Early U.S. History, According to Palin

[MineralMan]

Here's a brief outline of how it all happened, from the history-maker, herself. This was given to me by a well-informed source close to Palin, who said that it is her crib sheet for questions from the "gotcha" reporters.:

1. Pilgrims Land in America - These good Christians gave the Injuns Jesus, then killed them to make sure they went to Heaven. But, first, they got them to teach them how to cook Thanksgiving dinner properly.

2. Great American Preacher Writes - "Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God" was preached by Jonathan Edwards to tell Americans what would happen if they let the Muslins, athiests, and gays get control.

3. Benjamin Franklin Saves the Day - By putting a penny a day away for the Revolution, Ben Franklin funded the entire war against the English. He also flew a kite, invented electricity, and then started a big electric company to supply power to his chain of Postal Printing stores, where his almanack was published and started the Weather Service.

4. Thomas Jefferson Started Civil Rights Movement - By fathering a child with a slave woman, Jefferson showed that he wasn't racist at all and then he wrote the Declaration of Independence, which showed that God was on our side and guaranteed a gun for every American. He built a big house in Virginia, too, in a gated community.

5. George Washington Starts Capitalism - After cutting down a cherry tree, the Father of our Country had some new false teeth made from the wood, demonstrating that private initiative is all anyone needs to have good health care in the United States. He later became the first President of the United States. Pat Buchanan was his campaign chairman, and Ralph Reed wrote his speeches, which nobody understood because he forgot to put his custom-fitted cherrywood dentures in.

6. Martha Washington Designs Flag - While performing her proper wifely duties, she made a flag for George, using scraps from her scrap bag and stitching them together into pretty stripes and stars. The red part came from a British soldier's coat. The blue came from two pairs of worn-out Levi's that didn't fit George any more. The white part was made from her own wedding dress, which she re-purposed after reading Martha Stewart's seminal book on stitchery. "Isn't this nice, dear?" she is reported to have said to George. His response is unrecorded.

7. The Tea Party Fiasco - After sending out tons of invitations, the Founders' Wives' Club entrusted the tea for the afternoon party to a group of rowdy young lads, who stumbled and spilled it all into Boston Harbor. So, when the British Governor showed up for the party, there was no tea to serve. The Ladies served coffee, instead, along with cranberry scones, but the Governor said, "This really taxes my patience," and left abruptly, causing the Founders' Wives' Club to complain bitterly to their husbands that evening, driving them out of their homes and to a local tavern to discuss what had happened.

8. Paul Revere Starts Revolutionary War - On a break from his second world tour with "The Raiders," Paul Revere left his favorite tavern about 1:47 A.M, then rode a horse through town yelling at people to "Keep your powder dry if you hear two bells or I have a lantern when I come to church next Sunday." One sleeping man, annoyed at the uproar, fired his musket out the window, accidentally killing a British soldier, and that's how the Revolution started.

9. God Dictates U.S. Constitution - At a convention, without any wives in attendance, a bunch of the Founders were trying to figure out what to do next, when a loud booming voice came out of the ceiling. "Now hear this: Copy down what I say. This shall be a Constitution unto you." The rest is history. That is all.

[liberal N proud]

1. ROFL

[MineralMan]

2. Yah, That's her crib sheet, I understand. Don't ask me

how I got hold of it. I can't tell you.