Gays and straights! Could this difficult and heart-rending situation have been prevented?

[Radio_Lady]

Read this article. Does it make you angry? Or sad? I don't even know how to treat this subject. Women: Is it worse to think your husband left you for another man? Men: how about your wife leaving for another woman? I have no experience in this arena, but I'm seriously thinking about inviting this author on my radio show.

My heart goes out to all involved, especially their daughter. I do know what a controlling almost-ex-husband can be like, and I really think this is just so very, very difficult.

Men or women, gay or straight, it's just about treating your partner like A PERSON, not a rag doll to throw out when you are done with him/her!

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McGreevey's Wife Tells All in New Book
By Associated Press
4/22/07

TRENTON, N.J. - The wife of former Gov. James E. McGreevey describes him in her upcoming memoir as self-absorbed and controlling and says that, among other demands, he insisted she move out of the governor's mansion before his official resignation.

The descriptions appear in Dina Matos McGreevey's book "Silent Partner: A Memoir of My Marriage," scheduled to hit bookstores May 1. A copy of the book was obtained by the New York Daily News.

Matos McGreevey wrote that her husband offered only an indifferent apology days after he appeared on national television in August 2004 and announced he would resign, saying: "I am a gay American."

Before that appearance, she wrote that McGreevey told her to compose herself, saying, "You have to be Jackie Kennedy today," and repeatedly told her what to say and how to act in the aftermath of his admission.

More at link:

http://www.comcast.net/entertainment/index.jsp?cat=ENTERTAINMENT&fn=/2007/04/22/643786.html

[msongs]

1. it seems she is better off without him

since he lied to her about who he really is, and by lying I mean by omission. as in pretending to her he is something he is not. the gay woods are full of those kinds of bears in hiding, sad to say. and there are many reasons for this.

Msongs
www.msongs.com/political-shirts.htm

[barb162]

2. Could it have been prevented? Easily I think

if he had decided to not use this woman.

[Colobo]

3. McGreevey lied to himself, to his wife and to his family

It was an unnecessary situation had he been honest with himself in the first place.

[Lex]

4. Sometimes I think it is very hard 'to be honest with yourself' when

in these situations you are having a hard time adjusting to it all yourself. So you hide. Then the hiding gets you into a worse place, but there you are. Then you worry about losing everything, but it's too late.

For some people, it's not the matter of switching a light on or off.

[pnwmom]

12. The thing is, he had already been through this with his first wife,

with whom he also had a daughter. Can you imagine what it must have been like for the 12 year old to have her father suddenly come out publicly? Thankfully, she and her mother live in Canada.

I could excuse that marriage as a mistake, but not the second one. I think he knew what he was doing, and took advantage of her for the sake of his political career.

[ruiner4u]

17. Wow... Did i step into freerepublic by mistake?

........Can you imagine what it must have been like for the 12 year old to have her father suddenly come out publicly? Thankfully, she and her mother live in Canada.......
........I could excuse that marriage as a mistake, but not the second one. I think he knew what he was doing, and took advantage of her for the sake of his political career........


Do you know this guy? Do you know his story other than the news tidbits on extra? Are you friends with his first or second wife? Did you read his book, his first wife's book, his second wifes book and then compare and contrast them?

What Im saying is you are making a big judgment call on something that you and I dont know all the details on...

I do have a problem with this.. "Can you imagine what it must have been like for the 12 year old to have her father suddenly come out publicly? Thankfully, she and her mother live in Canada."

So what would have been a good age for his daughter for him to come out?
16? Well, shes still young and impressionable...And dont wanna ruin her Canadian Sweet 16
18? Shes starting college, dont want her a'gettin curious <shout out to the freepers>
24? She could be engaged, we dont wanna ruiner her 'happy time'
29? She is pregnant, starting her own family, why burden her...

In the end, im sure no age would be appropriate for you. A rose is a rose...A bigot is a bigot...And a homophobe is a homophobe..

