Un-friended my birther mom

[abelenkpe]

And Uncle and Brother. They just wouldn't let it go, kept invading all my posts with teabaggery and Obama hate and while they are on the other side of the country my friends, supervisors and co-workers see that stuff and I'm tired of trying to explain their incendiary comments away.

But it still hurts. They never visit and when we do communicate they spend all their time telling me how wrong I am in front of my children. And now I'm the bad guy for un-friending them.

Anyway thank you DUers for all the help in the past formulating responses to their nuttiness. You are the best!
Unfortunately I'd have more luck talking to a teapot than a tea-partier.

[Mayberry Machiavelli]

1. You realize that you can block their posts without unfriending them, right?

Of course, if you would effectively not be using FB to communicate with them I suppose you might as well unfriend.

[hlthe2b]

2. So, your "BIRTH" MOM is a "BIRTHER?"

Sorry, but I had to laugh at that....LOL

BTW, it is TEABAGGER. They were the ones who named themselves that originally and I'm sorry but they are STUCK with it. ;)

[dana_b]

3. I'm sorry

that must really, REALLY suck! I can't imagine having to deal with that from my family.

[FSogol]

4. Just say, "I love you Mom, but you are mentally ill politically. I hope you get the help you need.

Good luck.

[Mark D.]

66. No, Misled.

Not ill. I have this issue with an immediate family member and one of my best friends. I've told that family member, no, I don't want to watch Glenn Beck, and no, it's only true in YOUR opinion. No avail. Finally I'd said 'I'm liberal, we will never agree, this isn't odd, more than 1/2 of America is center or left of center, I'm not alone in this'. I am seeing that person make an effort to change. My other friend? We will have friendly debates on politics, but the "A-Word" I'd told him is off limits. I only had to hear him say I advocate murder to say, 'we better not talk about this anymore'. It won't change either of our minds.

Decades ago, one could say 'Dick Nixon doesn't seem honest' or 'JFK is too inexperienced' and have civil political debates. WE did not change the game, THEY did. Who are they? The elite of course. Koch Brothers, Murdoch, FAUX Snooze, Limbaugh, etc.. No longer was it 'they don't agree with you', but 'they don't want to hear the truth', so it advocates that a 'faithful' person push what they think is true. Worse, and Beck has championed this, it's turned to 'churches involved in 'social justice' and all liberals are socialists who want to destroy YOUR country'. Enmity. We aren't just disagreeing, we are an actual "threat" to them.

That is where I draw the line. It's not a political debate anymore. I told this family member directly, this is what THEY want. Don't let them do this to us. How many across America don't talk to each other based on what some distant propagandist feeds one of them? I bring up Limbaugh's drug & likely pedophile escapades, and they say 'it's in the past' (oh really, THAT long ago)? Then I'm bombarded with how bad Jimmy Carter was over 30 f*ing years ago. It's not worth it. It's better to be right with someone than to try and be 'right' about everything. Let it go. We must not let those propagandist bastards destroy our families.

[Maru Kitteh]

70. Please don't trivialize mental illness like that. You hurt people when you do.

Mental illness isn't a joke, and it's not a fault either, anymore than Parkinson's or cancer. Do you make derogatory jokes about those too? Mental illness is an illness. Good people don't make fun of people for being ill.

[quinnox]

5. Maybe reconsider

Just don't talk about politics when around them, those are close family members, may as well try and get along with them.

[Keith Bee]

47. Apparently, they aren't giving the OP that option

[Trajan]

69. That seems a plain response ...

Unfortunately, not everybody is as reasonable as you are ...

I have two brothers and one sister unfriended due to the same problem - That was AFTER I kindly requested they cease and desist their rabid diatribes ....

When you say 'Just dont talk about politics when around them', this fails to recognize that they shove it up your ass anyways, while you are listening silently ...

They may as well take a fucking hike IF they continue to attempt to shove their opinions where the sun doesn't shine, knowing full well I had already asked them to stop ...

Again ... not every problem is so simple ....

[Guy Whitey Corngood]

6. .

:hug:

[LetTimmySmoke]

7. That sucks.

Good luck to you, you have our support.

[rucky]

8. You can pick your friends

but sadly we don't have much say over who our family is.

[mountainlion55]

53. So true

My little bro is a RW christian and it split my family apart.We tried the can't we just get along game but it does not work for me.:smoke:

[jp11]

9. Sorry to hear about your family, I don't see any point in dealing with

people who are disrespectful/abusive because they are 'blood/family', I won't put up with it.

