Bullying of gay kids is a bit different than other kinds of bullying

[ruggerson]

All bullying is horrific. Kids can be brutal to one another. Geeks are bullied. Fat kids are bullied. Skinny kids are bullied. It's an epidemic in our society. Schools have to learn how to enact and execute comprehensive anti-bullying programs and parents have to be vigilant and tough in enforcing an atmosphere of zero tolerance at home, especially if its their own children that are implicated in bullying behaviour.

There is a bit of a twist if it's a gay kid who is being mocked and tortured and physically attacked. The added complication in the bullying of a gay child is the influence of the Church. It's no accident that these suicides take place more often in areas like rural California and Texas, where there are evangelical churches at almost every street corner. The preachers at these churches don't routinely demonize fat kids or geeks or kids with braces who aren't good at sports. But they do institutionally demonize gay kids. Preachers at evengelical churches across this nation spout anti-gay rhetoric from the pulpit week after week after week. If you are a gay kid and your parents are blind followers of these evil people, you have no place to go and no one to turn to.

You have no place to go and no one to turn to.

Your own family is a hotbed of hatred and ignorance. Your own family blindly follows the teachings of zealous bigots, who often organize the chuch faithful to engage in anti-gay political activities.

Those kids you see at the street corner holding up "YES ON 8" signs (or whatever your local anti gay referendum is) - how many of those kids do you think are actually gay? Trying their hardest to fit in with their peers, but torn up inside because they know at some level that they cannot even express, that they are participating in something deeply, profoundly wrong.

Many gay kids in this country are living imprisoned in a family twisted with hate, a family self defined by its "faith". The one place where kids are supposed to feel safe and loved becomes a daily, inescapable nightmare. Their own parents are avid proponents of a gospel of destruction and hate. The kids who become the anti-gay bullies are doing exactly what their family's preacher is not-so-subtly teaching them to do. Every institution in your life - your family, your church and your school devalues you as a human being and tells you daily lies about who you are and what your worth is.

Until we as a society address the rabid hate that is disseminated in many of our churches across this land, no educational anti-bullying program, as well intentioned as they are, is going to make a dent.

Not even a small one.

[scheming daemons]

1. Religion...again...almost always makes things worse

Has throughout history, and always will.


Especially the fundamentalist variety.

[DeSwiss]

2. Correct.

K&R

[Zoeisright]

20. Exactly. They are a scourge upon the earth.

And that's not hyperbole.

[Initech]

58. I like George Carlin's reason: "Religion is the leading cause of death on this planet. "

"Do you believe in god?"
"No"
Dead.
"Do you believe in god"
"Yes"
"Do you believe in *MY* god"
"No"
Fuck you! Dead.

[dsc]

3. I nearly broke down in front of my students today at our GSA meeting over just this

type of stuff. Kids whose parents just plain won't accept them plus kids getting called out of their name. I just feel so overwhelmed at this point. Maybe tomorrow I will be better. Tonight, I just will sleep like a baby, wake up every three hours and cry.

[The Philosopher]

5. Have you used The Trevor Project?

It's a wonderful resource. They provide a crisis/suicide hotline to call, at all hours, free. They also answer anonymous letters, providing advice that's particular to your situation/reigion. You don't have to be a kid, either, to write. And they have lots of resources to download for education. And, of course, you can show the movie that inspired it all.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trevor_Project

[dsc]

6. we are going to have a discussion meeting about how to deal with bullying

and other hate in a couple of weeks. I ordered a movie from teaching tolerance which we might screen then but I have told them about the treavor project but forgot about the film.

[defendandprotect]

63. Schools could be a turning point on this issue .... if all were like you ... !!!

parents need to hear from more than organized patriarchal religion --

parents have been bullied into HATING their own children! That's how this

system has worked for so long!!

And that's why we need our teachers!! And enlightened school principals!!

Best wishes !!!

:)

[dsc]

70. thanks

It is very rewarding even as it is tough.

[oxymoron]

4. You just described my life as a gay kid in a strict Mormon family.

It took me a good many years to get past the bullying at school and the intolerance at home. Programs that support gay youth are desperately needed. These kids have one of the highest rates of suicide. It is an issue that is rarely discussed positively in the mainstream. Thank you for your post.

