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Edited on Sat Apr-02-11 06:47 AM by Fly by night
This is my one and only attempt at cowboy poetry, written while I was in the "house" in honor of my muse, Jonell Mosser. (Google her for some fine white soul music.)
Jonell's girlfriend called it a "cowboy opera". Enjoy. -----
Let Her Be
Somewhere in the hills between Kerrville and Austin, the pastures were as brown as caramel frosting. But spring was soon coming, you could smell warm earth on the breeze, the end of the freeze. Down in the valley, Momma’s supper was cooking. It was an hour away and little Brother was looking for big Sister to come take a walk so they could have a moment, could just sit and talk. It was seldom quiet on the farm before supper, Brother still would be panting. He had Daddy's fields and Sis’s man's to get ready for planting. Working every day “can to can't”, Brother did all he could.
So when he called Sister and asked her, "Would you have a minute, my mind is a puzzle and I can't relax it. Can we walk to the ridge?”, Sister said that she could.
Momma was cooking and watching Sis’s kids, She knew Brother needed Sister as he sometimes did. Momma had always trusted those two. Before Sister had her own brood, she had mothered Brother too. And so Sis took the slow walk up to the bluff a climb that today wasn't as tough as the times she had buried two Daddies up there, her own and her babies'.
A stranger looking at them from the road would have seen a man mountain and a small pretty woman sitting together on the top of that bluff. And though he was much larger, the man would always be Little Brother to his small Big Sister, only three years older, but his other mother. With her, he was always gentle. With him, she was never too tough.
So they settled in among the mesquite and cedar, the old cherry tree with the kids' homemade bird feeder, two gravestones and two old tree swings, their place when he needed her. To help puzzle out something so much bigger than his own broad shoulders and deep heart could figure -- a crossroads again, and again she was his compass.
For others, small talk would have filled up the spaces. But not Brother and Sister, you could tell from their faces. They were ready and open, their time here was precious.
For these two siblings and friends, this ground had always been holy. Sunrises, sunsets they had shared, sister and brother, never wholly alone, they could count on each other.
After a few quiet moments to remember their history, Brother said to Sister, "I need you to help me because, for me, it's a mystery. You need to tell me, Sister, help me figure the score, because I'm falling in love with a woman who's been loved before. "And that other love, it still hasn't cooled yet. Though there was nothing warm left, just overheated regret. So she packed up and left him, left their farm, that he won. With a truck bed full of boxes and a front seat full of sons. Now she's starting all over, she just needs to be free. That's the hardest part, Sis, wanting what's best for her and yet wanting her for me.
"Her parents named her well, that woman is a Joy. She’s sweet and she’s pretty and she really loves those boys. I can't help but see her, this town is so small. She goes to our church. I coach her sons to play ball. And when I'm around her, she smiles like the sun. Her boys even like me, Sis, they're all so much fun.
"I know that there's plenty more that she has to give. I know that she's young, has a long time to live. I can't help myself, I keep thinking about us. But I know she's been hurt, that her heart wears a callous from working so hard to save a marriage she thought was forever, 'til death finally did do its part to sever the Lord's bonds, those bonds that she lived by. When I think of her pain, I can understand why she needs time to think, she needs time to settle. Despite how I feel, this is no time to meddle in that woman's life as she's beginning to live it. But if I let her go now, Sis, will I live to regret it?
“Her friends all ask questions, wonder what I want for us two. Hell, I don't blame them at all – most times, I wonder too. Over the months, we’ve slowly warmed to each other, she has hugged me and kissed me and said that she missed me. And though we've done this only a few times, for me, now, there is no other.
“But I know her history, I know of her pain, and while I'm growing to love her, I see nothing to gain from hurting her more or hurting me too. So tell me, Sis, just what should I do?"
"Brother, I've heard you out, I've heard you so far. Your heart's in the right place, that's the man that you are. Take it easy a minute, let's think this thing through. If Joy's really someone special, here's what you should do:
“Let her be. Let her be. I know you don't want to but she needs to be free. Her burdens have lifted, her heart's ground has shifted. It's her and her boys now with whom this town's been gifted. But she's come out here among us now to find space to breathe. So just let her be.
