember the old canard that "war is good for the economy"? Well, that used to be so, when we made our own tanks and guns and ships and stuff that was used in WWII.

Things have changed.

There are millions of people involved in our staying in the Middle East.

It's money. And, yes, it's that simple ..................

[mmonk]

8. That why has been asked many times.

Won't it be great when we don't have to ask it anymore?

[Mythsaje]

11. My ex did basically the same thing...

For five years I had no contact with my boys, until I heard through the grapevine that she was divorcing the asshole she left me for. When we split, she left the oldest with me, then snatched him back six months later. Then initiated the worst kind of custody fight, one that I had no resources to fight.

Five years. She claimed--still claims, in fact that she took them to protect them. Except her husband was a verbal and emotionally abusive control freak who lost custody of his own son soon after they got together. Then the next boyfriend molested our oldest.

He's had anger issues since she first took him, and he says straight out that it had pissed him off. He was just a little over four at the time, but he remembers it. He knew his alphabet and how to count to thirty or forty and I was beginning to teach him to read. When she got him over there, he refused to do any of it. As I told her at the time, when she said that he couldn't do his alphabet or numbers, was that he probably resented being treated like a trained monkey. He's since verified the accuracy of this observation. I understand the boy better than anyone, given that he's a bit like a mini-me.

He's fifteen now, and we're close as we can be considering he lives all the way across the state and I usually only see him and his brother twice a year when they come over to visit.

She's unapologetic about it, though she hurt me and our oldest deeply. Our youngest wasn't really affected by it the same way, since he was only 1 when we split. The first thing he ever said to me was that his stepdad wouldn't let him eat seconds. The oldest has been diagnosed with PTSD and both have been diagnosed with A.D.D. With the younger, I can believe the latter, but I've never gotten that impression from the elder.

Last time I talked to her, she told me she'd started going to therapy, and that she'd been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. She started explaining what it was and I had to laugh quietly and shake my head, telling her that I knew what it was. Especially given that I'd figured that out right after we'd split up.

Neither of my sons will ever join the military. My oldest is most likely 4-F, given that he has only one functional kidney because of polycystic kidney disease. He doesn't participate in sports because it's believed that a good blow might kill him. I think he's probably more resilient than that, but it's not something I'd want to test either.

That whole custody battle gave me a rather dark view of lawyers for a long time. No one would touch my case without a thousand dollar retainer and the Guardian Ad Lidem basically told me that if I couldn't get a lawyer, I was screwed. He threw his weight against me because I didn't have the money and had no one I could borrow it from. He said he believed that it proved I didn't care enough.

To make matters worse, I deliberately avoided going back to confront my ex and her new husband after she took him, knowing it would simply result in a brawl on the front doorstep. So to pay me back for this exercise of wisdom and self-control, the judge berated me for not going there anyway, and laid a five year restraining order on me.

The minute I heard that she and her husband had split, I called her. Within five minutes her suspicion had vanished and we were chatting like old friends. She had a new arch-enemy, you see, and that was all it took. But she has never admitted to screwing up, to doing the wrong thing for, maybe, the right reasons (I don't doubt that she believed that she was protecting the boys--even though I was never a threat to either of them, nor to her. Though I REALLY wanted to kick her husband's ass. I knew better, though, and never did anything at all in that direction).

So suffice it to say that I know your pain in this regard.

[nadinbrzezinski]

12. Asked that many times

and please do me a favor and PM me his address if you know it. Will gladly put another care package in the mail... like we've done so many times before...