FBI Director Sheepishly Admits Agency Hasn't Solved Single Crime In 10 Years

[joeybee12]

WASHINGTON—In response to a probe into the bureau's operational costs, FBI director Robert Mueller timidly told Congress Wednesday that the organization he oversees has not technically solved any crimes since 2001.

After confirming that the FBI does indeed have more than 13,000 special agents deployed to investigate cases all across the country, Mueller stressed that the bureau's internal process was "complicated," and that the fact that not one case file has been closed in the past decade is not unexpected.

According to records, the last case the FBI officially solved was a Topeka, KS mail fraud offense in February 2001.

"It's hard to explain to a layman precisely how our operations work, but it's really more about analyzing crimes than it is about actually, you know, arresting perpetrators and convicting them," a fidgeting Mueller said. "It's a process, is what I'm trying to say. It isn't always so simple as 'solved' and 'unsolved.' That's been especially true this decade, I think."

http://www.theonion.com/articles/fbi-director-sheepishly-admits-agency-hasnt-solved,19906/

[cliffordu]

1. File this under "How to lose your funding in one afternoon"

:rofl:

[RUMMYisFROSTED]

2. Or "Onion."

[cliffordu]

6. OOPSY!!!!!

:rofl:

Generally I at least READ THE FUCKING LINK before commenting......

but I wouldn't doubt that if he DID testify, it might be close to the truth......

[joeybee12]

14. Actually, for this article, the Onion just posted an AP story...

VERY close to the truth on thsi one.

[elias49]

3. This would be laughable if it wasn't so pathetic.

Maybe if the FBI spent less time 'infiltrating' the ranks of those who have differences with the way out government operates, they could solve a crime. Like all the white-collar shit that's tearing this country down. I'm pretty sure white collar crime is generally within the purview of FBI.

[msanthrope]

5. Did you hear the sound of the 'whoosh' over your head??? n/t

[elias49]

18. ??? What are you talking about?

[elias49]

19. OMG that was a big 'whoosh'

:blush: :blush: :blush:

[msanthrope]

24. We've all been there....no shame.....n/t

[jberryhill]

8. Most white collar crime is within the purview of SEC, FTC and Treasury

The FBI generates investigational work product that is used by a lot of other law enforcement agencies. I don't know if Muller made that clear in the rest of his remarks.

[elias49]

17. I don't know...this from Wikipedia...

The top FBI priorities:


Protect the United States from terrorist attack (see counter-terrorism);
Protect the United States against foreign intelligence operations and espionage (see counter-intelligence);
Protect the United States against cyber-based attacks and high-technology crimes (see cyber-warfare);
Combat public corruption at all levels;
Protect civil rights;
Combat transnational/national criminal organizations and enterprises (see organized crime);
Combat major white-collar crime;
Combat significant violent crime;
Support federal, state, local and international partners;
Upgrade technology for successful performance of the FBI's mission.

[Scuba]

10. Bingo. But Eric has them busting state-approved medical marijuana growers. n/t

[IScreamSundays]

4. ah....

It's the onion people.

[Pacifist Patriot]

7. LOL! I've got them on Twitter.

I can't get through the day without a couple of their stories coming to my phone.

[xchrom]

9. that's hysterical! nt

[Wounded Bear]

But ratings are up on FBI based TV crime dramas....

:rofl:

[LiberalAndProud]

11. He doesn't classify Dennis Rader as solved crimes?

Rader was arrested in 2005.

[sufrommich]

12. It's satire from The Onion. nt

[Wounded Bear]

13. You've been had.....Onion alert......nt

[LiberalAndProud]

16. ah geez. I need another cup of coffee.

[elias49]

20. Hmmm. Me too.

:toast:

[ensho]

15. Robert isn't 'timid' he was pretending

there is more to this then meets the eye

[Democracyinkind]

23. Indeed. Deeper layers in that Onion. nt

[Beam Me Up]

21. Federal Bureau of Obfuscation

Their real job is to obscure and clean up the messes left in the wake of other federal alphabet agencies domestic crimes. ANTHRAX anyone?

[Grey]

22. It's really sad, how easy this is to believe.

When you have to check the web link......

[upi402]

25. Ya cuz they don't get to squeeze the junk of innocent Americans!

Sheez! Jerking off to our phone calls and emails only gets ya so far. Super serious.