Fraud Allegations Taint al-Zawahiri Victory

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SATIRE from http://thedesperateblogger.com/2011/06/fraud-allegations-taint-al-zawahiri-victory/

ABBOTABAD, PAKISTAN (DBI) – Ayman al-Zawahiri is drawing fire, but not from U.S. Navy SEALS.

Shortly after it was announced that the long-time al Qaeda ‘Number 2’ had been named the international terrorist organization’s new leader, accusations of tampering, voter fraud, and illegal campaign contributions put a damper on the planned celebration festivities, scheduled to include a spectacular fireworks display set-off by an ISI-supplied suicide ice-cream truck driving into a Pakistan Army ammunition depot.

Some of the more serious allegations came from Yemen, where supporters of Anwar al-Awlaki complained that hundreds, perhaps thousands, of absentee ballots were not counted, and accused Zawahiri supporters of trying to rig the election against their candidate because he was born, and until 2002 lived, in the United States. Said one Awlaki supporter, “There’s no room for anti-American prejudice in al Qaeda politics.”

According to election official Mustafa al Fiislamaj-Amah, who coincidentally once lived in Houston, Texas, the allegations regarding the absentee ballots are misguided.

“We did have a large number of absentee ballots, believed to have come from Yemen, that were declared invalid because they were not postmarked by the required date. In fact, most were not postmarked at all,” Fiislamaj-Amah told Fox News. “They should have thought of that before blowing up Sanaa’s (the Yemeni capital’s) main post office.”

He went on to add, “Personally, I think this is simply a case of ‘sour figs’ on the part of Awlaki’s supporters. I honestly don’t think counting those ballots would have changed the outcome. We need to be honest with ourselves – while people, myself included, like Anwar personally, and certainly appreciate his contributions to jihad, the simple truth of the matter is that al Qaeda is no more ready for an American leader than the American right wing is ready for a Black President.”

Dr. Zawahiri, who aides said was busy conducting his annual seminar at the Pakistan Military Academy near his Abbotabad vacation home, could not be reached for comment — but former U.S. President Jimmy Carter, who led the delegation from his Carter Center that monitored the election, said they saw no signs of tampering or fraud.

But while the allegations of voter fraud may have few or no teeth, charges of illegal campaign contributions still threaten to invalidate the election results, which could throw the entire terrorist community into even deeper chaos than that which has reigned since Osama bin Laden died while impersonating a Dick Cheney hunting partner on May 1st.

At issue is whether millions of dollars in campaign contributions from American defense contractors violated rules which specifically forbid ‘accepting financial assistance from infidel capitalist and/or imperialist tyrants’.

Al-Zawahiri campaign manager Eustace Haney, who earlier this year turned down a lucrative offer to run Newt Gingrich’s 2012 Presidential bid in favor of “working for someone with more scruples,” while not denying the existence of these contributions, claims his candidate acted appropriately.

“All in al Qaeda agree that ‘The Enemy of Our Enemy is Our Friend’ – and I think it’s reasonable to say that that adage applies here,” Mr. Haney told The Hooterville Free Press. “These companies and al Qaeda share a very important bond, namely that it is a primary and unshakable goal of both to suck the United States’ economy dry.”

June 16th, 2011 | Tags: al Qaeda, Dick Cheney, Hooterville, Jimmy Carter, Mr. Haney, Newt Gingrich, Osama bin Laden, Zawahiri. Awlaki | Category: Homeland Security, Middle East, Political Humor, Politics, Satire