Dont major judgment calls just suck? "Thankfully, she and her mother live in Canada"

[pnwmom]

24. You are the one making judgments about something

you seem to know little about. I'm not a homophobe, I'm the child of a gay man. And what you don't understand is that the children in these families can suffer from the same homophobia that the gay parent is subject to. And that the parents can help them with this, by attending to their children's feelings, or they can make it worse.

Through COLAGE, I know dozens of other children of gay parents who came out without preparing their children for the shock. Divorce is always a shock, and when the parent comes out at the same time, it's a bigger shock, particularly for an adolescent. Middle schoolers already face enough daily rejection, ridicule, and bullying. To have a parent suddenly come out in public without any counseling or preparation is traumatic. It is compounded when the gay parent is a Catholic, like McGreevey, or from another religious background that denies homosexuality. Suddenly, everything the child has been taught to believe must be wrong -- or else the gay parent is morally wrong. Think about how confusing this is for a kid. And to have the whole family rupture publicly makes it that much worse.

Often the parent has been trying to accept his sexuality for years, if not decades -- in secret -- without telling the spouse or the children. Then something occurs -- as it did for the Governor -- and he suddenly comes out, shedding his old life like a second skin. He's ready for whatever comes, because he's been preparing for this on some level since his own adolescence.

But the spouse and children are reeling -- unlike the outed parent, they haven't been given time to deal with their own feelings, but the gay parent's coming out has huge effects on their lives, too.

Since this girl is living in Canada, she hasn't had to deal with the daily gossip and/or teasing that would be occuring if she were living in the same small town as her father. Her friends may not even have known about the situation. Or, maybe her mother had already disclosed the situation to her, so she wasn't surprised.

I read his book, but not hers (it's not out yet). I have an acquaintance who knows the 2nd ex-wife well, and says she was totally in the dark until just before he came out. I'm not surprised. There are many people who are able to keep this a secret for years.

[ruiner4u]

27. then you have baggage...

and it has shown though all the threads of yours I have read.. Dont project your unhappiness on something that has nothing to do with you.. Which you have done, per all your threads...

it boils down to this.. gay men are just like other man.. sometimes they make mistakes... sometimes they are scared...blah blah...

im sorry you had a fucked up life, but that dosent give you the right to spread your vile..




i hope you find peace..

[pnwmom]

28. Why is it so threatening to you to hear that

children of gays are also affected by homophobia? It sounds to me that it is very important to you to stay in denial.

Show me the person who has no baggage, and I'll show you someone who's never traveled.

[ruiner4u]

29. Ignored... But I still say you have baggage...

and as for a judgment call, you are using what happened to you to make those large and grand statements how gay men marry women for a lie etc.. THAT is a judgment call, a stereotype, an outright asinine statement, and the reason why i ignored ya...


Again, i really hope you find peace, cause you seem like you need it...



ibtl cause it wouldn't be locked for blatant homophobia.. oh no.. it takes a call out...gotta love DU

[pnwmom]

30. You have a strange way of ignoring someone

and a talent for putting words into other people's mouths.

[libnnc]

5. Well, first of all

It would be great if society didn't demand that we suppress our innate sexuality from the get-go. If we were all able to express ourselves honestly from childhood, through puberty and into adult hood without being stigmatized and pushed into compulsory heterosexuality THAT would be a VAST improvement. Had I been ENCOURAGED to date girls in high school instead of PRESSURED into dating boys, I'd have been a much happier camper.

[Bobbieo]

6. Gay or straight - the man is a control freak!

[liberalhistorian]

9. Exactly! THAT is how it could have been prevented, by people

being allowed to express their true sexuality without stigma, discrimination, hate, etc. However, as Bobbieo points out below, it doesn't matter what his sexuality is, he was still a narcissistic control freak who treated her like dirt. There's no excuse for that. There's no excuse for being a control freak, especially in relationships.

[pnwmom]

13. You're right, society is what creates these situations. And when I discuss

gay marriage with conservatives, here's what I ask them: would you like your son or daughter to (unknowingly) marry a gay person? Because that's what happens, when you make them hide. They want families, they want someone to love, so they try to be happy with a straight partner. But eventually, they'll both be unhappy.

