To DU Parents, Have You Ever Said Things To Your Children In Anger?

[OmmmSweetOmmm]

As a parent, I have said things in anger to my children that were on par with Alec Baldwin. When I've done it, I have regretted what I've said, almost immediately. I then with no exception apologized. Then have discussed it with my kids.

I'm now curious about other DU parents. I want to know if I'm (and Alec Baldwin) are in the minority.

[monmouth]

1. My sons who are now in their 40's are great guys. However, they

did not become the fine young men they are without my verbal discipline. I recall "get your lazy asses down here now" as a regular part of discourse, along with "while I'm paying the bills, your tuition, cooking your meals and doing your damn laundry, the only thing I ask is DO THE DAMN HOMEWORK." No one needed therapy, they are well-rounded interesting people and as adults have often thanked me. I was a single parent, and tolerated no tom-foolery. Whew, glad that's behind us...lol. Who ever felt it necessary to make Baldwin's remarks available to the public might need a lesson or two themselves....

[shaniqua6392]

3. I agree with you there.

All parents make mistakes. We just need to be able to apologize if necessary. I find it horrible that the media is playing the private conversation with his daughter. I keep changing the channel whenever it comes on. Shame on Kim Basinger for releasing it. What a stupid woman. Does she not realize that her daughter could be hurt from the publicity? It was just a horrible act of vengeance without regard for the feelings of her child.

[dddem]

5. Maybe I'm missing something,

but if I were in charge of deciding the bad parent award, Kim would win in this instance. I have very little tolerance for divorced people who use their children as revenge or blackmail against their former partner. When two adults make the decision to end a relationship, for whatever reason, the prevailing motivation should be "how do we do the best for the children we have created through this relationship". Period. Shame on anyone who uses children as leverage. Shame.

[Kerrytravelers]

34. I don't know who would win. We've only heard a recording she made of him.

Who knows what she says or does.

[OmmmSweetOmmm]

4. So far for me, knock on wood, although only 20 and 16 my sons are great. I think this

thing with Alec Baldwin is so blown over and cannot believe that so many parents, when pushed to the edge (which it sounds like Baldwin is) are horrified that he said what he said. This doesn't seem like a one time instance where his daughter avoided his call and he appeared to have had it up to the proverbial here.

[NashVegas]

21. I'm Not a Parent - For Good Reason

Disclaimer: Bassinger's no prize, either.

Considering Baldwin's very well-known history with anger issues, the chances of this being an isolated incident are extraordinary.

I grew up in a household where 5 kids ripped each other apart on a regular basis; our single custodial parent was perfectly fine with whatever daggers we threw at each other, until someone might address a real underlying issue - and then she was off to the bathroom in tears. My dad? I can't imagine him saying anything as horrible to one of us as what Baldwin left on that phone. My mom, on the other hand ... to at least one of my other siblings, yeah, I can.


In my experience, homes that are filled with loving (as a verb) & joy are the rare anomaly, but once you've seen it with your own eyes, you start to understand that things don't have to be the way you thought they were, in families. My sadness (not victimhood!) is that I didn't see it much, much sooner.

A year and a half ago, I finally confronted my mom about what she allowed to go on under her roof - her initial reaction was similar to some of the posts in lynyrd_skynyrd's thread. *I* was the asshole. When I didn't back down, she went into her martyr act. One of my siblings who had her own issues with the woman but chose to let sleeping dogs lie was so upset that she did everything she could to make me feel guilty, but I refused. Now, that sister regularly calls me to express the upsets, frustrations, and hurts, that she can't express to our mom. I do what I can for her.

[OmmmSweetOmmm]

25. I'm glad that you were able to confront your Mom and your sister to get dialogue started.

I grew up in a moderately dysfunctional family. I was the youngest by 6 years in a family of 3 kids. Both parents, married in a love/hate relationship. They were not "there" for their children. They loved us and were affectionate but being products of the depression lived with the mindset to survive their own lives, although we did live quite comfortably. Home in the suburbs, 3 cars, and my Mom worked for a short stint to keep herself busy and not because the money mattered. We were three pretty good kids and very rarely got verbal reamings. Off color language was not part of our household vocabulary, and when I learned the word f*ck from my cousin at the age 11 and asked my mom what it meant, she blanched. The abuse that my parents laid on their children was the abuse of appearing not interested. Yet, when any of us had problems (my brother a few drug busts), my sister a life shattering divorce and my own, our parents stood by us financially, and with whatever tools they had to help us. Meanwhile, my brother and my sister, in their 60s still haven't forgiven my parents for what they considered indiffence..ie, never pushing us to do our best. I think they were using the unreal world of the tv show, Father Knows Best, as an example of family standards. I realized early on that my parents could only give what they were capable of giving and they weren't given those tools. They both came from families that were even more dysfunctional.

