http://thedesperateblogger.com/2011/05/jesus-confirms-world-ended-saturday/Appearing at a poolside press conference at the Las Vegas Hard Rock Hotel and Casino, Jesus Christ officially announced his return in anticipation of his long-awaited showdown with the Antichrist. In doing so, he confirmed what few had realized – that the Rapture did in fact occur, as announced, at 6 PM on Saturday, May 21, 2011.
“I can assure all those present, without equivocation, that all who qualified have left this earth and ascended to heaven, as promised two millennia ago,” the robe clad Lord and Savior told gathered media. “The purpose of my appearance today is to remind, and warn, those still present that in spite of widespread belief to the contrary, things can – and actually will – get worse before they get better. I’m also here to announce that my representatives, along with representatives of Satan and his associates at Fox News and Pat Robertson’s Christian Broadcasting Network, have agreed to terms on a spectacular pay-per-view event, ‘The Final Showdown’ which will air simultaneously on those networks on December 21, 2012.”
When pressed for the identity of the yet-to-be unmasked Antichrist with which he will do battle for dominion over what’s left of the earth, Mr. Christ answered, “Nobody knows for sure, and right now I don’t believe any speculation of mine would contribute to the process. Let me just say that I have full confidence in the current procedure of identifying the greatest enemy to all that is true and righteous, and I – I’m sure along with millions of others – will be paying close attention to this contest – which is still in its early stages – to see how it plays out.”
When asked to elaborate on what reporters described as ‘that somewhat cryptic answer’, God’s favorite son added, “beginning in Iowa on February 6 and ending in Tampa no later than the end of August 2012, my adversary’s identity will be revealed. As I’ve already said, any speculation of mine at this early date would be of no value, but one thing I can tell you is that I was probably as surprised as anybody when ‘The Donald’ withdrew his name from consideration.”
Later, asked to address widespread skepticism about the world having actually come to an end, the immaculately conceived teacher and philosopher referred to former Godfather’s Pizza CEO Herman Cain. “A black man stood in the middle of Atlanta at high noon, announced that he was running for President of the United States as a Republican, and walked away unscathed. Father and I really thought that would be enough of a hint. Our bad…”
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