I'm charged with writing an obit and Episcopal service for my alive Dad tonight.

[DemoTex]

But he ain't very alive. I'm the writer in the family, so I get stuck with this (like I did with Mom in 2008). I called my bros and sises tonight and told them, "Now or never." I cannot write an obit after he dies. They agree. I'll write; they will edit. I'm hopeful it will be complete before he dies (which could be tomorrow or two months from now; but probably in a few weeks).

I'll call the Episcopal vicar, and have her get to Dad's side (at home) STAT. She can get the special details for the service from him. He had mentioned special wishes to a sister of mine last week. My guess, knowing him, is: "Keep it short and sweet, and have that damned organist play that Mendelssohn/Bach piece I love - 'A Mighty Fortress Is Our God' - LOUD!. Damned loud! I'm deaf now from the WW-II canons, and I'll be deafer when I'm dead, but I want to hear that organ playing that tune!"

This is tough, my friends.

mac

[LiberalAndProud]

1. .

:hug:

no words

[redwitch]

10. Me too.

:hug:

[KT2000]

2. Really tough

but sharp of you to realize the pre is better.
Something tells me his humor will shine through whatever you write.
Peace to you at the difficult time.

[zonkers]

3. Hang in there, Demo.

[Dappleganger]

4. It's hard. I'm sorry.

When my mother passed away that was my last gift to her, an obit by her daughter. It wasn't very long but celebrated her greatest achievements, both her actions and the children/grandchildren she left behind. She was so good about leaving a notebook behind with all of her wishes about the memorial and cremation, so there was no doubt what she wanted. I still read through that from time to time for a little reassurance.

:hug:

[stevedeshazer]

5. I'm really sorry, buddy.

I did the same for both my parents and also delivered their eulogies at their graveside services. It is damned hard.

My family puts me in the same position as you. Now my bro has brain cancer and I'm thinking about it all over again.

I know you can do it, Mac, but I don't envy you as one who has been there recently.

I'm not a particularly religious man, but 'A Mighty Fortress Is Our God' is one of my favorites. Good choice, you can't go wrong with that one.

Sorry about your dad and hope he passes in peace.

Steve

[midnight]

6. Hugs and strength....

[CaliforniaPeggy]

7. Oh, my dear DemoTex...

:hug:

Safe passage to him...

Hugs for you as you take up this last responsibility for your Dad...

I am so very sorry, sweetie...

[LiberalFighter]

8. Dad died early last month and Mother just died this past Thursday.

We didn't write the obit. We had all the material that our dad had put together and provided it to the funeral director. Parents had their crypts selected for the cremains picked out a few years ago. They had most of the cost already paid for and the casket they wanted. We just had to make a few decisions such as container for the cremains that went into the crypt. Select the memorial card and sympathy card. And then off to the florist to pick out the floral arrangement.

Didn't do a eulogy and not for our mother either. I guess it's not something done. I'm glad cause I don't like to talk.

I was fine at the visitation for my dad. I had some of it out crying when I was there when he died. And I was fine at church until towards the end. I had a few days emotionally after I went back home when there were shows that dealt with death.

I had to come back to see my mother but she died before I got back. Been going through material to keep or throw away of my dad's. Had some close calls.

Don't know what will happen in the next two days with visitation and the funeral.

[TBF]

19. I am so sorry to hear your story as well,

to lose both within such a short time. Stay strong and know that others are thinking of you.

[calimary]

30. My condolences.

Wow - your parents both went within weeks of each other.

My mom lived about another seven years after my dad died. In both cases they were in serious decline and it was one of those things in which death came as a blessing and a release. Even so, even knowing that, even knowing there was no hope and no cure and it was only a matter of time, STILL wasn't easy.

Bless your heart. One foot in front of the other. One day at a time. You'll get through it. And yeah, it won't be easy. But you will. You sorta don't have a choice - and sometimes there's relief and peacefulness in that, too.

:hug: :patriot:

[roguevalley]

34. its a horror. my parents were ten months apart. I can only say as the

one who wrote both obits, just speak to the people who will read it from your heart. I told them that it won't get better, it will only get different. I told them that they were the light of my life. Tell them what they meant to you and you will do well. I am so sorry for your pain and I hug you tight.

[stevedeshazer]

32. Wow, that is tough.

Best wishes to you.

[madrchsod]

9. your dad must be a hell of a guy...

ya it`s tough to see them go....

[madmax]

11. Very sorry DemoTex

It's hard for the family - you're doing a great service for your Dad. He sounds like a special guy, he's taking his sense of humor with him.

:hug:

[SteveG]

12. Having lost both of my parents

I know what you are dealing with. If what you describe as what you think your Father's wish's for his funeral, do it. Respect his wishes.

Shortly before my son passed (he was fighting Leukemia) he knew he wasn't going to win his battle. He told me that at the reception after his funeral, "There will be Beer". We honored that, and there was Beer at the gathering after the Funeral.

Honor the wishes of those who are about to pass. They deserve to be respected for who and what they are and were.

