Republicans intervene to save Alberto Gonzales

[jgraz]

April 21st, 2007, 4:20 pm

Gonzales feeding tube removed, GOP urges quick intervention

Following his disastrous appearance before the Senate Judiciary Committee, Alberto Gonzales' wife, Rebecca Turner Gonzales, has decided to remove the feeding tube that has been keeping the Attorney General alive for the past ten years.

"We have always held out hope that Alberto will someday achieve normal brain function," said Mrs. Gonzales in a written statement. "But after Thursday, it has become clear that there can be no recovery from his current vegetative state."

Congressional Republicans responded quickly to this news, introducing "Alberto's Law", which would prohibit the removal of any life support device even in cases of gross incompetence and extreme toadying.

Speaking from his home in Tennessee, physician and former GOP Senator Bill Frist offered his own diagnosis. "I have reviewed the video footage of Thursday's hearing," said Frist, "and in my medical opinion it is clear that Alberto does exhibit some limited mental activity. With the right treatment, it's possible that, someday, he may even be able to understand and respond to questions."


Republicans contend that, while clearly dumb as a
post, Alberto Gonzales has shown the ability to smile
and respond to visual stimuli.

While Democrats maintained that this is a private matter for the Gonzales family, Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman(I) immediately declared his support for the legislation and called on news outlets to dramatically increase their coverage of his statements on the issue.

For its part, the White House continues its unqualified support for Gonzales. "The president has no plans to ask for his resignation, " said White House Deputy Press Secretary Dana Perino. "We remain confident that death will in no way reduce Judge Gonzales' effectiveness as Attorney General."

[Demeter]

1. Precious! k&r

[jazzjunkysue]

2. That'll be $89.95 for a new keyboard, please. Mine's covered in diet coke, now.

You need to write for the Onion. Seriously. :kick: and rec

[jazzjunkysue]

3. Oh, COME ON! people! 2 more little votes! Save Alberto! n/t,

[merh]

4. LOL

I gave it the 4th rec. :hi:

[jazzjunkysue]

5. Yessss! WE HAVE 5!!! SAVE ALBERTO!!!! HURRY!!!

[jazzjunkysue]

6. jgraz: I seeded this in 5 other threads in general.

This needs to make the top of the greatest page!

[jgraz]

7. Thanks...your check's in the mail

:toast:

[jazzjunkysue]

9. Also here:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x723655

[jazzjunkysue]

18. 19! Wooo Hoo! Let's get it to 21! Save Alberto!

[CrazyOrangeCat]

8. BWAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!!

It's a Mega DUzy :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Swamp Rat]

10. After all...

:D

:kick:

[jgraz]

12. Best. Swamp Rat. Ever.

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[jazzjunkysue]

41. Yess! Success! jgraz, You are on the top of the Greatest! WooHooo!!

My work here is done.

The best way to hurt someone who is dangerous is to make them the brunt of humor. It takes their power away.

I hope your efforts will continue with our keystone Cops administration.

[jgraz]

42. SEX!

:rofl:

I gotta bring you along to my next performance review. :toast:

[ninkasi]

44. You and Swamp Rat

would make a great team!

[jgraz]

45. Except most of his pictures creep me out

Which, knowing Swamp Rat, will be taken as the high praise it's intended to be.

[ninkasi]

46. It's the people in his pictures

who creep me out. He just reveals their inner, for lack of a better word, souls. I really did enjoy your satire, you could make a living writing like that.

[jgraz]

47. heh...thanks

Though I'm guessing I'd have to come up with more than one a month if I really wanted to pay the mortgage with it. ;)

[CrazyOrangeCat]

13. Oh. My.

:rofl:

[orleans]

33. i bet alberto never realized he could bring one man such pleasure. n/t

[annabanana]

11. Damn that's good. . caught me by surprise with that headline!

A real DUzy!

[TahitiNut]

14. His bilateral gluteal osculation reflex is still intact as indicated by the rosy-pink buttocks

... Chimpolini McCodpiece put on display in Western Michigan yesterday. It's the ol' GOPucker GOPower!

[CrazyOrangeCat]

15. LOLOLOL!!!

[BrklynLiberal]

16. One of the best posts ever about Gonzales. The rest of the thread is damn good too!!!

:thumbsup: :headbang: :yourock: :applause: :rofl:

[jazzjunkysue]

17. Yeah! tell everyone to help save Alberto!

:kick:

[bleever]

19. Tom DeLay weighs in:

"A death row inmate has more of a process to go through than Alberto Gonzales does," DeLay said earlier on ABC News' 'Good Morning America' on Saturday. "Except in Texas, of course."