[ruiner4u]

18. oh my god...

you are insane...

[pnwmom]

26. No, your reading comprehension is low, that's all.

There's nothing insane about what I said. When a straight person unknowingly marries a gay person, changes are high they're both going to be unhappy.

[Nicole]

7. It would make no difference to me.

You asked

"Women: Is it worse to think your husband left you for another man?"

That would not matter to me, the hurt would be the same. It's not about who my husband left me for, it's about him leaving me for someone else. Period.

[liberalhistorian]

8. Good point, and true enough. However, personally, I think

it would be easier for me to think of him with another man instead of another woman. The thought of him with another woman would be far more painful and difficult. I realize that probably doesn't make much sense, and that many women would feel differently. I'm just saying how I would feel.

[Nicole]

11. It makes perfect sense.

We all feel things differently.

[Colobo]

10. In my case, it wouldn't be that simple... but I definitely admire your stance.

For me it's a bit more complicated that "it doesn't matter"... there are many factors like: Do I know that my partner is bisexual in the first place? Knowing that in the first place makes things much better...

However, I was raised as a Latin American macho, and even though I have rejected pretty much of all of that for many reasons, it would still hurt a bit more if my significant other (I'm single right now, by the way), left me for a woman... although I'm sure I would be able to deal with it...

I don't know..

[Nicole]

16. I guess I'm just simple minded.

My husband did leave me for another woman. My friends who went through the same thing all said they asked the "standard" questions. Is she prettier than me? Is she younger than me? Is she a better housekeeper than me? Is she a better lover than me? I had no desire to know any of that. It wasn't about her. It was about my husband & the choice he made. His decision to leave me for another is what hurt, not who he was replacing me with.

It all boils down to one thing for me, he left. Nothing else about that mattered.

[liberalhistorian]

51. I'm truly sorry you had to go through that. I've never been

married, but I've fallen really, truly in love for the first time in my early forties and am looking forward to marriage once we get some things financially, emotionally and logistically settled. I can't imagine the pain I'd feel if something like that happened with us, and I truly don't know how you and others who've had to deal with it have managed. And it wouldn't just be the leaving, even just the thought of him with someone else is almost too much to bear.

I still say that, as hard as it would be if he left, it'd still be easier to think of him with another man than with another woman, I don't think I could handle that. Again, that's just me, I know that others would probably feel differently.

[pnwmom]

14. Here is why it is often worse for these women (or men):

When a woman's husband leaves her for another woman, she will feel hurt, angry, etc., that the love they had for each other is now over.

When a woman's husband comes out and leaves her for another man, she is hurt, angry -- and struggling with the feeling that their entire marriage has been based on a lie, and that he NEVER really loved her, not the way a man loves a woman, not the way she loved him. And that's hard to take.

It also makes her distrust her own judgment. If she had been so wrong about him, how could she trust any other man who seemed to love her?

[Nicole]

19. Well that's not the way it works for all women.

As I posted above, my husband did leave me for another woman.

You said:
"she is hurt, angry -- and struggling with the feeling that their entire marriage has been based on a lie, and that he NEVER really loved her, not the way a man loves a woman, not the way she loved him."

The same thing applied to me, with the exception of "not the way a man loves a woman".
I felt that my entire marriage was based on a lie because he had pledged to remain with me until death do us part. He didn't so that was a lie. I felt that he NEVER really loved me or he couldn't have hurt me like he did. I also felt he didn't love me the way I loved him. I loved him so much I would never have dreamed of leaving him.

[ruiner4u]

20. yeah as unfortunate as it is...

leaving ones spouse is not something that is gay specific..

[pnwmom]

21. You're saying that some women married to straight men have had those

feelings, too, and I'm sure that's true.

But the part that you dismiss -- "the way a man loves a woman" -- is the critical difference.

Just because a straight man later breaks his marriage vows doesn't mean that he wasn't sincere at the time of the marriage. But a knowingly gay man who marries anyway -- like McGreevey -- is consciously basing the whole marriage on a fraud.