[Skittles]

26. awwww

that was a fine son you had :cry:

[July]

13. I'm very sorry, DemoTex.

You face a difficult moment, made more difficult with the extra responsibilities of the planning and the eulogy.

It sounds as if you understand what your father wants. Trust your gut and ask your sibs for input -- there may be things they would say if they could, and that might help you shape your comments (I speak from sad experience as my family's go-to eulogist). It is very good of you to want to honor his wishes. It may seem obvious to want that, but sometimes family members' wishes come before those of the deceased, and I think it is wonderful that you are keeping his wishes foremost.

So very sorry. I will be keeping you and your father in my thoughts.

[ellie]

14. I wrote my dad's obituary

after he died. My brother edited it. It was hard.

[Ikonoklast]

15. You have a burden that we cannot carry for you.

But we can keep you, your father, and your family in our hearts.


I salute the service your father gave to our country.

[Rhiannon12866]

16. I am so very sorry.

I know how tough that is. I gave a eulogy for my Dad, something I never imagined I would do. But the priest came to the house and asked if anyone in the family wanted to speak at the service. When my grandmother (his mother) said that she did, I couldn't let her do it alone.

So I wrote from my heart, not so much what my father meant to me, but told a couple of things about him that not everybody knew, which expressed how I felt about him and let those who didn't know him like I did know him a little better. I also tried to share some of his humor.

It must have gone well, since I've been asked to do the same thing at every family funeral since. I still get choked up when I think about it, and this was 20 years ago. Don't be afraid to share some personal stuff and don't worry about what people think. Everyone will be understanding and rooting for you. Good luck with this. Speak from your heart and I know you'll do fine... :hug:

[jillan]

17. Sending you strength. As someone who has walked in those shoes, spend every last second you can

with him.

May he have a peaceful passing. :hug:

[BanzaiBonnie]

18. That makes it real. My condolences.

:hug:

[pinboy3niner]

20. I'm so sorry for what you're going through, Mac

You're facing the death of your father, and no matter how you shift it, it's a BFD.

Your problem is not writing the obit. Fuck that. Your problem is dealing with the death of your father. You've been to war, and you've had to deal with loss and grief before. But that doesn't necessarily make it any easier--and it often makes it harder.

I don't know what to tell you, Mac, except to say that I'm with you, brother.

[shimmergal]

21. What a tough task.

But it's one of the last opportunities you'll have to honor your father, so it's a privilege too. You'll do fine.

Just an advance heads-up. The standard Episcopal funeral rite is fairly heavy on the message about faith in Jesus being the way to eternal life. Both in the liturgy and the recommended hymns. I think it's meant to be comforting to the survivors, but it struck me as a bit too much of a "commercial" for the church.

If this message is OK with you, and/or your dad, that's fine. If not, I imagine most priests will be glad to alter the service by using selections & hymns of your, or his, own choice. I attended a funeral last weekend which was really, really well done, in fact beautiful. And I don't say this about many such services.. It was for a man who also was a WWII veteran, and then a state police officer, and three people who'd known him spoke, telling heart warming things about the deceased as they'd known him.

Hang in there! My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[QC]

22. Have you ever read the burial service from the 1928 BCP?

It's beautiful. Your priest can still use it for special services like this one.

Prayers ascending for your father, my friend.

On edit: 1928 burial service here --> http://justus.anglican.org/resources/bcp/1928/Burial.htm

[DemoTex]

27. Thanks

Great reference

[madamesilverspurs]

23. My thoughts are with you!

We moved the folks to Washington State after Dad's first stroke. They loved the new community, but Dad was not at all happy that the only Episcopal church in the area had a female priest. He groused and gritched and complained, and he was thrilled when she announced her retirement. Dad looked forward to the diocese sending an interim priest so that things could get "back to normal." You guessed it, they sent another woman. Long story short, by the time Dad realized that his time was short he asked that she be the one to perform Last Rites; he also insisted that she conduct his service. She conducted a lovely celebration, and each of us "kids" spoke about him. As for the obituary, I doubt that any of us could have done it; we were pleased that his pre-planning arrangements included that task.

Again, my thoughts are with you. The words will come.


-

[Skittles]

24. aw I'll say it

your dad sounds like a HOOT! How much are you like him, Mac? Wishing you the best. My dad was 50 when he died and 26 years later I still miss him.

[Solly Mack]

25. My thoughts are with you.

[Scottybeamer70]

28. (((((((DemoTex))))))))))

[nadinbrzezinski]

29. Hugs mac, it is never easy

[calimary]

31. Damn. My sympathies, DemoTex.

Heavens - so many of us have been through losses. My heart goes out to you. Many of us know how it is to be on "that" vigil. I went through it with both parents. GAWD that was awful. Even when you know it's coming. And even when you've had a long time to prepare for it.

Sometimes it's actually helpful to have projects, work you have to do, stuff you have to organize or direct. Helps to focus the mind, because all around you seems just overwhelming.

My sympathies. Posting here actually helped me a lot after my mom died. The love and concern and genuine affection really buoyed me up. Highly recommended during bad or sad times.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[applegrove]

33. So sorry. I know it must be very hard.