My attitude is, the past is the past, and it can not be changed, and all we have is now and a potential tomorrow I try to do as best as I can. So each day, I try to do better with my sons, and it's been quite awhile since I've had my own "Alec Baldwin" moment. I am not proud of those at all.

[terip64]

6. I am living through that right now. I am painfully honest with my son and if I'm not who will be?

That's my job.
What the issue with boys and homework? Damn. It makes me like a crazy person!

[OmmmSweetOmmm]

9. lol! With my youngest, homework has been the only thing I've "gone off" on! He has

been grounded and doesn't care. I've tried rewards. Taken away his electronics. He didn't care. I've even docked off time from when I'll let him apply for a learners permit (it doesn't bother him) and there are times when I've just gone nuts. Wanting to swallow each and every word as soon as they poured out of my mouth but couldn't stop. Thank goodness, although late in the game, he's getting better.

[etherealtruth]

23. "although late in the game, he's getting better"

(sorry OP, I know this is extraneous)

What is late in the game? My third child (an 11 year old boy) has come close to pushing me over the edge with regard to home work.

While I don't think Baldwin's comments to his child are acceptable in any way ... I can understand the humanness (human frailty) of losing it with a child and saying things that are very regrettable. (I strive to be a better parent/person everyday ... sadly, I fail sometimes).

[OmmmSweetOmmm]

27. Late in the game concerning his homework. It has adversely affected his school

grades and the "college acceptance race" is looming. He's a junior now. This is a kid that is like a sponge in class and his test grades reflect that. Unfortunately there have been classes that's he's been close to failing due to his lack of homework. That alone is frustrating to me because I am not the greatest proponent of homework. If your child is learning, homework or not, they are learning and that's the bottom line. Unfortunately teachers, schools and school districts don't seem to think that's important when it comes to grading.

[etherealtruth]

30. My oldest was like that ...

... I, like you, question the "homework" if the student's test grades and comprehension of the material are well demonstrated ... the real problem can come in college when they confront classes and material that require more work on their part when they haven't developed the study/homework skills, From my experience they learn quickly (and sometimes painfully) to do the homework then.

Unfortunately, my youngest can't seem to get it together with the homework ... and his grades reflect it :(

[OmmmSweetOmmm]

55. Although equally pretty bright, my older son "got it" and excelled in HS

taking honors and AP courses. He was very competitive and wanted to "beat out" his friends' grades, realizing that doing homework was a necessary evil.

[OmmmSweetOmmm]

59. ..........

[Breeze54]

44. My youngest son was doing the same.

"Forgetting" to get the homework done. I made a plan with his teachers. First off?

It became his responsibility. I stopped nagging him, hard as it was to do!

If he didn't do the homework, then 'The Plan' kicked in and he had to stay after school.

That gets old to a kid. They want to hang with friends and play video games, etc.

Oh yeah, I would hide the video game controllers also. Privileges were removed!

It was really hard not to say anything to him but the homework is his responsibility!!

It's been working and he started reporting to me that he had finished his homework.

He did stay after school a lot at first but, oh well!! ;) Not my problem! His choice.

Soon it will be over though!! Yea!!! He graduates in June!!! :woohoo: :woohoo:

[orpupilofnature57]

2. Other, I'm not a parent but could definitely see myself having that..

... conversation , or soliloquy .My father adored his children ,and if you were to act like an arrogant asshole or Rude for it's own sake ,he would of laid us out in lavender the same way.Can you imagine how inflated her opinion of herself is ,I'll bet she doesn't suffer from a Low Esteem problem.