[ruiner4u]

22. So all straight men are saints and marry for love?

<edit for lol>

LOL!!!!!!

[pnwmom]

25. No, I didn't. n/t

[Nicole]

23. I didn't dismiss anything.

I just said it didn't apply to me. I have no idea how you got I dismissed it out of that? :shrug:

A straight man may have been sincere about his vows at the time of his marriage, a wife may feel that he wasn't during the break up. She's not thinking about what he did, she's thinking about what he's doing now.

That was my experience.

[pnwmom]

15. I think you should invite her. I heard, from someone who has worked with

her, that she's a wonderful person. You'd probably have a very interesting interview -- I know I'd like to hear her. (My parents had a similar marriage for more than 25 years.)

[Behind the Aegis]

31. My three dollars.

You ask some interesting questions. The first being your thread title: "Gays and straights! Could this difficult and heart-rending situation have been prevented?" Could it have been prevented? Sure, in an alternate universe where gays and lesbians are treated as equals and with respect; where children are not mocked, ridiculed, or worse for showing same-sex attraction; where one's sexual orientation is as relevant to his/her character as the color of one's hair. However, we don't inhabit that fantasy universe. It could have been prevented had McGreevey taken the route that many GLBT youth take; suicide. It could have been prevented had McGreevey been raised in the fantasy universe I previously described. Things are changing for our community and in some cases, for the better, but the reality is equality is not something the GLBT community often sees.

"Women: Is it worse to think your husband left you for another man? Men: how about your wife leaving for another woman?" Again, another interesting question. It seems, from things I have read and seen, the idea of a partner leaving for someone of the same-sex is a huge stigma and seen as a greater betrayal of the person left. This is a sign of the homophobia that still permeates our society, IMO. Should it really matter if the person who left you, left you for someone who has a "poonanny" or a "prick?" Yes, there may be more of a "surprise" to find out your other-sex partner left you for someone of the same sex, but the fact still remains: you got left behind and betrayed!

Radio_Lady, please do not take my above comments as a personal attack on you or your questions. They are not meant to be as such. Consider it an expression of extreme frustration over situations like this. The second most powerful American (well, "most powerful," IMHO), Dick Cheney has a lesbian child. She doesn't appear in "family pictures" at political events. Why is that? Why does she allow it? Even an "open and out" lesbian is marginalized by many people, so why do people expect gays and lesbians to "just come out?" Look at some comments here, and in other gay threads, where people express concern about the children finding out one of his/her parents is gay. Why the concern?

As for the "controlling" issue, I have found many closeted GLBT people tend to be very controlling of "other-sex" partners because it allows them to control "other things" because they are unable to "control" their own sexual attractions. Then again, some people are just controlling by nature. There are many things in this situation which are just sad.

Also, FWIW, I agree people should treat their partners with respect and dignity. It comes to the basic law of "do unto others as you would have done unto you."

[pnwmom]

32. When you ask "why the concern" about the children, are you asking that

rhetorically, or are you really asking?

If you're asking rhetorically, then it seems to me that you're pointing out that children in gay families also can suffer from society's homophobia, which is true. Bullies tease children of gays just as they tease gay adolescents themselves. And older relatives may say hurtful things to children about their parents. Children of gays and lesbians may also have to unlearn beliefs their own parents might have taught them until the day they came out -- such as religious beliefs that there is something wrong with being gay. (Imagine what Ted Haggard's children must be going through.)

If you are really asking, then that's the answer -- the issue of how children find out is a concern because children in gay families need to learn how to deal with homophobia, just as their gay parents do. If the parent has any choice in the timing, it's best if the child can be prepared for the coming out ahead of time, with counseling if needed. The child needs support through the process just as the parents do.

[Behind the Aegis]

38. "Won't someone please think of the children?!?!?"