[SidDithers]

10. You should have done it Sunday morning...

:hi:

Sid

[EFerrari]

30. LOL

[demosincebirth]

11. Good luck. Hard to be in that position.

[Lex]

12. OMG, all my insane repuke relatives cannot even SEE my status updates

much less post on them. Just use your privacy settings and they can't "invade" your posts because they won't even see them in their feed.

[a la izquierda]

Yep

I can deal with some of my family in terms of political debates. But I have one who's totally off the deep end.

[a la izquierda]

15. Yep

I can deal with some of my family in terms of political debates. But I have one who's totally off the deep end.

[abelenkpe]

26. Hmmm, I'll definitely look into setting up better

privacy settings. Thanks!

[arikara]

38. You can block their posts too

without unfriending them. I've done that with some who are downright annoying with their constant posting of things. Just click on the X to the right of their post and it will give you a menu to do that. It also works to block those annoying game and app posts... so and so is playing farmville / bingo / mafia thingy now.

[Name removed]

13. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[pacalo]

22. That misses the point, though, which is regard & respect for abelenkpe's feelings.

Abelenkpe's family is invasive with contrary comments & disrespectful of her in front of her children during visits. Self-preservation comes first when dealing with this nonsense.

[Name removed]

24. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[quakerboy]

65. That still misses the point

I doubt its about "sending a message". At some point you stop worrying about "negative reactions" and start worrying about "How do I continue to exist as a safe, sane, positive human being".

[abelenkpe]

27. It is mostly about how they talk to me in front of the kids

and in front of my co-workers on facebook? It's outrageous.

But I didn't know I could have two facebook accounts. That's something I'll look into over break. Thanks for the support! :)

[Name removed]

29. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[sybylla]

32. Agreed. This wasn't about a simple disagreement over beliefs or issues

This is a pathologically abusive, co-dependent, bullying relationship that needs to end. As someone who had to do the same thing 17 years ago, I fully encourage unfriending and no further communications with the exception of weddings and funerals.

Abelenkpe has every right to walk away from the poison.

Life it too short to put up with that emotionally draining and psychologically sick bull crap. Unfortunately, most of us take it way too long.

[Quantess]

14. Ooh, it's so annoying when people make their posts visible to friends of friends.

I wish there was a way to know whose posts are going to be broadcast to everyone when you post a response to it.

[snooper2]

16. technically speaking, every mom is a birther

:hide:

[OKNancy]

As others have said, you can set your preferences

so that people can read only what you post, not what others post to you.
I'd still delete them anyway. No need to read their spew.

[Lex]

18. You can set it so certain Friends cannot see what you post as status updates.

You can just exclude them from seeing status updates, photos you post, or almost anything else.

[ellie]

49. Yes, this is what I do

I have created groups of friends depending on what I am doing. For example, I only send status updates on Farmville to my Farmville friends, etc.

On the other hand, I have de-friended practically all of my husband's family because they are too crazy about religion without actually having a religion. It's like they all collectively went off the deep end. Good riddance I say! If they want to talk to me they know my phone number.

[sasha031]

17. I am so sorry, it's faux news that is destroying families

I have relatives also who are birthers. Faux is able to manipulate the uninformed and yes it is a racial thing. My mother who has now passed has her own issues. Maybe it's the generation they were brought up in.

If you can try to tune them out and change the subject whenever they start talking about nonsense.

[sybylla]

35. I'm sorry. I have to disagree.

A person is the person they choose to be. No one makes them listen to Faux news. No one makes them believe the crap. No one makes them do anything. These are choices they make. And as Eleanor Roosevelt said, we are the product of our choices.

Excusing people for being shit-heads or bullies or abusers or alcoholics by saying it's the fault of others or the fault of some outside influence neither solves the problem nor keeps it from corrupting and perverting the world around those bad players into something painful and bleak.

We must stand on our own two feet and we must hold others accountable for their own behavior as we hold ourselves.

Alcoholics Anonymous, Al-Anon, and every psychiatrist and humanist I've ever met will tell you the same thing.

[Wait Wut]

19. Geez. That really does suck.

Whatever you do, don't forget to call her on Mother's Day.

[aj_cd]

20. I understand and am sorry for pain this causes you.

I will spare you long boring story of why I understand, but I do. And am no help with facebook, I set up account and quickly remembered, I didn't like any of these people when I went to school with them, why did I think it would have changed? So,it pretty much just lays there.
But, I do know how much this stuff hurts me and I am so sorry you are going through this.

[seabeyond]

21. send her flowers for mothers day, tell her you love her and keep her unfriended

really, not telling you what to do, ..... do what you need. i am sorry for you. after 2004 election my repug husband told ALL of my family, NO talking politics in this house. period. he knew election was stolen and he knew my brothers and father was pissing me off.

he put his foot down

and i said, lol, ok

not a passive bone in me, but it worked well for all of us

[abelenkpe]

25. Thanks!

I just sent her a yummy collection of Japanese candies and flowers for mothers day. The kids are making her cards we'll post tomorrow. I think your advice is spot on.

