Heroic PETA Commandos Kill 49, Save Rabbit

[WilliamPitt]

*ducking, fleeing, giggling*

Heroic PETA Commandos Kill 49, Save Rabbit

NORFOLK, VA—In what has been dubbed the most "devastating and brutal siege in the history of animal-rights activism," an elite, paramilitary squad of commandos from People For The Ethical Treatment Of Animals (PETA) attacked and killed 49 employees at Couture Cosmetics' Norfolk, VA, research facility while saving a rabbit during a daring midnight raid Monday.

"Never in my life, not even during my tour of duty in Korea, have I seen such carnage," tearstruck Couture CEO Herman Frankel said, surveying the carnage. "My God, what will I tell the families of the victims of this massacre?"

According to the handful of survivors of the raid, Couture workers were first immobilized by gunshot wounds to the knees before being shot execution-style in the back of the head. PETA officials assured that no animals were harmed during the destruction of the complex.

The rabbit, a floppy-eared, speckled gray longhair with an adorable pink nose, was being used by Couture as part of an eyeshadow-allergy research project at the time of the rescue.

"Look at the cute bunny," said PETA commando Shirley "No Mercy" Dorn, a Norfolk-area petcare volunteer and leader of the PETA strike force. Lovingly cradling the rescued rabbit as she walked past the charred and dismembered bodies of its captors, she added, "Look at his nose! Look at his nose!"

In addition to the 49 executed, some 150 other animal researchers were savagely beaten. "They're lucky they escaped with their lives," PETA field marshall Donna "Skull" Saunders said. "Those who survived with only severed limbs got off too easily. They were probably putting itchy-powder in Flopsy's big, beautiful eyes."

Adressing the rabbit, Saunders continued: "Who's got a little powder-puff tail? Who? Who? Oh, yes, you do! Oh, yes, you have a furry little puffy-tail!"

She then fed the rabbit a carrot, causing its adorable pink nose to wiggle up and down, up and down as it chewed, making cute little chewy-faces.

The rest: http://www.theonion.com/content/news/heroic_peta_commandos_kill_49_save?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter

[KamaAina]

1. Oh poo. I was hoping it would be an original.

So I could have nominated it for a Lifetime Achievement DUzy! :rofl:

[havocmom]

24. I was just gonna order whatever it was Pitt was drinking.

You are a much finer person.

[Renew Deal]

2. lol

:rofl:

[aikoaiko]

3. FALs with folding stocks.

Sweet. I'm impressed with their choice of firearms.


;)

[old mark]

6. I have one just like that.

I like it a lot.
;-)

mark

[aikoaiko]

18. I envy you

I have a basic DSA SA58 in my closet, but I'm down to my last battle pack of South African ammo.

I wish I hadn't mag dump the other ones but I really didn;t think ammo would get soooo expensive or scarce.

I hope to get a folding stock and permanent top rail for a holographic optic, someday.

[old mark]

31. Actually, mine is like yours - I have no use for the folding stock.

I bought my FAL and ammo during the Bush years - I knew this was coming, and I wanted to be ahead of the curve.


FAL's are really great rifles, and a lot of fun to shoot.

mark

[MineralMan]

4. I'm going to start a new organization...just to use the acronym.

People for the Unusual Treatment of Animals.

It will be dedicated to those animal owners who dress their pets in costumes.

Then, we can get headlines:

PUTA Endorses Blessing of Animals
PUTA Protests Animal Nudity

[Terran]

9. Glad I wasn't drinking anything when I read your post...

You would have owed my employer a new keyboard. "PUTA"... :rofl:

[MineralMan]

13. Glad to oblige!

[Ignis]

11. I can get behind this.

And I do mean behind. *wink wink nudge nudge*

[kestrel91316]

One more EXCELLENT reason to love The Onion, and

William Pitt, too for bringing us this hysterical piece.

[joeybee12]

5. I was hoping it was real...

...I'd like to see some Mary Kay-er's pink cadillacs shot up.

[damntexdem]

15. Yeah, far better to have women suffer, perhaps die, ...

than to have cosmetics tested on rabbits.

I will not purchase any product advertised as not tested on animals -- to me, it indicates negligence on the part of the manufacturer.

[joeybee12]

17. At least destroy their mode of transportation...

...and tell me that rabbit fur is the same as human skin? Animal testing of cosmetics is not only cruel, but totally pointless.

[old mark]

7. The rabbit later died of overeating. nt

[sutz12]

8. Sick, but funny. nt

:)

[Blue_Tires]

10. the 49 had it coming...

:evilgrin: :hide:

[Ignis]

12. "Look at his nose! Look at his nose!"

Oh, Onion, how I love thee!

[EFerrari]

14. WP: Guess whose PETA warrior granddaughter this is.

:evilgrin:

[GrantDem]

20. Che

[EFerrari]

22. Yep.

[starroute]

23. How many t-shirts is she going to make it onto?

On edit: Though it does irresistibly bring to mind Karl Marx's remark that history repeats itself, first as tragedy and second as farce.

[The Stranger]

16. I would bet some PETA haters here will actually believe this to be real life.

They are so lost in their hate for PETA.

[yewberry]

25. And they will quote the article with a straight face,

and become exasperated when it is pointed out that the Onion is not a news source.

Count on it!

[flvegan]

27. "ZOMG they killeded puppies and cats and those 49 people. Terrorists!"

Yep, I can almost smell it already.

[Karmadillo]

26. Even by the low standards of Hate PETA Humor, this one is pretty lame.

nt

[AllentownJake]

32. Animal Abuse is just a sign of the corportarization of America

Honestly, I eat meat and am more worried about People. However, the corporate farms where they have turned growing living breathing organisms into a science fucking amazes me. They really did a number on the furriers and puppy mills. They'll never get people to agree with Chickens and Cows.


I also have no problem with medical testing...we'll use fetal cells I can't get upset with a monkey ethically if it will actually help people.

[krispos42]

19. Pshaw...

The Mary Kay Commandos have STYLE!

[Canuckistanian]

21. They hate us for our cosmetic freedom

I hope they choke on their vegan meat-like hot dogs.

[votingupstart]

28. had me for a second..... nt

[Iggo]

29. Good!

It's about time they did something to deserve the hate they get around here!

:rofl:

[Dr.Phool]

30. PETA sent a hit team after me, for using blue ointment!

They said I should have resigned myself to being a natural crab habitat.

[Berry Cool]

33. Um, folks, this isn't just a satire on PETA.

Surprised no one else picked up on the other layer of it.

Seems to me that another thing being ridiculed here was the very concept that it's OK to kill someone you have deemed "evil and murderous" in other to supposedly save someone else you have deemed to be "more worth" saving.

PETA makes themselves an easy target because while they seem to regard every animal life as precious--right down to that annoying disease-carrying fly that Obama killed--they don't seem to value human life nearly as much. They want humans to bend over backwards and even put themselves at risk to ensure that no animal loses a life by a human hand, ever.

Now, what kind of person does this remind us of? Perhaps, an anti-abortion nut so obsessed with saving the lives of all those "babies" "murdered" by abortion that he sees nothing wrong with killing doctors who perform abortions?

I see a big parallel between this fictional tale of PETA commandos who mow down 49 researchers to save a single cute bunny rabbit from cosmetics testing and the real-life murder or Dr. Tiller in the name of "saving all the cute adorable little babies he would otherwise kill." I am really surprised no one else did.

[Xenotime]

34. I thought this was real. I was about to applaud the effort.

[Bucky]

35. Here is how they fed the rabbit its carrots