~oxy

[FreeState]

11. +1

[defendandprotect]

65. Have a gay friend who still remembers .....

his difficulties in high school decades later!

It would be wonderful if gays cold come together to create school problems --

telling of their experiences -- and support groups?

Or would the schools/communities block something like that --

Agree -- these kids need help!

[QC]

7. And you can't even go to your parents, in many cases, because if you tell them

that everyone at school thinks you're gay, then they might start wondering why everyone thinks that.

So you just keep it all to yourself.

[dsc]

8. that was me

I never told my parents because I just couldn't face the inevitable next question.

[QC]

9. Same here. n/t

[HillWilliam]

43. I never told anybody at all until I left NC

I grew up in the mountains. I knew there was no support at school and there damnsure wasn't any at home, either. Being gay in a rural area could more than get you beaten. It could get you dead. I could hold my own against one at a time, but of course that was almost never the case; they always come at you in gangs. My way out was to join the army and get the hell outta dodge, find a career, then get the hell out of the army (after extending twice for the bonuses).

Once I got out on my own, only then could I breath free air, but that was a long damn time and a hellish road to get there. The OP is absolutely right: gay kids very often have nowhere, nowhere at all to turn. We're not all born physically capable or socially placed to fight back. Even opening our mouths is an invitation to torment, torture, and all-too often death.

[awoke_in_2003]

62. Just like the scene...

in Brokeback Mountain where they take out Jake Gillinhall's <sp> character- they come in groups.

[Dappleganger]

36. If my child couldn't come to me and tell me about being gay...

it would just kill me. It would mean that I had completely failed to create a safe and nurturing place in our home where you could just be yourself, be accepted no matter what.

[riderinthestorm]

10. . K & R with a small sob. nt

[Starry Messenger]

12. k & r

[Odin2005]

13. K&R

[Radical Activist]

14. You're right except that

there's a better support network in California than in many other places. If a gay teen kills himself in California it's more likely to be in the news. What if the same thing happened in rural Arkansas or Georgia? It wouldn't make the news. The reasons wouldn't be talked about and it wouldn't be a national story. Things get covered up in small towns. Gay teens in California have a better chance than in many other states that fly under the radar of the national press and where the progressive movement is non-existent.

In all of the schools I attended they demanded that students show respect to the teachers and administrators. They didn't demand that students show respect to each other or that teachers show respect to students. Predictably, the hypocritical mixed message didn't have much effect. The only message that will help stop bullying is that everyone deserves to be shown respect, and some schools have a hard time with that concept.

[dsc]

16. actually

rural Indiana and Texas have already had suicides reported this year over anti gay bullying. There have been four total, one each in Minnesota, California, Texas, and Indiana.

[Radical Activist]

19. I'm not surprised.

And I suspect that there are more in areas where it will never be reported that way.

[Pirate Smile]

15. "GOP lawmakers want to exclude gay students from anti-bullying bill"

GOP lawmakers want to exclude gay students from anti-bullying bill

By Jason Hancock 2/8/10 1:15 PM

A pair of Republican state legislators has introduced a bill that would remove protections for gay, lesbian and transgender students from an anti-bullying law passed in 2007.

State Reps. Jason Schultz, R-Schleswig, and Matt Windschitl, R-Missouri Valley, sponsored the legislation to remove sexual orientation and gender identity as definitions used for purposes of protecting students in public and nonpublic schools from harassment and bullying.
Schultz told NBC affiliate WHO-TV that the rationale behind the move is to force a vote on a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage, since the Iowa Supreme Court pointed to laws like Iowa’s Safe Schools Law in making its April decision to legalize same-sex marriage. Ryan Roemerman, executive director of Iowa Pride Network, said the bill would open up LGBT students to bullying and harassment.

“When our state is facing record budget deficits and unemployment, House Republicans feel their time is best spent picking on Iowa’s LGBT youth,” Roemerman said in a statement. “There is no better example as to why we have this law, so youth in Iowa don’t grow up to be like these bigots.”

http://iowaindependent.com/27342/gop-lawmakers-want-to-exclude-gay-students-from-anti-bullying-bill

Truly, unbelievably disgusting.