“Your feelings for Joy are hardly a secret. We've all seen your smiles for each other, they just won't quit. Momma especially is happy for you. She told me last night that you're long overdue to find you a woman that you could adore like Daddy loved her right up to heaven's door. Though he left us too soon, Momma loves Daddy more. Momma loves Daddy still. And she always will.
“And speaking for me, I want you to find a woman who'll love you, who'll live with and for you, who'll trust and adore you, who'll let your heart fill up with her to the brim. If she's your her, I hope you're her him.
“But what Joy needs is a friend, a man she can trust. True friends are less common than lovers, or lust. At this moment, a real friend might just help her see. If you want to be that friend, just let her be.
“No one can know what the future will bring. Her future used to include that old boy who gave her a ring. He's just taken that back, so it makes sense to me that her life isn’t on track. Right now, her new future is slowly unfolding. She's given him up, but she still is holding twelve years of her history, the sweetness and the noise. And she can't help but think of it when she looks at her boys. She may be single now, but her life's not her own. She's got two of God's gifts, so she's never alone. From this point on, there'll always be three. So for now, let them be.
“Let her be, let her be. To learn what she wants and to find what she needs. You can help her the best now, I hope you can see, if you can be kind enough to just let her be.
“Her marriage looks over. To me, it seems so. But I'm sorry for her ex too, for letting her go. Her ex old boy can't be all bad 'cause she loved him so long, and gave him two sons, bright, gentle and strong. And if that old boy should wake up, finally come to his senses and do all that he could to mend all of her fences, if they got back together, would you be happy for her, for them? Really? If you don't know the answer, Brother, let her be.
“A woman like Joy faces all kinds of choices. While your life's been quiet, she still hears the voices of her past and her present and maybe her future. With all the noise in her life, her footing's still insecure. Could you offer her a steadying hand and yet still let her go? For both of your sakes, I really hope so.
“To return to her husband or to leave him behind. To keep moving along or to make our town her stake. To find, at last, her true love or to make her next big mistake. Don't think that it's easy for her to decide just what she should do.
“She's got so much to figure out, to understand, to calm her fears. It could take her months, it could even take her years. Whatever it takes, it'll take more than a minute. You've got to decide just how long your heart's in it. Give her time, help her out, don't hold her back. Just let her be.
“You've waited so long to find more than a friend, but the tornado she survived still feels like a whirlwind. If you care about her and understand all she's been through, you've got to decide what's best for her and her kids before you. Those paths still aren't clear, so your thinking's not through.
“They say that whatever will be, will be. It's hard to argue with that, to say it's not true. But whatever might be, well it might not be too. As hard as it might seem, her future might not include you.
“Let her be, let her be. Let her be free, free to see where she's been and where she really wants to be. With or without you, give her time, let her be.
“Besides, this whole world could be Joy's oyster, the world could be at her feet. There are plenty of pearls, you just might not compete. To be truthful, if you had to be something you're not, I don't think you'd be. “But don't forget that this isn't an island we live on. The whole town has seen her. Lots of good old boys (and a few good old girls) are dying to meet her. There's plenty of bulls and banty roosters in this small town barnyard. If she's needy for a good old whatever, she won't have to look hard.
“But if that should happen, if she needs some release for a few sweaty minutes so her urges will cease, so she can remember she's a woman, if just for a minute, when you said that you want her, is that what you meant?
“Brother, you don't have to answer. I know you too well. You'd rather do without than answer any woman's bell for an eight second or even an eight minute ride. If that's all she wants, you'd rather step to the side. But if that's what she needs now, could you just let her be?
“Let her be, let her be, to be with someone else now if she feels that she needs it. Her body's her own now, she finally controls it. Could you let her relax now, would you still be there for her? If she was one of your men friends, would you even applaud her? The questions are simple but the answers are sticky. So if you care for her now, let her be.