(Sorry, I couldn't resist a "Helen Lovejoy" moment! :))

In all seriousness, the reason I posed the question is because I have seen people talk about the "needs of the children" as a trump card used to bash the gay parent. "How could you do this to your child?!" As a former counselor, who specialized in GLBT issues, I am aware that all involved will go through a "coming out" process, including the children of gay parents. I am not making light of that situation at all! However, it seems many here (and this is going back to when this story first emerged) speculated that the children didn't know and "found out" by turning on the TV. Whereas that is possible, I find it highly unlikely. My speculation is that calls were made to Canada well in advance of the "I am a gay American" speech.

The real problem here, as I see it, is not that he came out, but that it was treated as a "bad thing." I haven't read anywhere (maybe someone here has and could help out) when he realized he was gay and started acting on those feelings. Lying is rarely a good thing because it has the potential to hurt so many, but in our society, Gays have learned that lying sometimes helps you keep a job, keep friends and family, and, in some cases, stay alive!

[pnwmom]

40. If he's a good parent, then he did just what you suggest -- called

Canada to warn them -- and I hope that's what happened.

But you also realize that that's just the beginning of the journey for his daughter, unless he had already come out to her. I was jumped on upthread for saying that it would have been more difficult for her if she was still in a small town in NJ, but I hold to that. After his announcement, and then with the publication of his book, there was wall-to-wall media coverage. How would it feel to have to turn on the TV -- or have your friends turn on the TV -- and hear that your dad had been having anonymous sex at freeway rest stops and in booths in adult bookstores? (At an age when no child wants to hear anything about his or her parent's sex life, no matter how mundane?)

According to his book, he first began exploring his sexuality, through books, when he was 16. From there he moved on. He was in his forties, and had an active gay sex life for more than two decades, when he married for the second time.

Now he's seeking custody of the 5 year old, and spousal support.

http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory?id=2948803

[Behind the Aegis]

41. I think I understand where you are going with this.

I can understand your concerns for the welfare of the child. However, you stepped into a very dangerous area. From your other posts, I am assuming you did this unintentionally, but you have equated coming out with illegal sex acts. Personally, I find that offensive.

"How would it feel to have to turn on the TV -- or have your friends turn on the TV -- and hear that your dad had been having anonymous sex at freeway rest stops and in booths in adult bookstores?"

I guess that would be just as shocking as if one were watching Dateline's "To Catch a Predator" and seeing dear old dad trying to get "some" from a 14yo girl. However, there is a WORLD of difference from that (those things are illegal) and someone coming out as gay. He had an affair. Period. Should it really matter what sex the person was? Also, your examples, were these things he was accused of doing? Were these allegations made on TV? I am seriously asking because I never heard anything like that mentioned. Of course, I didn't watch everything about the situation.

[pnwmom]

42. No, you don't understand. These are examples straight from his book.

He didn't "have a affair. Period." He had had years of anonymous liaisons and he struggled with that. He's been all over NJ TV and radio interviews, talking about these experiences, and he's acknowledged that he hoped his marriage to Dina would help him control himself.

No one's accusing him of anything -- he's the one that decided to say a lot more than "I am a gay American."

This is from an article in the local paper in Princeton, where the governor and his family lived:

http://www.towntopics.com/sep2706/book.html

"The passages about his homosexuality generally ring true, but when his political instincts are in play, he resorts to sterile euphemisms, the politician's version of a cover-up. For example, when he was running for a seat in the assembly and was beginning to worry that maybe a videotape "would surface from some dingy adult bookstore" like the ones he'd already confessed to us of "having sex in," he writes: "I knew there were cameras; you could see them posted over the cash register and at the doors — though not in the back by the booths, where the untoward things happened." There's probably no need to emphasize "untoward" as I just did since so sexless a word in so sleazy an environment is about as subtle as a quote from late-period Henry James. Since he'd already been relatively explicit about "having sex in the small booths," it's hard to figure why he would feel he had to verbally airbrush the reality a mere thirty pages later in the narrative. The obvious explanation is that at this later point in the story, he was running for office. Time to wax political, time to twist or mask the truth."