[dsc]

17. my state passed its anti bullying bill

without a single, solitary, GOP vote in either chamber. That alone is enough reason for me to never vote GOP here.

[Pirate Smile]

22. It is always amazing what cold-blooded bastards they are on these issues.

Then they talk about being "Christians" which makes it is doubly gag-inducing.

[Pirate Smile]

25. I forgot to add - it is because we have a Democratically controlled state government - State Senate

and State House along with a Democratic Governor that Iowa has been able to keep any votes about repealing Gay Marriage off the ballot. It really matters which party is in control and the difference is clear as day.

We probably wont be maintaining complete control of the State Government after the November elections. I'm glad there was some time so the hysterical chicken littles could be proven wrong. That helps strength the basic default value in Iowa that - hey, they aren't hurting anyone else so just let them be.

[oxymoron]

32. Absolutely disgusting (nt)

[raccoon]

34. This deserves its own thread. nt

[Dappleganger]

37. It really does.

[Posteritatis]

47. Definitely - started one.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x9223492

[Flubadubya]

41. What in the hell is wrong with these goddamned people...

they have to be of a truly sadistic and homophobic nature! Sheez!!! :cry::mad::argh:

[MinneapolisMatt]

18. You described my life, too.

Christian Fundie parents, forced to go to church 2-3 times a week, bullied at school. It's a miracle I'm alive.

[QC]

21. It's a miracle any of us make it to adulthood.

Frankly, I don't think the marvel is that so many of us off ourselves, but that more of us don't.

[Lilith Velkor]

23. kicky wicky

reccy weccy

[AnArmyVeteran]

24. Many churches are breeding grounds for hate

I went to a Baptist church one time when a friend invited me. As soon as the preacher began talking he kept calling everyone worthless and saying they are all going to hell. He attacked and belittled everyone on and on so I nudged my friend and told her I had to leave. I went outside and stood under a perfectly clear sky full of stars. I felt sorry for all of the people who were still inside that 'church' who were being victimized. I thought how all of them were being abused by religious abuse.

A few months later my dear friend tried to commit suicide by severely slashing both wrists. She ended up in state hospitals for almost two years where doctors eventually were able to repair all of the religious abuse she experienced. During the two years of intense therapy no one from her religious fanatic family went to visit her. Neither did anyone from her church. Even though they would certainly tell me I was going to hell I was the only person in her life who visited her and brought her hope. In her mind any good thought she had was 'god' and any bad thought was 'satan'. She had no self identity. And she had no self worth. Religion almost killed her. She grew up with right wing fanatical parents. She was forced to go to church twice a week. From that one service I attended with her I could easily see why people would commit suicide when all of the people in her life were infected with religious hatred. And when you hear your preacher constantly tell you that you are worthless and going to hell I can see how easy it would be for the most vulnerable people to take their own lives because they are living lives in total hell.

I know there are some good religions and churches, but I believe overall religion is just another way people divide themselves and learn to hate. Hell, no two people can agree on everything in the Bible. There are tens of thousands of different Christian deninations because they all have different views on what the Bible says. Einstein said "simplicity is genius" and if that were true then the 'god' who had men write the Bible is a complete idiot. Of course god did not write the Bible. If an all-knowing entity who always was and always will be couldn't even write a book everyone could agree with it shows not only is that 'god' an idiot, but he also has no compassion for mankind or he would have written it so clearly everyone, regardless of intelligence level, could agree on its contents. But the way it is written it causes divisions between even those who are Christians.

If religion hadn't been invented by man there would be other social phenonenoms that would bring people together, rather than drive them apart. From what I've seen of all the religions in the world, religion is evil. No one has to be exposed to religion to be a good person. In remote tribes around the world who haven't heard of any of the world's religions they live peaceful lives in harmony with each other and with nature. Christian missionaries who traveled the globe destroyed entire cultures and polluted their minds with their evil beliefs. It's obvious they haven't even read the line in the Bible that says "take the plank out of your own eye before trying to remove the splinter from another's".