[Divernan]

7. There's "pig" and then there's "pig"

I've seen recent photos of Baldwin with his daughter. She is an absolutely beautiful pre-teen girl -and very slender. I also listened to the tape of his phone message to her. It is absolutely clear that he used the term "pig" to refer to her repeated selfishness & lack of consideration. That is a far cry from someone/anyone calling an overweight child a pig, which would always be cruel and unacceptable.

Bassinger, who is reported to have a history of alcoholism, and her lawyers violated a court order of confidentiality to release this tape. The court was interested in protecting the child - her mother has no such concerns. It seems to me that this little girl has one parent who will fight to keep in contact with her, and one parent who is consumed with vengeance toward her ex-husband.

[monmouth]

8. Good post, definitely agree...n/t

[sadiesworld]

11. While I agree that calling a child with a weight problem a pig would

be far worse, many beautiful, slender girls don't see themselves as beautiful or slender.

[OmmmSweetOmmm]

13. As to Bassinger, IMHO, her releasing that recording was the real abuse and WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. I am

divorced and have never, ever used my children, nor has my ex-husband, as a means of revenge.

[Little Star]

33. Ding, ding, ding!!!!! To make that message public

was pure evil. The message was bad enough but the release of it to the world is truly evil. I said things to my kids that I had to apologize for. I can not imagine ever airing a private moment like that. With the right action Alec could have asked for Ireland's forgiveness. How will Kim ever undo what the whole world has witnessed by her actions??? Kim welcomed the world observe her child being humiliated, wasn't a Judge enough??

[orpupilofnature57]

19. I agree 100%!! by prefacing "pig" with "Rude"

[hootinholler]

10. Even Mother Theresa said things in anger to her kids

OHhhh, nevermind.

-Hoot

[electron_blue]

12. I've never said anything to my child (or anyone else for that matter) on par with what Baldwin did.

What he did was incredibly belittling and most of all, threatening. Have you read the entire text of what he said? A judge did, and banned Baldwin from having contact with his daughter til the trial. So, no, I haven't done anything like that. Of course, I'm no angel - I've had other parenting failures that I regret and had to apologize for. And of course, I don't think what he did is the worse that a parent could do, I do think it's appropriate to call it abusive and get a dialogue going with people. It's so interesting to see people are so polarized on this, but not surprising given how rampant abusive behavior is in this society. Even if people aren't abusive to their family, they are reluctant to identify others behaving abusively toward them. We need more awareness on this issue. I disagree with others who claim everyone wants to be a victim now. I see it as just wanting people to treat each other with more respect and find better ways to handle anger.

The poll is a little misleading. I don't think all things said in anger with a raised voice are abusive. I suppose this is open to interpretation, but I wouldn't say that a parent yelling to a child "Get your shoes on now!" is on par with "I'm going to straighten your ass out". All because an 11 yr old missed a phone call date. Who knows, maybe her battery had run down, or maybe she didn't want to talk to him.

[OmmmSweetOmmm]

15. None of my questions are judgemental and I don't think misleading at all. I made a distinction

about using strong, unkind words in anger and not.

[electron_blue]

50. Hmmm. Well, I have said things in anger to my child, but I haven't said things

that were anywhere near as strong as what Baldwin said. So I didn't see an option to pick in your poll. No biggie.

[OmmmSweetOmmm]

51. How about other? That was my catch-all!

:hi:

[electron_blue]

53. Yes, LOL, there always needs to be an other it seems.

[Speed8098]

60. A judge did.........

The only thing a judge knows before a hearing is what the accusing party allows him to know.

If you think this is child abuse,you obviously have no idea what child abuse really is.

I'm a parent of a well adjusted 17 year old girl. I don't use corporal punishment, but I have said some things to her that I immediately wished I hadn't. ALL PARENTS DO and if they say they haven't then they are lying.

In my opinion all of this psycho-babble that is used in reference to children today is way out of hand.

There are gym teachers out there that have their students participate in sports that have no winners. How are these kids supposed to learn how to deal with losing? Not everyone is a winner.

I just read an article recently that said it is now illegal for knothole(little league) baseball players in Cincinnati to use negative chants on the field. ARE THEY CRAZY???

What do they want? A generation of people that can't deal with rejection? A generation of people that quit because of a little competition?

While Alec Baldwin was a bit harsh with his words, I'm sure he and his daughter will work it out PRIVATELY, as they should.