Like other Republican lawmakers championing Alberto's Law, DeLay often suggests he is alert and potentially treatable.

"He talks and he laughs and he expresses likes and discomforts," he said Sunday evening. "It won't take a miracle to help Alberto. It will only take the medical care and therapy that most ventriloquists' dummies require."

DeLay cited a sign held up at the recent hearing showing a thought balloon. "You could clearly see his testimony following the balloon."

[Gregorian]

20. I believe in the right-to-die!

I'm also ashamed that it took me an hour to formulate that.

[BrklynLiberal]

21. It was worth the wait. :D

[Canuckistanian]

22. Yes, but can he follow a balloon with his eyes?

That's the real test of an active brain.

Has anyone done this crucial test?

[LaStrega]

23. SEX!

The thread which led me here ... bless your heart!

"...death will in no way reduce Judge Gonzales' effectiveness as Attorney General."

HAHAHAHAHAHA

*breathe*

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[jazzjunkysue]

31. You're welcome!

[tavalon]

24. I think you need to talk to the folks at the Onion

This is really good.

[frogcycle]

25. LOVE the picture caption

I saw it AFTER I finished drying my eyes from the laughing fit from the text. Set me right off again.

[The Wizard]

26. The question is

Will Bush hire him as a defense attorney for the war crimes trials at The Hague? I know I wouldn't want Gonzo standing between me and the big iron gates at the license plate factory.

[grannylib]

27. *LMAO* Hee hee HEE!!! This is great. Just great.

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[flyarm]

28. May i offer Morton Plant hospital..it is across the water from me..and where they

were able to do miraculous things to bring Terri Shievo back to full life .according to bill frist!!

I know ..poor Al will get the best care there, and there will be constant prayers from all the reich wing god groups..who will never let him slip into a real coma..they would never let a real coma be diagnosed, so he could keep his job indefinitely!

:sarcasm: fly

[AndrewJacksonFaction]

35. Clearwater Beach? Redington here!

[flyarm]

39. yep! heyyyyyyyyyy

[PinkyisBlue]

29. The White House continues its unqualified support for Gonzales.

During a press conference, Dana Perino stated, "Alberto doesn't have to be competent to garner the president's support, he only has to attend the staff meetings. We remain confident that Alberto will be able to be physically present at all remaining meetings during the president's term of office. It's even possible that he may verbally respond to some of the issues raised during a meeting."

Dana Perino later expanded on her earlier statements by adding, "he has proven himself to be just as effective at his job as the rest of the president's appointees, including Condi, Rummy, and former FEMA director Michael Brown."

[Oilwellian]

30. Brilliant!

When I first started to read it, I scrolled down to find the Onion link and there wasn't one....we have a genius among us. :D

[Tigress DEM]

32. The only thing I like about Gonzales...

He is obviously extremely uncomfortable lying.

Don't see that much in a Republican these days.

[mile18blister]

43. Disagree. He has no problem lying...

until he's forced to testify under oath. That perjury thingy makes him real queasy. :evilgrin:

Put them all under oath, watch them all squirm and sweat.

[pscot]

34. Too funny

Kick

[AndrewJacksonFaction]

36. #46

[southerncrone]

37. Priceless!!!! Especially the picture caption!

[ebayfool]

38. 48 & climbing ...

DUzy awesome!

[intaglio]

40. STOP PRESS!!!! Repugs, Alberto and the B*shes are in the Bible

Then God said, "Let the earth bring forth living creatures after their kind: cattle and creeping things and beasts ...

[NanceGreggs]

48. THIS IS BRILLIANT!!!

:applause: :woohoo: :applause: :woohoo: :applause:

[Duppers]

49. I'm gasping for breath

Soooooooo dang funny! Brilliant! This is going out with credit to you!



My sentiments exactly. I was just telling my hubby that I'd have to have a drink to continue to listen to that hearing interviewing that man.

[Cameron27]

50. It was Damn YOU, JGRAZ from NanceGreggs

that sent me here but it's JGRAZ who has me LMAO!

[Missy Vixen]

51. Okay, I just want to know

Does he follow a helium balloon with his eyes?

Did he mouth to the nurse, "I want to live"?

Julie
#98

[DinahMoeHum]

52. Ever consider sending this piece to The Onion??

Thanks for the laughs!

:rofl:

[smoogatz]

53. Brilliant.

Nice work, jgraz.

[malaise]

54. Fabulous

K & R

[pepperbear]

55. omg can't stop laughing....someone tell the ONION they've found a new writer. n/t