Which is worse?

[CTyankee]

Falling hopelessly in love with your "soul mate" or sending racy photos to random women on the Internet?

This was my discussion with hubby last night. We were comparing Weiner with Mark Sanford and I found myself feeling kinder toward Sanford than I did when his affair was revealed. I guess I could understand falling in love with someone other than your spouse as being pitiful but somehow more comprehensible than Weiner's actions. Falling in love vs. sexual addiction.

Hubby thought both equally bad, even tho Weiner didn't actually "do the act." I agreed in the sense that both men brought bad things on their families and their supporters. But somehow -- to me at least -- falling in love connotes a deeper emotional connection to another human being...

It was an interesting discussion, but I feel conflicted here



:shrug:

[seabeyond]

1. weiner thing is creepier. player. selfabsorbed. both would be out the door

but i think sanford one i would look at the person more comfortably than the other.

i would not be seeing weiner with the same respect. kinda like clinton using monica for a blow with no interest in recipicating .... only self interest, using. without even paying.

[CTyankee]

3. At the time of the Sanford affair, I argued with a republican friend who

was forgiving of Sanford because he was a "man in love." At the time, I just saw the lies and the hurt he caused his wife and kids. Now I understand that people can fall out of love with someone and in love with someone else. I can understand the marriage becoming hollow and yet feeling unable to do anything about it because of your station in life, a la Stanford. It's harder for me to understand a newlywed person who loves his spouse doing what Weiner did. Can you be "in love" with someone and still have sexting with other people on the side?

[seabeyond]

4. i noticed recently how pumped he is, and he was not like that in the past.

a lot of effort, a lot of work and i think it was pure ego and probably no more than that for weiner. the thing about that is a very shaking foundation for a relationship because a person is dependent on ego to feed their worth. there has to be a continual disregard and validation/justification/excuses toward the mate that has to be effected how he sees her.

i think one of the things i have learned in marriage is having a good opinion of mate allows me to be satisfied in marriage, which allows it to be very easy. instead of work.

a poster said something once. some people get married with an eye in escaping like jail or mental hospital.

who wants to be committed to that.

[CTyankee]

5. As I grow older, I often see elderly couples (older than me and spouse)

out walking together holding hands or just being quietly "with" the other in a kind of reverent way. They are helpful and thoughtful to each other. Perhaps when passion ebbs a newfound reverence for the partner takes on a kind of sheen. The relationship ripens into something more...a calm, a beauty...it's hard to pin it down...

[seabeyond]

14. 17 yrs and we were older when married

i had a lot of years to decide what i wanted in life and direct life that way. i think, what i have found, that liking the person, who he is, makes all the difference. there is a comfort. always having his back. being there. trust. allows the other person to return acceptance.

i could easily be on my own. i have really never needed people to feel good or be happy. i could grow old alone. so it isnt a factor of having someone around, like others i know.

it is having someone around i like.

in my life, i need to respect a person. and personally i have high standards. that is just what i like around me. and has worked for me. i can accept others around me i dont respect, but there is a detachment and lack of trust. which is fine with me, too. but there is not going to be the connection or vulnerability or trust either.

i am just starting the getting old phase. so i am walking in clueless. but we have a good start

[Laura PourMeADrink]

11. Hey Seabeyond - got a question for you...

Do you know how all this came out? Was it because the first girl who got the pic went to the press? This second
women, who says she has hundreds of emails/texts from a couple years - wondering what made her flip? I mean
it sounded like, from what I read, that she liked him. Course, guess since she was involved in this
too - then she might be seeking exposure? Do you think this second one went to Breitbart?

[seabeyond]

13. laura, i was barely interested in this until yesterday afternoon. i am really not into politicians

sex life and really dont think it should be a factor. so from the start i stayed out of the threads. i dont know how it developed or much about the girls/women that were involved. i am merely pissed that he ahs lost his high ground we needed and appreciated so much, and validated bart whatever....

and i am interested in the whole is this cheating, boys will be boys, relationship part of it.

i picked up some that she was concerned someone goes thru weiner and she wanted to be out in front of that. thinking maybe stuff was two way exchanged.

dont think much of the women that play with a married man, that i dont think much of the married person that plays.

sorry

[Mass]

2. I agree with you.

There were reasons to condemn what Sandorf did, in particular if he used public fonds to see his lover, but he always seemed sincere in his affection for the woman.