[robcon]

14. What Baldwin said was so over the top...

I would consider, if I had the power, supervised visitation only.

The anger, the controlling tone, the egotism, the name-calling is so awful, he needs to be supervised if he's going to see his daughter, IMO.

[Missy M]

16. I wonder if he had used the word 'brat' in place of 'pig'.....

if everyone would be in an uproar?

[OmmmSweetOmmm]

48. I think if he used the word "brat", the media would have focused on his use of the

word "thoughtless" or the tone of his voice. This was a hit job.

I'm from NY (Baldwin hails from here too) where many people usually don't mince their words, and I'm surprised that Baldwin actually cursed less than he could have in his tirade. My ex-husband, who isn't as careful about what he says to our sons said he probably would have said "f*cking little pig". Not that this is right at all! I'm just saying........

[Sadie4629]

17. I voted 'other'

I have said things in anger to my sons (now in their 20's;) but I have never called names, I have never threatened, I have never been as menacing as that phone call was.

You CAN be angry with a kid, you can tell him/her that their actions are selfish, you can tell them you are disappointed with them, you can tell them you deserve respect as their parent--all without crossing the line that Baldwin crossed.

[Carolina]

40. totally agree

Kids will make you angry, sometimes very angry, and push your buttons but as the parent, you are the adult and should behave as such EVEN (and perhaps especially) during a divorce.

Sure my son, now grown, has made me angry and I have let him know it but NEVER by name calling and never over the phone. In fact, I try not to express anger on the phone PERIOD (except toward telemarketers). I want to see facial expressions and have the interaction where I can gauge the response -- both mine and the other person's, especially if that other person is a child.

My own mother taught me (back in letter writing days): Never put something in black and white that you'll regret. In this multi-media age, I have taught my son the same about email and voicemail.

And during his father's divorce from me which was very painful, I bent over backwards to protect the father-son relationship even when my inner child/id wanted my son to be my ally. I am not super woman or super good, but as the parent, one should always do what's best for the child.

[Carolina]

41. oops, duplicated

[Burma Jones]

18. Other - of course I've said things to my kids when angry.....

I have been angry with the kids, I have said things to them while angry. These things have never included insults or other forms of name calling. I can be very loud and intimidating and I have very forcefully expressed an opinion on certain behaviors, but I really have never let it go past addressing their behavior and have never said anything about their character or intellect in anger.

[FlaGranny]

20. I have to say I did not

ever call my kids "stupid" or a "pig" or anything else. If I got angry I might tell them "that was a stupid thing to do." In fact, I've never called anyone anything - at least not to their faces. My usual place for calling someone a nasty name is in the car while driving in reference to someone else's driving. I call Bush an asshole all the time, but probably wouldn't call him that to his face.

[woodsprite]

22. Yes, a few times no where NEAR what Baldwin did, and I've apologized.

The best punishment that I ever used for my daughter was one time she wasn't behaving in a store and we were there to get stuff she needed for school (kindergarten). I was almost to the checker and she started. I finished paying for the items and took her to home where she sat on the steps for a 30min timeout. She and I both needed it. She's 14 now and she still remembers it and never acted up like that again.

I had the tv on yesterday so I heard the Baldwin tape. I was thinking at the time that he's a Rude Pig. My other thought was that HE gives liberals a bad name. I group him and Carville together - hotheaded a$$holes. If that had been me or my daughter that had recieved that call, I'd be trying to get a restraining order against him. On the other hand maybe Basinger didn't release it - it could have been one of our NSA spys caught the call and decided it would be a good diversion for Bushco from current events ;) That's my official :tinfoilhat: theory!

[Clark2008]

24. My children are 7 years old and four weeks outside of being born

Therefore, I've never said anything on par to Baldwin's comments... YET.

Ask me when they get to be pre-teens and teenagers. :)

[OmmmSweetOmmm]

26. lol! And remember, if that time ever comes, and I hope that it doesn't, make sure

they don't get it on tape!

[Clark2008]

28. I DID lose my temper something fierce one time when my son

was 5 and he pooped in the back yard. Yes - you read that right - POOPED in the back yard.

One of our toilets was clogged, so we were down to just the one where the shower was also located. I was using the shower and, rather than come in there where I was, my son took it upon himself to take toilet paper outside, go behind the shed and poop.