I've asked them before no discussing politics or religion but they just don't stop so...no more friending. Wish it could be different though...

[crim son]

56. I think you're handling it the right way.

You've made your point without being aggressive but you aren't disowning her. If you ever decide to friend her again, just do the privacy manipulation thing. I'm lucky and the rethug part of my family is elderly and has no interest in FB. :hug:

[barbtries]

23. i'm sorry you couldn't get through

don't let them guilt you into thinking they did not bring that upon themselves.

[krabigirl]

28. Wow. Just wow. I happen to love my family, even though they disagree with me,

[seabeyond]

31. i am going with he loves his family, too. i guess i can throw in a wow, just wow, too. nt

[quakerboy]

67. Wow is the right word in this circumstance

facebook "friending" is now equivalent to love?

The ugly implied in what you said is indeed "wow".

[AC_Mem]

33. I'm so sorry..

My family in Ohio are kind of like that too. At least they tried, every time my mother tries to pull out the talking points and lies she believes, I counter it with facts. It is frustrating, but I think they have figured out that I'm not going to sit back and that I'm quite educated on the facts and they better be too if they want to have that conversation with me.

I don't understand it and I ask - how can you believe this crap? How can you stand for what is obviously hurting you?

Sometimes you have to do what you have to do. Maybe pulling back like this will make a difference.

Be strong,
Annette

[Left coast liberal]

34. Sometime we adopt new family. And, that is good.

[yellerpup]

36. You won't miss them.

You might feel guilty from time to time because you don't, but if you've dreaded being around them for years (wishing for better, I know) then you won't miss them much when they're gone. Sometimes when very conservative parents discover that you can no longer be controlled or manipulated, they lose interest in you. Good luck. You'll be fine. :hug:

[mnhtnbb]

37. I've unfriended my SIL. Politics separated us prior to fb in 2008

and eventually I relented. Then she wanted to friend me. I hesitated, but did. Unfriended
her not many months later.

Sometimes, you just have to let people go.

[Exultant Democracy]

39. My big sister turned into a fundy all of a sudden one day. It breaks my heart.

The worst part of course is the terrible brainwashing that she is forcing on her children.

[Capitalocracy]

40. My mom's pretty lib, but she got conned on climate change. (sigh)

She started saying yeah, but 20 years ago they were afraid of global cooling... /facepalm

[Jakes Progress]

41. Too much family propaganda.

Just like you could be born in Fiji. You could be born white or brown or black. You could be born straight or gay. You could be born rich or poor, sick or healthy. It's a roll of the dice. You make the best life you can. I've got one brother I can spend a day with maybe twice a year. One brother I don't ever want to see again. My father was a beautiful human being, one of the best. My mom was just fine but a little selfish. I've got ditto-head uncles, racist uncles, and a few decent cousins out of 30.

I taught school where I could see kids who were 15 that would be better off in an orphanage. I've known grown women who are still seeking approval and a close connection from monsters that just happened to give them birth. My first wife was one.

Find a family of people you admire and who admire you. The world is no longer limited by farm needs and village necessities. It's a bummer that your mom is the way she is. Just be glad you aren't.

I can't speak for you of course, but I know a lot of people who lead better lives when they dumped their family heartaches and poison.

[Iwillnevergiveup]

50. So well said, Jakes Progress

We can choose our friends (many of whom eventually become "family"), and besides, there are no perfect families.

Don't care for Facebook and don't do it. Do like e-mails, phone calls and face-to-face encounters with friends/most family.

:hi:

[TNLib]

42. Oh the fun of Facebook. I'm seriously considering just not posting anymore

and keeping all the teabaggers that I have friended hidden. Every now and then I just get the urge to debate these people but it goes nowhere and quite frankly it's futile. It's like debating a piece of fruit.

What you could do is just hide her threads and then you wouldn't have to read them.

[CoffeeCat]

43. Just some thoughts...

I won't presume to understand your family or your relationships with them but I would like to say to you---

No one has the right to insult you and demean you in front of your own children. It sounds like your
family members have terrible issues with personal boundaries.

I had to set boundaries with toxic family members. Dysfunctional people always protest and make you
feel guilty when you act healthy. They kick. They scream. They tell you how YOU are the problem.
They make you feel like the crazy one. When in reality--they are out of line, rude and very disrespectful
toward you.

You would never put up with behavior like this from a friend or a stranger on the street. But people endure
it from family members--usually because they've become accustomed to being bulled by family.