“And then there's you, your friends Zach and Daniel and their older brother Ben. Around here all the hens call you four "the men". And the women do too. That's quite the compliment, Brother, I'm proud of you. “Of course, once there were five. Back when my man was alive ...."
And they sat there a moment, surrounded by silence. Sister breathing steady, tears welling up from her core, because they sat beside the grave of her only man, a man lost to them all in that senseless little war. Her babies' Daddy was gone, her only lover gone too. What would she do without him? She still hadn't a clue. But this evening wasn't about her, it was for Brother. Someone else falling in love, wanting to give to another everything of himself that was already good, to make himself better in all ways that he could. Just like those precious moments in her memory still, before her man moved, forever, to this high Texas hill.
Sister finally spoke up again, never losing her place, saying " What if your Joy found another new face to draw her in, someone else who cared for her too, who could love her like you? She might meet someone who means more than you mean. Who you are, what she needs, could be two different things. What if Daniel comes to care for her, or she falls in love with Ben? Would you think less of her then or less of your friends? Or would you be happy for them, and let them both see? If you don't know the answer, let her be.
“But then again, on the other hand, Brother, Joy’s pain may be so strong that she’ll never again allow another old boy or a man or even a woman deep inside her. It might take her your lifetime to put these things behind her. But she might make room for a friend, someone to stand beside her, a few good men and women to stay close and guide her may be all that is left for this woman to share. Think about it, Brother, I know that you care. If you could be satisfied now to be Joy’s friend if that’s all you could be, then just let her be.”
Then Brother spoke up. "Sis, why have you stayed alone? I know you've had many more than just a few chances. I see how the old boys look at you at the dances. Why haven't you found an old boy yet to fill up your home?"
"Why would I need an old boy when I've loved a man? All I need is his memory and the touch of my hand. It may not sound like much but it sure as hell will do, since my man can't be here too.
“Besides, why would I want the barnyard dragged through my bedroom? The roosters leave droppings, a bull or a hog would leave quite a smell from which I might not recover. If I want me a pet, I'll get me a dog. “I know there’s lots of differences between old boys and men. One’s life is real, the other’s pretend. One kind grows up, the other just ages. One’s life’s a book, the other’s blank pages. One does the work, the other is lazy. One is clear-headed, the other's is hazy. One is so thankful for every little thing he has tasted. The other only wants more, he just wants to get wasted. A man takes his time, an old boy’s just hasted and frazzled and futile and fickle and harried. While one plays around, the other gets married.
“This list could go on, it’d take a while to get through. But women know the difference, and hens they do too. But hens could care less, they make do with their roosters. While women love men, they’re men’s biggest boosters. Don’t worry, Brother, Joy can tell the difference. Her life has educated her own point of view. She’s had her old boy, now she might just want you.
“As a woman, I’ve been lucky to be surrounded by men -- my Daddy, my lover, my Brother, his friends. I wouldn't trade any of that for a circus, no matter how thrilling, no matter the purpose. “Besides, my three kids adore their Uncle Brother. You've helped me so much, though maybe you'd druther have had a brood of your own, but you've never shown it. You're the king of my kids' world. In their hearts, you own it.
“Around here, you're respected by all the cows and the hens, the girls and the women, the boys and the men. You've been one of the three best men in my life, but now you're all I have left. I want to hold you so tight. So what if another woman should ever enter our picture? What would that do to my home and to Momma's? Would you have time for us or would we just be fixtures?”
“Big Sister, if I learned anything watching you and your loving man before we all lost him, I've seen how much love grows for them who love deeply and for those who love well. So Sister, don't worry, you’ll always be able to tell where my heart is for you, for Momma and for your kids. It will only get bigger, it won't ever get hid away and hoarded. That's not how love is, it's not locked up and boarded.
“Well, Sis, I've heard you out and your good sense doesn’t change. Joy's now in my heart and, in some way, there she'll remain. Whatever comes next, I don't have to see. I can just let her be.”