Now, that wasn't the most major thing. See - he LEFT the toilet paper out there, so the dogs, smelling something nasty that attracted them, got all into the paper, got poo all over themselves and tracked the paper throughout the yard and in the house.

Needless to say, my Irish came out and I yelled for an hour. I yelled at him. I yelled at the dogs. I didn't cuss (that I remember and, if I did, it was probably, appropriately enough, the word "shit"). I finally lost my voice and sat fuming for another two hours.

But, my fury was over the mess and the thoughtlessness. I didn't berate anyone, not even the dogs. I didn't call them names or belittle them - I just told them their behavior was thoughtless (like the dogs cared or even understood - but everyone KNEW I was mad).

P.S. The back yard is fenced in and I was very friendly with all my neighbors. That my son was unaccompanied wasn't really an issue - especially since the dogs were with him. They protect him, fiercely.

[OmmmSweetOmmm]

32. The biggest incident I can recall was when I was 8 months pregnant with my second son.

I was on the phone with the property manager here (I was Pres of the condo assoc) and while I was on the phone, my son, then 3 took a red crayon and scribbled on the length of one the dining room walls. I was fuming! I must have said something to him (at that age, nothing vile), grabbed him, and ran up the stairs and almost but not quite threw him on his bed and ran out of the room, slamming his door. I then went into my bedroom and tried to calm down. My fear was that I would lash out at him physically.

[OmmmSweetOmmm]

56. ............

[Rosemary2205]

29. "everyone does it" don't make it right.

putting it on a recording is just plain stupid.

It isn't unforgivable unless this is normal discourse for a parent. Talking in anger now and again is par for the course. Anger directed at the kids more often than not is abusive.

[mondo joe]

36. But I think the "not right" is the point. Just about every parent has been "not right"

at least a few times. Most of us know we've been "not right" at times,, and hate to think about those worst moments. Most of the rest are in denial.

If we conclude that only bad or abusive parents ever do regrettable things, there will be few who qualify as good parents.

[OmmmSweetOmmm]

43. I don't believe it's right also, even though I've done it. I regret everytime it's happened,

which has not been very often at all. Maybe 4 times total in 20 years. That's why I didn't make this a poll judging if it was right or wrong. The fact is, that so far, over 80% of the respondents here, at a progressive site, have done at sometime or another what Baldwin did.

In my "world", thoughts and words are powerful "things", where verbal abuse is as hurtful as physical abuse. The old adage of sticks and stones is pure bullshit. Words will harm you. But for the media to hold up Baldwin to a standard that most people don't live by, is a false flag.

[mondo joe]

31. If we could have audio of everyone's worst parenting moments, people with STFU about

Baldwin.

[Kerrytravelers]

37. Isn't that the truth. I'm glad things I may have said at the height of frustration and anger aren't

on tape.

I can't defend what he said. I also can't claim anything against him. Hearing one very angry phone recording in a six-year long custody battle doesn't quite tell the whole story. And I personally think the releasing of this thing publicly makes the mother look bad. To hand this over to her lawyers and to the court is justified and the right thing to do. To hand it over to the public? That is revenge. I hope the judge keeps this in mind, too. If she has done this, I wonder what else she has done? Both are sinners here, and neither one are saints, either.

[mondo joe]

38. Precisely! I am content that I'm a good parent, and better than many. But I can think of a few

things I've done in the heat of the moment that make me absolutely cringe.

And in the Baldwin case, despite some truly regrettable words and tone, what I did here was that he's committed and sticking with it. That's more than a lot of parents can say.

[GreenEyedLefty]

35. Yes, I have

But when I'm wrong, I readily apologize. I'm not an especially gentle, touchy feely parent. I love my children fiercely. They drive me up the wall sometimes. And I'm a human being. I don't know what else to say.

[Joe Fields]

39. In a word, no.

[sutz12]

42. Other, which means "Yes, but........"

I said things in anger, yes.

But I don't recall ever saying anything so direct and insulting to her. Perhaps my memory is selective. Hell, most of us suffer from selective memory. But I don't remember anything quite that bad.

Kim Bassinger is proof of the old maxim:

No matter how beautiful she is, there is somebody, somewhere that is tired of putting up with her shit. :)

[Breeze54]

45. No, I'm a perfect parent.

:sarcasm:

J/K

Yes, of course I've yelled at my kids! I've lost my temper too! I'm human.