I am proud of you for de-friending these people. That is YOUR page. If you don't like the tone or the comments
that people post--you have every right to delete their posts or de-friend them.

People who truly care about you and who deserve to be in your life--will understand. Abusers, bullies and toxic
people will try to berate you into doing what they want--so they can continue to treat you like dirt.

Do not fall for this game. If they're angry...let them be angry. Ignore it. Let them have their feelings and
go on with your life. You're not cutting them out. You're just finding some peace that you deserve.

[Snoutport]

44. I know how it feels!!!! I have some really close conservative friends that i really love

but I have had to unfriend, who have unfriended me. I finally wrote a post and just told them all it was cool if my posts drove them crazy and that they were totally welcome to unfriend me and I wouldn't take it personally.

It has been much nicer to use facebook ever since.

[babsbunny]

45. HA! My Birther/Teabagger Daughter-In-Law un-friended me

Been a year since we spoke, and months since I have spoke to my Son.

[Enthusiast]

46. I know how you feel.

I have ignorant birther/teabagger relatives.

[H2O Man]

48. Years ago,

it came time for me to cut off all communications with a number of my family members. They live in a neighborhood that is about 4 miles away. Over the years, there have been a few times when I've wished things were different. But they are not. It has greatly reduced the amount of stress in my life.

[DFW]

51. Or, as Barney Frank put it:

A dining room table

[Moonwalk]

52. Guess Mom won't be getting a card or visit for Mother's Day....

:shrug:

[tavalon]

54. So your birth mom, not your adoptive mom?

Or am I completely misunderstanding here?

[badgerpup]

55. Sometimes you have to just walk away...

...even if it's from your own family. :cry:

"Blood thicker than water" doesn't get a pass if the blood-bearers are toxic, malicious, hurtful, mean, vicious, etc. and generally make your life miserable.

You did the right thing...even if it hurts like hell now.

You'll heal, and be able to breathe, walk, and just generally LIVE more easily without having a spiked ankle fetter chained to a 50 lb weight on your spirit.

I hope that made sense...:hug:

[southernyankeebelle]

57. That is why I got off facebook all together. When I do meet with family

now I tell them before hand no politics. If I see anyone stir that way I remind them again and if they don't stop I leave.

[OmahaBlueDog]

58. Tell your extended family that if they want to see the grandkids, lay off politics

Make it that simple.

I'm sorry to hear about this, but you're not alone.

[Zorra]

59. Kind of what it's like when you are GLBT and your family won't accept you.

I'm sorry for your pain and completely empathize.

[Liberal Veteran]

60. You have every right to shut down toxic relationships.

And you shouldn't feel bad if you have tried to set boundaries and they keep crossing those boundaries.

[Mz Pip]

61. I had to do it to a cousin

It was an email relationship but she would send me every BeckRushHannity and verious fringe site rants about Obama, before and after he was elected. She never was never particularly bright but I thought she had a bit of common sense. FInally I just told her to stop sending me the crap. And she did. Haven't heard from her since.

I have other Republican relatives I get along fine with but they are not birthers; they are more old school Republicans. We have sane discussions and they often agree with me on many topics.

Sometimes you can't win, particularly when there is no room for open honest debate. You can't choose who you are rleated to but you can choose how or if you are going to interact with them.

Don't let them get you down. They had choices they made too. They chose to sign on with the nutters. It's their loss for not having a sane person in their lives anymore.

[NC_Nurse]

62. i feel your pain. My dad is a RW Repub too. Fortunately, since I'm no spring

chicken myself, he doesn't usually embarass me in front of others. But he still loves to pick an argument using his "Fox Facts". Ugh.

[lupinella]

63. Very Brave of you.

I fully understand why you made the choice and support your choice of reason. It is difficult, but allows YOUR life to be saner.

[ingac70]

64. I've got extended family like that. cousins, aunts, and uncle....

And I just quit going around them. Just sitting in the same room with that much stupid lowers my IQ points.

[quakerboy]

68. Blood is NOT thicker than common decency.

I'm with ya.

[Aerows]

71. This is but one reason

among many that I do not have a Facebook account. Privacy concerns are the main one, but I have plenty of idiots in my family, and I'd rather be blissfully unaware of just how idiotic they are.

[NNN0LHI]

72. Word of warning

I have some friends and relatives who think pretty much along the same lines as I do politically but occasionally they will fuck with me just to get a rise out of me. Just had a good friend who knows I am a big Obama supporter acting like he was a birther. He isn't but he just about had me going for a minute until I realized what he was doing. We both had a good laugh about it afterwards.

Just keep in mind this does phenomenon can happen.

Don