If sane people didn't stop them in the United States religious fundamentalists would seize control over our government and pass laws so restrictive it would make laws in Islamic theocracies look moderate.

[Gaedel]

38. Long held Calvinist theological position

"I went to a Baptist church one time when a friend invited me. As soon as the preacher began talking he kept calling everyone worthless and saying they are all going to hell. He attacked and belittled everyone on and on so I nudged my friend and told her I had to leave. I went outside and stood under a perfectly clear sky full of stars. I felt sorry for all of the people who were still inside that 'church' who were being victimized. I thought how all of them were being abused by religious abuse."


This goes back to the New England Calvinist sermons of Johnathan Edwards and Cotton Mather preaching "sinners in the hands of an angry God" where mankind is inherently sinful and has no redeeming features and it is only by "God's Grace" that we are not cast immediately into the fiery pit. God is angry with us, but His compassion and the Redeemer are what ultimately will save us. If you disagree, stay out of Calvinist churches.

It goes along with a method of teaching and child raising which says that no kid is worthy of "self esteem" and that kids are pieces of crap who, if they work hard and are kicked in the ass frequently, might, some day, with effort and luck, become a productive member of society.

[Karenina]

26. K&R!

[Solly Mack]

27. and it doesn't help that people in government treat you like a problem to solve

instead of a citizen with rights.

K&R

[xchrom]

28. recommend

[H2O Man]

29. Well said.

Recommended.

[VMI Dem]

30. K and R.

[TexasObserver]

31. Agreed. A gay boy in Houston just committed suicide to escape bullying.

A good boy, a good student. He and his parents had complained about the bullying to the school, which did nothing to stop it. As soon as the parents went public after his death, the school denied the parents had complained. These are the kind of school districts the Republicans run in their areas of Houston.

Gay bashing is implicitly accepted among many of the school jocks, and those guys are typically the worst offenders.

[Smarmie Doofus]

59. Bitter irony: Lesbian mayor. nt

[ruggerson]

67. I hope she talks about it publicly

n/y

[terrya]

33. Highly recommended and I agree with everything you said.

Which needs to be said.

Thanks.

[Dappleganger]

35. Quite true, but I don't think that people are saying

that other types of bullying is worse, only that ALL kinds of bullying is wrong and quite often a gay child/teen is subjected to several kinds of bullying (at least that's what I read). My best friend growing up was bullied from late elementary grades (catholic school, no doubt) for not being a jock/being thin, than later in middle school they bullied him for just "looking" gay. He hadn't come out to anyone and was dating girls so that no one would find out! He didn't dare come out until after he graduated or he would have been expelled right away. His father and siblings turned away from him, only his mom, myself + the gay community embraced him (I already knew he was gay, only he could know when it was time to come out). But it didn't begin with gay taunting, it began with just not fitting in to the typical jock mold. No doubt it would happen even earlier if he'd gone through it these days.

You are dead-on about the church and family being the worst place to turn to because of their hatred and ignorance. As a christian that makes my heart cringe, because both of those should be a safe haven for everyone! There are christians who are trying to make a difference and trying to shake up people to wake up!

[ZombieHorde]

39. I have heard Christian Republicans claim the high rate of gay youth suicides is

evidence being gay is evil. When I pointed out the cruel treatment of gays in our society, they became upset and attacked me personally.

[Amaril]

40. K & R

My heart aches for all those who lived through this and even more for those who are enduring it as we speak.

[gaspee]

42. Exactly... It's so frustrating

Whenever the latest news of a gay teenagers suicide is posted, the "everyone gets bullied" brigade comes out. And yes, all bullying sucks, but these people trying to minimize the suffering of gay youth haven't got a fucking clue how bad it is.

[BolivarianHero]

44. Many don't feel very comfortable here...

I'm on a university campus in downtown Ottawa and the MP for the area is a social democrat. Moreover, the right-wing slate got decimated in the last student election in part because one of its candidatesNi, an evangelical Christian from Ghana, was not willing to answer a question about providing service to LGBT students who feel marginalised or bullied.