SNIP

"And whenever McGreevey approaches the issue of how he misled and used her, his writing becomes revealingly lame: "I hoped my story would play out differently: that living with Dina would help me enforce the boundaries I'd been trying to maintain for years. If I stayed single, with no structural safeguard, there was no telling what sort of volatile situation I might get into. Instead, with Dina, I would have a partner. I should have known that would be unfair to her, and it was blind of me."

SNIP

"The moments of maximum deceit in The Confession usually also inspire the flattest, most stereotyped prose. On the other hand, when he's describing his cruising days, he illuminates, perhaps inadvertently, the whole sexual/political dynamic at the heart of his book and his career: "As I got older, my sexual expressions became even more baroque, I began lurking around Parkway rest stops, exchanging false names and intimacies with strangers. I met every conceivable type this way: bikers, executives, blue-collar workers, old and young, every shade of race."

[Behind the Aegis]

43. Thanks for the clarification.

As I am not in NJ, I didn't hear those broadcasts. Also, as I said, I haven't seen much about this issue with the exception of the initial media circus. However, it doesn't change the fact that his coming out wasn't the problem, yet, some think that is what the issue is. His actions, in my mind, are no different than had he being all the same things with multitudes of women; the only difference, the stigma wouldn't be the same and I doubt very much we'd even be having this conversation. I don't know that I have ever seen people discuss "the children" when a 'celebrity' is outed for having an "affair(s)." perhaps it has happened here, I don't know because I rarely click on those threads because I really don't care who is doinking who, unless it is me or my partner!

I do apologize for mis-characterizing you. I also appreciate your response with facts and clarification, which allowed me a nice healthy dish of crow. :)

[pnwmom]

44. Thank you for reconsidering. We clearly agree on the most important

point -- that it is society's unwillingness to accept gay relationships that has put so many unhappy families in this situation. And I agree that his coming out wasn't the problem -- and in fact, I only wish it had happened decades earlier.

But I think it was much harder on the wife to have it happen so publicly, and with so little preparation. She really didn't know (which I can believe, since my mother didn't either, for years.) She has said she WAS worried that he might still have something going on with his first wife.

I do think that there's a difference between having an affair, and having promiscuous, anonymous encounters in public places -- and that would be hard for any 12 year old to have to hear about, whatever the gender of the partners.

[ieoeja]

46. There is something seriously wrong with you two.

This sub-thread should have included far more name-calling and assumptions. You clearly do not know proper DU etiquette in these matters. You, pwnmom, should never have stooped so low as to introduce facts from the source material. And Before the Aegis should certainly have continued the argument based on what s/he read into what you wrote instead of paying attention to those details once you did introduce them.

[pnwmom]

47. You got me, ieoeja!

Thanks for the laugh.

:hi:

[Laughing Mirror]

33. Why should he apologize for saying "I'm a gay American" on national TV?

What does the governor's wife really want? Publicity to sell her true confession book?

[pnwmom]

34. He said a lot more than that, on his book tour and in his book.

He described their marriage and his adultery, including anonymous sex at places like rest stops and bookstore booths. He wrote the first "true confession" book. This is the answer, from her perspective in the marriage. Are you criticizing her for stating her own side of the story?

And yes, I'm sure she wants publicity for her book, just like he did when he was pushing his book on Oprah, etc.

He shouldn't apologize to Dina for coming out -- that was long overdue. But an apology was warranted for marrying her in the first place. He knew, and she did not, that he was gay; and he knew, and she did not, that he was using the marriage for his career. You don't think that merits a sincere apology?

http://www.towntopics.com/sep2706/book.html

From a review in the Town Topics, Princeton, N.J.'s local paper:

"McGreevey describes how it feels well enough. He works his two themes and develops his two selves all the way through: politics and homosexuality, the closeted gay and the ambitious 'public servant.' As a man struggling with his sexuality, he's generally sympathetic. As a politician using people, most particularly his second wife, he is, as he makes sure to admit, generally reprehensible. If you watched his 'coming out' announcement, you might have noticed Dina McGreevey. Maybe, like me, you were more taken with her beauty and her composure than you were with her husband's mea culpa. Reading The Confession, you not only admire her, you feel for her.