Cases like Lee, Wiener, ... look more like stupid teen pranks that do not tell us a lot of good about the emotional stability of the men in question and those are the people we entrust with our government. How could they be so stupid they did not think they would be found. (I may not react the same way if I was any of these three men's wife, but I am not).

[madmom]

6. My problem with this is, Sanford was married, how did he get to

the point of knowing this other person to the point of "falling in love"? Doesn't that require at least a bit of intimacy? and by that I don't mean sex, but a bit of spending time together, getting to know one another, sharing parts of your life? This was out of line for a married person.

[CTyankee]

7. Well, I can understand it if his marriage had become loveless.

I seem to recall that the moment he met the future soul mate he said he was instantly attracted to her. You can be attracted to people other than your spouse in your marriage and NOT act on it if you are in a good marriage. If you are in a bad marriage and lonely, I can see why you'd be very willing to follow up with another person. Just my take on it, though...

[madmom]

8. BUT, even if you are in a bad marriage, you are still married...the ideal thing

would be to get out of the marriage first, then follow up. A marriage is a contract between two people and just because you change your mind doesn't negate the original contract. If you are that miserable get a divorce or at least a legal separation.

[CTyankee]

16. You are right but in Sanford's case there were high stakes at risk.

He had his political career and they had 4 or 5 kids, IIRC. And there was their religion which frowned upon divorce. So they may have felt they were boxed in. I got the feeling that she wasn't as unhappy as he was. He looked absolutely desolate in his press conference. Like he was in a daze.

Lots and lots of denial I think on both their parts.

Sad, isn't it...

[madmom]

18. It is really sad when you let others peoples beliefs, likes and dislikes rule your life.

[Bluerthanblue]

9. not sure there is a real answer to your question. I think it

is influenced by the perspective of each one of our life experiences/values.

I do think that the fact that both men initially lied in an attempt to hide their actions is the issue that causes real problems.

I understand falling out of love- I also understand doing stupid things. But I don't understand thinking that lying about private issues is going to do anything but add to the hurt. It's difficult to rebuild 'trust'. I felt the same way during the Lewinsky issue. It was the "I did not have realations..." that really disturbed me.

It's sad for everyone involved, and really none of "our" business imo- but being truthful is important, especially when it's difficult to voice.

[Laura PourMeADrink]

10. i actually looked up "Cyber Exhibitionism" last night - which

when you think about it, is what Weiner was doing. The electronic version of the trench coat flasher. Evidently, there's tons of activity out there and he is not alone.

Cyber Exhibitionism is a perfect new vehicle for the narcissist. It allows them to fulfill their obsessive need for adoration and acceptance without any of the trappings of a real live relationship. They don't even know the person they are exposing themselves to.

To me, this narcissistic need in Weiner was so strong it was uncontrollable. He risked it all to fulfill his need. His honor as
a U.S.congressman. His wife's reputation in her high-profile career. His family's good name. His Party's chances in winning
back the House. All of it. That says a lot about this guy.

[seabeyond]

15. that is how i see it.

interesting definition.

[Horse with no Name]

12. In all honesty I think that once you say your vows

that all "play"--whether cyber or real, should stop.

The difference is, although Weiner's is much more risque...his was a no-contact sport.

Sanford however, was full frontal contact.

If I were the spouse of either of these men--chances are I would be more inclined to give Weiner a chance than I would Sanford.

[CTyankee]

17. Oh, I agree. Sanford, tho, clearly didn't want to keep his marriage.

He kept on seeing the other woman and presumably having sex with her. I think both he and his longsuffering wife are better off divorced...

As for Weiner, I think he probably could be helped to see the reality of what he was actually doing. He was risking a lot in the way of his public credibility and his judgment. And if any of those women he was sending his photos/having phone sex with were underage...well, that's ugly...