Churlish Captain Capitalism Saves Miners

[Enrique]

http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s2i84442

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - The Churlish Captain Capitalism & Executive Sidekick, Dale the Driller, saved the Chilean miners using their free-market super hero tools. "It needs to be said," stated The Captain, "The rescue is a smashing victory for free-market capitalism and myself. It may seem churlish of me, but then again, I am the Churlish Captain Capitalism."

Thirty three miners working in the San Jose mine owned by Compania Minera San Esteban were rescued after 69 days. The timing corresponded with the quarterly reporting for the company, "We felt it would improve stockholder return to have our human resources out by the end of the quarter," stated a spokesperson for the corporation, adding, "The market doesn't respond well to dead miners."
The Churlish Captain Capitalism, sporting his double Center Cock drill heads, used for down-the-hole hammer drilling, was able to penetrate the miners enclosed space. "The Chilean miners have never experienced down-the-hole hammer drilling the Capitalist way," declared the Captain.

Stating that capitalism is the hero in the saga of the Chilean miners, the Captain offered, "The Capitalist exploitation = shareholder profit = innovation dynamic was everywhere at that Chilean mine. The mine owners have already secured licensing rights to the folk songs they wrote while waiting to die."

Dale the Driller, Executive Sidekick to the Churlish Captain Capitalism, used capitalist super hero drilling techniques to reach the miners. After completing the down-the-hole hammer drilling, the miners were strapped into a harness inside a 21-inch-wide bullet-shaped capsule. They wore green moisture-resistant Nike track suits and Oakley sunglasses provided by the sponsors of the rescue.

(...)




Written in response to the crazy op-ed in the Wall Street Journal: Capitalism Saved Miners, by Daniel Henninger.

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1. Recommended for subject line using the word "churlish". nt