"And whenever McGreevey approaches the issue of how he misled and used her, his writing becomes revealingly lame: 'I hoped my story would play out differently: that living with Dina would help me enforce the boundaries I'd been trying to maintain for years. If I stayed single, with no structural safeguard, there was no telling what sort of volatile situation I might get into. Instead, with Dina, I would have a partner. I should have known that would be unfair to her, and it was blind of me.'"

SNIP

[Laughing Mirror]

37. "I apologize for marrying you in the first place."

"I'm sorry I met you and you became my political wife." Who'd offer an apology like that?

By necessity, like it or not, a man or woman, gay or lesbian or bi or not, running for high political office has to be married and have children to be taken seriously as a candidate in our sexually obsessed puritanical society. The problem that needs addressing here is that.

[pnwmom]

39. How about "I'm sorry I used you?" Or "I'm sorry I wasn't honest with you"?

McGreevey could have had a career as a divorced man, like Kucinich, Feingold, and many others (straight and gay) have done. He didn't need to marry a second time. But his wife was well-connected -- marriage to her would have benefited him politically even if he were straight.

Yes, our society puts enormous pressure on gay people to lead these phony lives, and that's WRONG. But even McGreevey recognized that he owed his wife an apology, which you would know if you'd read his book.

[LeftHander]

35. What people expect....

People expect that married people who finally come out should bear all the blame for their decades of lies.

And after they do they should be punished, publicly humiliated, criminally charged even...all the straight people on this board and elsewhere all have an idea of what one should or shouldn't do and that is certainly one's right.

But first off to answer the original posters question as to how can this be prevented....well it may never be "corrected".

As long as society presents only "male-female" relationships to children as "normal" and anything else as "abnormal", otherwise happy gay youths will feel shame and the result will be the closet. Some will have the courage and conviction to overcome societies shame, others will not. Add to the mix a overwhelming desire to be a parent together with ambition and you have McGreevy. In my case, fear of rejection and violence mixed with unbearable loneliness as a young man put me on the road that included a wife and daughter. I love my little family. Yet sometimes the sadness weighs so heavy on my heart it seems unbearable. I see so many sad faces of gay people bearing the weight of societies judgement.

But Life goes on and we all make the best of a bad situation that has been laid on us. I know happiness is possible.

All that can be done...is to love your children unconditionally with all your heart and soul no matter who they become, who they choose to love or who they choose to sleep with.

This is the finest example anyone can set.

[pnwmom]

36. Your situation is what I try to explain to opponents of gay marriage.

Gay people want to find someone to love and bond with, and if they can't live openly with a gay spouse, then they'll often marry a straight person instead -- and neither will really be happy.

I haven't ever talked to a conservative who would want his straight daughter to marry a gay man, but that's what happens when gay people feel that they have to hide. We end up with that many more McGreevey marriages.

I hope you find happiness and that you are able to come out. If your wife needs support, there's an online group called the Straight Spouse Network. There's also a group called COLAGE for the children of GLBT.

[dsc]

45. This is a sad story

but I fail to see it being worse than say Guiliani or Ginrich. McGreevey owed his wife better than he gave her. He also owed his daughter better. I have a slight amount of sympathy for him in that it is hard to live an openly gay life. But that doesn't give him an excuse to behave the way he did.

[pnwmom]

48. Politicians, as a group, don't seem to be that great

at managing their personal lives, do they?

Give me an engineer or a teacher any day.

[dsc]

49. There are some who are great and others who aren't

just like any other group. Though I do think that national politicians have more strained marriages due to long distance relationships and added temptations.

[foreigncorrespondent]

50. Absolutely it could have been avoided!

Simply by society not putting pressure on gay people to remain in the closet and live their lives as lies.

Just think, without bigotry and homophobia there wouldn't be the silent shame (meaning the "what the fuck is wrong with me" shame) every queer experiences when facing the situation of coming out or remaining in the closet.