Ironically, I had to skip out on the debate to finish a paper on LGBT rights outside of Canada.

Nonetheless, passive homophobia and heteronormative assumptions are still quite pervasive here, and one of my friends, a bisexual girl in first year, had her residence vandalized by homophobic slurs in lipstick. The heteronormative assumptions, unfortunately, are difficult to fix and would be so even if were to eliminate homophobia from society simply because 90 - 95% of the population is heterosexual and possessed a conventional gender identity. (Indeed, FireFox doesn't even include the word heteronormative in its dictionary even though the browser's a darling of progressives, lefties, and libertarians.)

[Posteritatis]

48. I found the attitudes in some of the schools around there stunning

I spent a year at UWO; I really wouldn't want to be unlucky enough to be a gay student on that campus. (Or in that city altogether, but that's a different rant.) Their graduate student society's been a mess the last few years because of the Conservative Party trying to take it over from within; the SOGS president a couple years ago was gay and I still can't believe the attacks on him over it.

[BolivarianHero]

52. UWO is pretty conservative as university campuses go though...

London's not the most progressive of cities, but at the same time the conservatism there is overstated by the fact that both the Fiberals and the NDP are strong there and most Tories in London nowadays are only there because our electoral system is a sack of shit and the Fibs are too corrupt to work with the centre-left parties to fix it (If the Fibs were willing to share power, we could democratize our electoral system and kick the Tories out of office for a fucking generation. Powersharing, however, imposes checks and balances that are anathema to Fiberal corruption and the enjoyment they get out of doling out patronage appointments and out of abusing the PMOs vast powers almost as much as Steve the Republican does. So instead, they scare the sheeple away from the NDP and the Green Party by blackmailing us all with the threat of Tory insanity.).

If the GSA were to be taken over by militant homophobes at Carleton, there's a powerful progressive establishment that would almost literally spill blood (some becaue they want power, most out of righteous indigination) to resolve the problem. We're CFS #1. The right can only win student elections here by manipulating the press to create or magnify scandals.

[Posteritatis]

53. Oh, definitely

I was just used to the Halifax university experience and was bowled over by London. The fact that SOGS was actually passing bylaws forbidding one of its members from speaking because he was gay ("a confirmed homosexual," in their wording), for instance. It was an eye-opener that that sort of thing was acceptable on a college campus, much less the default state.

(It's a pity, really; London was a beautiful city, but the ugliness of the people balanced things out too much.)

[bobbolink]

45. Too bad you don't include homelessness in the categories of kids who get bullied.

Maybe you aren't aware of the HATRED that poor and homeless kids are subjected to?

Could we please start including POVERTY in our thought processes?

[Gormy Cuss]

50. bobbo, that topic deserves its own thread.

You are right that bullying of low income (and homeless children in particular) can be brutal.

[bobbolink]

56. YEs, it does. Would you like to start it?

You see, I have become exhausted with trying to bring up a topic that is not popular among Dems and "progressives".

List after list after list leaves out poor people, and I am now determined to do everything I can to REMIND ALL of you that we are HERE, we EXIST, and we are TIRED OF BEING IGNORED.

[superduperfarleft]

66. Shhhhh.

[QC]

55. Many of those homeless kids are homeless because they are LGBT

and their upstanding, moral parents gave them the boot because of it.

[bobbolink]

57. Exactly. So, why aren't gay people involved heavily in stopping homelessness???????

[Jamastiene]

46. I'm glad I got here in time to Rec this.

It really is more institutionalized when it is a gay kid being bullied. In a lot of cases, even some of the people in authority (some teachers, principals, administrators) will join in on making the kid feel unwanted, hated, or just downright bullied.

The bottom line is this: For straight kids, there is usually someone around who lets them know that they are not alone. For gay kids, there usually is NOT someone around who can help them get through it.

The best answer is to make sure to stop the bullying. Make a policy, that is nationwide, and ENFORCE the policy across the board. It really should not matter why the kid is being bullied to them. They should enforce the policy and stop the bullying. Too often, they get into the reasons the kid is being bullied and then make a judgment based on their personal opinions. They should not do that. They should just enforce the policy without getting into the specifics. If a kid is being bullied, find out who is doing the bullying and suspend them or punish them in some way that will stop the bullying.