I've apologized to them and visa versa. We all survived. ;)

[LWolf]

46. Other:

I have said things in anger. I have never, ever, spoken to my sons like Alec Baldwin spoke to his daughter. I have used "strong" language, but not the language of hate.

Words can be just as powerful instruments of abuse as fists and other weapons. There is a difference between expressing anger and abuse.

ANGER IS NOT EVER AN EXCUSE FOR ABUSE.

I know some children I'd like to introduce to anyone who thinks verbal abuse is not as big a deal as physical abuse, or that it is easily "gotten over."

[RestoreGore]

47. Is Alec Baldwin Running For Office?

Is that why so many seem determined to CHA? I have NEVER said anything even remotely like what he said on that voicemail to my child and I never would. I have been angry at him for things he may not have done, but I take him aside and DISCUSS things with him firmly laying out the reasons why it needed to be done and the repercussions of not doing it. Resorting to namecalling solves nothing. It only brings on resentment and rebellion. I used to get the strap on my butt when I was a child for things that today would be considered insignificant, and vowed I would NEVER do that to my child and I have never struck him physically or verbally. And I to this day with him being a teen have gotten nothing but compliments on his behavior in school and everywhere else, and damn it, I'm pproud of that because it is hard work to raise a child in the world we have made for them. I then think what Alec Baldwin said was wrong and no amount of PR is going to change that in my eyes. Matter of fact, I think he and his (ex) wife are both wrong for tearing this child apart and using her the way they are doing.

[Quixote1818]

49. I think this poll shows why this story only lasted a day

Most people heard the phone call and thought back to things they have said that were on par. It doesn't make what he did right but clearly most people have lost it at one time or another with their children.

[philosophie_en_rose]

52. There should be another category.

"Yes, I've said things in anger to my children, but can express my emotions without sinking to Alec Baldwin's level."

The poll is misleading in the sense that it's either "No. I'm perfect" or "Yes, I'm normal." or "Yes, I was right."

You're missing a broad spectrum of people that can deal with their anger like adults.

[Quixote1818]

54. We don't know if this is regular behavior or if this was an isolated incident though

Based on how little we know about Baldwin and how he usually deals with his daughter I think this poll is appropriate. The OP is just asking if people have had isolated instances where they went over the line. To post a poll question like you suggested would be assuming much more than we know. Maybe he really is an ass 90% of the time but maybe the fact that his daughter stood him up twice caused him to lose his cool and it was a rare instance? It's clear the daughter was disrespectful by standing him up twice and so some anger was certainly appropriate. Since all we have is one isolated phone call, to presume he is always this way is very presumptuous.

[Raine]

58. I notice that too nt

[mondo joe]

57. Nice to see. I was beginning to think DU was populated by a bunch of repressed

people with real denial problems.

Alec Baldwin didn't say anything you wouldn't have heard on any given week in my neighborhood growing up.

It's not my parenting style, but I've seen some fiercely dedicated and loving parents be that in-your-face-expressive and pissed off.

[OmmmSweetOmmm]

62. One of the reasons I posted the OP was just to see where I stand in relationship to

the Baldwin incident, and to see if I was an aberration or closer to the norm in relation to my fellow DU parents. I did not find his tirade shocking, and although harsh, I have said worse, no more than twice in 20 years, but have done it none the less.

So far I seem to be in the DU parent mainstream, and perhaps many of the people who are shocked and disturbed by the Baldwin tape, have never had kids.

I don't believe what Baldwin did was right, but what he did IMHO was very human.

[tomg]

61. Any parent who has teenagers ( or close)

and has not lost it once is either a saint, indifferent or catatonic. We have four sons (three in their twenties, one thirteen). After the first three, we swore we would be better parents. We would never lose our tempers, put grades in perspective, talk things out with him, respect his autonomy blah blah blah. We now have a very well-paved highway to hell.

Actually, when we make a mistake like that, we apologize, we talk it out, and we make a real effort not to let it happen again. Which is pretty much what we did with the other three. If I have the relationship with my 13 year old that I have with my older guys, I am going to be one very happy person.
I just don't want to deal with the next 8 years.