The Onion: Budget Mix-Up Provides Nation's Schools With Enough Money To Properly Educate Students

[abelenkpe]

The Onion: Budget Mix-Up Provides Nation's Schools With Enough Money To Properly Educate Students

http://www.theonion.com/articles/budget-mixup-provides-nations-schools-with-enough,20350/

WASHINGTON—According to bewildered and contrite legislators, a major budgetary mix-up this week inadvertently provided the nation's public schools with enough funding and resources to properly educate students.

Sources in the Congressional Budget Office reported that as a result of a clerical error, $80 billion earmarked for national defense was accidentally sent to the Department of Education, furnishing schools with the necessary funds to buy new textbooks, offer more academic resources, hire better teachers, promote student achievement, and foster educational excellence—an oversight that apologetic officials called a "huge mistake."

"Obviously, we did not intend for this to happen, and we are doing everything in our power to right the situation and discipline whoever is responsible," said House Budget Committee chairman Paul Ryan (R-WI), expressing remorse for the error. "I want to apologize to the American people. The last thing we wanted was for schools to upgrade their technology and lower student-to-teacher ratios in hopes of raising a generation of well-educated, ambitious, and skilled young Americans."

"That's the type of irresponsible misspending that I've been focused on eliminating for my entire political career," Ryan added.

(more at link)

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Ahhhh, the onion...

[Fumesucker]

1. I thought The Onion is supposed to be satire, not outright fantasy..

[blondeatlast]

2. This actually, sorta, maybe gives me an idea...

If we can shift the rhetoric regarding education to being more militaristic, we might have a chance...

[hootinholler]

7. With cops and scanners

Our schools are militaristic enough.

-Hoot

[blondeatlast]

10. True, but those cops and scanners need LOADS of funding, if you catch my drift. nt

[CaliforniaPeggy]

3. Damn, how much I wish this was true!

[abelenkpe]

4. I know huh?

My favorite bit:

"And politicians will be adversely affected as well," Boehner said. "What will our nation do if the next generation knows that all we care about is our own selfish interests and pandering to the wealthy elite? Is that the future you want? Not me.


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Republicans are jerks for working so hard over the years to undermine public education but nothing illustrates that as well as the onion does so succinctly with humor.

[patricia92243]

5. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. n/t

[quaker bill]

6. It would certainly be an accident

if it ever happened.

[leeroysphitz]

8. Heads are gonna roll...

[yurbud]

9. if they sent it to the department of ed, it would end up with testing companies and for profit

charter schools.