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I Am A Conservative American Shithead....

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BlooInBloo Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Aug-09-09 09:33 PM
Original message
I Am A Conservative American Shithead....
I imagine this is an oldie, but it's definitely a goodie.

http://www.americablog.com/2009/08/i-am-american-conservative-shithead.html

This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock powered by electricity generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the U.S. Department of Energy.

I then took a shower in the clean water provided by a municipal water utility.

After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC-regulated channels to see what the National Weather Service of the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration determined the weather was going to be like, using satellites designed, built, and launched by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration.

I watched this while eating my breakfast of U.S. Department of Agriculture-inspected food and taking the drugs which have been determined as safe by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration.

At the appropriate time, as regulated by the U.S. Congress and kept accurate by the National Institute of Standards and Technology and the U.S. Naval Observatory, I get into my National Highway Traffic Safety Administration-approved automobile and set out to work on the roads build by the local, state, and federal Departments of Transportation, possibly stopping to purchase additional fuel of a quality level determined by the Environmental Protection Agency, using legal tender issued by the Federal Reserve Bank.

On the way out the door I deposit any mail I have to be sent out via the U.S. Postal Service and drop the kids off at the public school.

After spending another day not being maimed or killed at work thanks to the workplace regulations imposed by the Department of Labor and the Occupational Safety and Health administration, enjoying another two meals which again do not kill me because of the USDA, I drive my NHTSA car back home on the DOT roads, to my house which has not burned down in my absence because of the state and local building codes and Fire Marshal's inspection, and which has not been plundered of all its valuables thanks to the local police department.

And then I log on to the internet -- which was developed by the Defense Advanced Research Projects Administration -- and post on Freerepublic.com and Fox News forums about how SOCIALISM in medicine is BAD because the government can't do anything right.
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RagAss Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Aug-09-09 09:34 PM
Response to Original message
1. Always a Classic !
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bbinacan Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Aug-09-09 09:39 PM
Response to Original message
2. Yes
an Oldie but a Goodie. Thanks.
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ShamelessHussy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Aug-09-09 09:44 PM
Response to Original message
3. That is awesome!
I wish that would get turned into a youtube video, it might spread like wildfire (hint to ComedyCentral, MoveOn, or any video directors out there)

Thanks for sharing :toast:

K&R
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teranchala Donating Member (83 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Aug-09-09 09:47 PM
Response to Original message
4. I imagine you know this even older but still a goodie one

Joe gets up at 6 a.m. and fills his coffeepot with water to prepare
his morning coffee. The water is clean and good because some
tree-hugging liberal fought for minimum water-quality standards. With his first
swallow of coffee, he takes his daily medication. His medications are safe
to take because some stupid commie liberal fought to insure their safety
and that they work as advertised.

All but $10 of his medications are paid for by his employer's
medical plan because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid
medical insurance -- now Joe gets it, too. He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs.
Joe's bacon is safe to eat because some girly-man liberal
fought for laws to regulate the meat packing industry. In the morning shower, Joe reaches for his
shampoo.

His bottle is properly labeled with each ingredient and its amount in the total contents
because some crybaby liberal fought for his right to know what he was
putting on his body and how much it contained. Joe dresses, walks outside and
takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because some
environmentalist wacko liberal fought for laws to stop industries and government from
polluting our air. He walks to the subway station for his
government-subsidized ride to work. It saves him considerable money in parking and
transportation fees because some fancy-pants liberal fought for affordable public transportation,
which gives everyone the opportunity to be a contributor.


Joe begins his work day. He has a good job with excellent pay,
medical benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some lazy
liberal union members fought and died for these working standards. Joe's
employer pays these standards because Joe's employer doesn't want his employees to call the union.
Its noontime and Joe needs to make a bank deposit so he can pay some bills.


Joe's deposit is federally insured by the FSLIC because some godless liberal wanted to protect Joe's
money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before the Great Depression.
Joe has to pay his Fannie Mae-underwritten mortgage and his below-market federal student loan
because some elitist liberal decided that Joe and the government would be better off if he was
educated and earned more money over his lifetime. Joe is home from work. He plans to visit his
father this evening at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive. His car
is among the safest in the world because some America-hating liberal
fought for car safety standards. He arrives at his boyhood home. His was the third
generation to live in the house financed by Farmers' Home Administration because bankers didn't
want to make rural loans. The house didn't have electricity until-some big-government liberal
stuck his nose where it didn't belong and demanded rural electrification.

Joe is happy to see his father, who is now retired. His father lives on Social Security and
a union pension because some wine-drinking, cheese-eating liberal made sure he could take
care of himself so Joe wouldn't have to.

Joe gets back in his car for the ride home, and turns on a radio talk show. The radio host
keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good. He doesn't mention that Joe's
beloved Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his
day. Joe agrees. "After all, I'm a self-made man who believes everyone should take care of
themselves, just like I have."

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BlooInBloo Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Aug-09-09 09:51 PM
Response to Reply #4
5. Yep - *that* one I remember. Awesome one.
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lordsummerisle Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-10-09 12:10 AM
Response to Reply #4
7. Thanks for posting this

I remember Thom Hartmann reading this on the air a while back...
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Control-Z Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Aug-09-09 10:02 PM
Response to Original message
6. This is great!!
I'm saving it. I may even print up a few to have on hand for when I run into a mouthy conservative. I would think it could easily be edited to include even more examples, or shortened for those occasions when brief, talking points of a sort, are needed. Freerepublic.com and Fox News forums could be filled in with any number of applicable conservative groups/organizations.
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