“Brother, I know it's not easy, this thing that I'm asking. To care for a woman, yet go around masking your feelings for her, at least for a while, to be satisfied just with an occasional smile. But because deep down I know the man that is you, I expect that you agree with me on the things you must do. First think of her needs, then her sons’ and then you. If you really care for her now, I think you'll agree. Right here, right now, I know you’re man enough to just let her be.” There was more they could say, but they'd said quite enough. So they sat for a minute, remembering the sweet and the rough of all that this life brings. And that of all this world's magic, love was the most wondrous of things.
Just then, Momma called them and brought them back round to the farm's peaceful evening, the sunset on the hills, the barn-swallows and nighthawks filling the fields. "You two come on down if you're finished, supper's just about ready. And Brother, fix the dining room table, please make it steady for our guests of the evening -- Joy and her two boys. I've been wanting to visit with her and to find out why my boy’s heart has been (lately) so pleasantly drumming. So hurry down now, I see her pickup truck coming.”
So Brother left Sister and headed back to the house, while Sister bent down and kissed her man's tombstone with her mouth. Framed by the mesquite and cedar and the old cherry tree, she called after Brother softly, "Now repeat after me – ‘just let her be’."
As Brother reached the house, Joy’s little boys jumped from their pickup truck, they were laughing and pumped to play with Sis’s kids, to cram more fun in this latest adventure. They were at Brother’s home. They were happy to be here. Brother opened the door on Joy’s side of the truck, smiled at her and said, “Well, you folks are in luck. Momma’s killed a banty rooster, we’re having fried chicken. And around here, we don’t ever frown on finger lickin’. “
And Brother embraced her, sweet and strong, but just for an instant. This day was filled with Joy. There was no room for regret. “Now come on inside, Momma’s been waiting to greet you. She’s said many times that she’s been living to meet you.” “Don’t you mean ‘dying’?”, Joy said, a puzzled look in her eyes. “No, around here, we know life is filled with sweet surprises if we can just be still enough to see them. If we can just let life be.”
Up on the ridge, Sister would have been proud to hear Brother’s words if she had heard them out loud. But her heart was elsewhere, her love was laying a moment beside her man, whose body was staying on her ridge-top forever, here with her Daddy. She had to stop and be thankful for who’s left among the living and the one who went on before his time, though he never stopped giving to her all his love. It would last through the ages. His love had written a good book that had never-ending pages. After Sister walked back slowly to Momma's house alone, the hillside got quiet but since it was now forever home to Brother and Sister’s Daddy and to Sis's loving man, those two spirits smiled and thought with each other, as only spirits can.
Daddy thought first: "Boy, my kids sure do me proud. I don't think I could have steered Brother better if I could still speak aloud. Sister speaks from her heart, as only your woman can. And, boy howdy, how that little Brother has become quite the man." Then Sis's man thought: "You're right, of course, you and your woman, you raised them quite well. If this family could bottle its love, we'd have plenty to sell. And as for your daughter, I will always thank the Lord for letting me be her one and only man. I'm so pleased she can still feel my love in her heart, with her hands." Daddy thought: "I'm tempted to whisper to Momma so she'll know just how all this ends. The Lord surely knows what's right, and he'll do it again for little Brother and also for this woman Joy. And I'm really pleased with what He has in store for her boys.
“But since all their bodies are still above ground, let's not spoil the surprise. They don’t know the future, they can’t see with our eyes. But just as Sister said, and from where we are, we agree. It's best to trust in the Lord and to just let 'er be.
“Life has a way of sifting the real from the pretend, the chaff from the wheat, the boys from the men. It's not the destination that matters, it is always the journey. If we all do the next right thing and the world just keeps turning, it will always turn out like it's 'sposed to in the end, that they're learning. And while you and I wait for them here by heaven's door, we can thank the Lord again, as we've thanked Him before, for letting them -- for letting all of us -- be.”
Somewhere in the hills between Kerrville and Austin, the pastures are still brown as caramel frosting. But spring is once again coming, Mother Earth on the breeze, Her love ending the freeze. Let Her Be.
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