If they can suspend a kid for having freaking fingernail clippers or an army style can opener* in their pocket because of zero tolerance for weapons, they can make a zero tolerance policy that they ENFORCE for all bullying too.


*Yes, that DID happen. It was me and they took it from me. I just went and bought another one. The can opener was to open a can of soup I had brought for lunch. Growing up, at home, we always used the army can opener because we each had one and they are easy to use and easy to clean. So, I just carried it around on my key chain.

[The Uncola]

49. As the fat kid...

.. who took the grief, at least I could depend on support from family. Hard to imagine what I would have done without that. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, and you are absolutely correct, the "fundamentalist" mindset is a cancer on our society, one the needs be removed before it kills us.

[Octafish]

51. No escape, even at home, for many gay kids.

Bullied at school and at home. Thank you, ruggerson, for an essay that is oustanding in every way and most heartbreaking in what matters most in life -- the pain suffered by children.

[MuseRider]

54. K&R

Nothing to add.

Well done ruggerson, as always.

[WestSeattle2]

60. Most organized religions are a blight on mankind - institutions of

ignorance, hate, and unbelievable levels of gullibility. Many of the "good works" most do, are nothing more than vehicles to proselytize and spread their organizational ignorance. The good works are not performed out of the goodness of hearts, rather they're performed with ulterior and selfish motives.

Give me a nation of kind-hearted, loving Atheists any day.

[defendandprotect]

61. Let's face it... too often organized patriarchal religion is a BULLYING experience ...!!

especially for females -- but also for homosexuals --

at one time for Jews -- African Americans --

But this is true ... Christianity has been forced by social enlightenment to give up

beating on their "enemies" -- EXCEPT as far as I know they still get up on that pulpit

every Sunday and spread hatred and intolerance for homosexuals.

And we all know that that preaching, that teaching of hatred, creastes violence against

homosexuals -- bullying is violence!

Great post --

IMO, the clubs for homosexuals -- and constant school monitoring of students' behavior

towards all groups is essential.

Nice post!

:)

[lonestarnot]

64. We should organize neighborhoods with bully watchers that communicate with school admin and follow-

up with families and police.

[AzNick]

68. I was bullied as a gay kid without being gay

That was in the 80s and we were listening to all sort of music back then and some kids heard that I was listening to Frankie Goes To Hollywood. Which obviously made me gay.

The day he saw me dressed as a woman, that was it, he was 100% sure.

Except this was friggin' HALLOWEEN!!!

Everyday the dude was calling me gay even after he saw me french kiss a girl behind a door (aah... high school...)

Gay bulliers are DUMB.

[Doc Martin]

69. It is not Evangelicals alone: still giving $ to the Catholic Church?

Those of us who are Catholic need to find ways to support our local Catholic parish without one penny going to the institutional leaders (bishops and pope).

In 1986, the current Roman Catholic pope, Joseph Ratzinger, then doctrinal top cop, wrote an official letter that was ordered to be published by then Pope John Paul II as official Church teaching.

Two stunning statements are made:

The homosexual inclination in a person is itself a strong tendency toward an intrinsic moral evil.

When people say that the inclination is not disordered and society creates laws to protect homosexual behavior, no one should be surprised at the violent reactions that will follow.

Here are the direct quotes with emphasis added:

“Although the particular inclination of the homosexual person is not a sin, it is a more or less strong tendency ordered toward an intrinsic moral evil; and thus the inclination itself must be seen as an objective disorder….

But the proper reaction to crimes committed against homosexual persons should not be to claim that the homosexual condition is not disordered. When such a claim is made and when homosexual activity is consequently condoned, or when civil legislation is introduced to protect behavior to which no one has any conceivable right, neither the Church nor society at large should be surprised when other distorted notions and practices gain ground, and irrational and violent reactions increase.”

Joseph Ratzinger 1986 “Halloween Letter”

http://www.vatican.va/roman_curia/congregations/cfaith/documents/rc_con_cfaith_doc_19861001_homosexual-persons_en.html