Girls - Democratic Underground

H2O Man

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Tue Apr-19-11 02:34 PM
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Girls

The day after my first daughter was born, my supervisor at work asked me, “Well, what do you think?” She had known me since, as a single father, I had juggled work and raising two young sons. Life for both the boys and I had changed in the past year. The birth of a daughter, I told her, meant that I had to re-evaluate all of my previously-held assumptions and beliefs about the female gender.

Fast-forward seventeen years. I now have two teenaged daughters, plus a foreign exchange student living with us. Last night,upon our return from a track meet, our F.E.S.'s prom dress had arrived special delivery. Within seconds, or so it seemed, my wife and the three girls were busy with fittings, hair styles, and evaluating various shades of make-up. Thus, not only was my ability to concentrate on the evening news compromised – willingly – as I made suggestions which were ignored. Being “color-blind,” among other things, results in no self-respecting resident of our home takes my opinions of fashion seriously.

More, it got me thinking about how quickly my daughters have gotten older, and the world that they are growing up in. The pace of change often amazes me; for example, the shy, sometimes homesick student from France who moved in with us in December now asks me if, should she decide she would prefer to live in the USA, she could consider our house her home? And, just as happened with my sons, I see my daughters rapidly transitioning from my “little girls” into quasi-independent youths. Adulthood is really not that far into some distant future.

I was not totally unfamiliar with the raising of girls: I grew up with two sisters; and both of my brothers have daughters, and over the years, they had spent considerable time here. Yet, every person is unique. I remember when my normal brother visited from the west coast eight years ago; he noted that my younger daughter was the first five year old he ever met who had mastered the art of sarcasm. It's a skill that she continues to hone.

My wife and I have always put emphasis on the value of a good education, and both daughters have been consistent “A+” students. The school offered us the option of having our older daughter “skip” grades. We decided against it, in part because of the experiences of one of my brother's daughters who did this. (I skipped school a lot, though in a very different context.) My niece has done well for herself, including teaching at Syracuse University for part of the time she lived with or near us, but she told me that in terms of her relationships with members of her high school peer group, she wishes she had remained in her original class.

Peer groups, as all parents know, are a funny thing. Peer group dynamics frequently reach into the home environment. Our home, for example, appears to be one of two “homes-away-from-home” for numerous friends of our daughters. That can make for some interesting situations. Last summer our youngest daughter had a dozen friends here for a sleep-over birthday party. As if thirteen 13 year old girls wasn't enough, one of my sons brought to my attention that a group of neighborhood boys were hanging around the edge of our property. I was unaware of that many boys inhabiting this very rural area.

He noted that a couple of these boys were pushing the girls, and asked if I wanted him to “get rid of them?” I said no, that better yet, we would conduct an experiment. Social interactions outside of school at that age frequently begin with horseplay, such as the pushing he saw. Perhaps he had forgotten being that age, so I assured him that if he and I simple went out and sat on our porch, two things would happen. First, as soon as the kids noticed us, the boys would increase the physical space between them and the girls; second, they would fidget and grow uncomfortable. Sure enough, within four minutes of our being seated on the porch, the kids were divided into two distinct groups – one male and one female – and one kid said, loud enough for us to hear, “Uh, this is uncomfortable.”

Both of our daughters tell my wife and I that we are their friends' “favorite” parents. More than a few call us “Mom and Dad.” Both daughters tell me that their friends, and their friends' parents, all like me because I am very supportive of them in school activities, including sports. Just as I did with my boys and their pals, I attend as many sporting events as possible. I can honestly say that there is not a single youngster on any of these teams that I have not made the effort to praise for something positive that they have done in soccer, basketball, track, etc. And I make a point of complimenting them when talking to their parents.

Most of the school's athletic coaches recognize that this is helpful to their teams, and I enjoy the opportunity to assist them in, both in “practice” and sometimes as a fill-in when a coach can't attend practice or a game. My younger daughter has, at times, been uncomfortable having me fill in as the coach. I find that curious, because she will often look to me when I am a mere spectator, for one of the “hand signals” that we've come up with. Like many girls their ages, both daughters would prefer that their mother not yell so loud from the bleachers. Because my wife has a tendency to be loud, our younger daughter prefers that she not attend the games in the current AAU basketball season.

With all three girls currently out for track; the older two playing with the younger one's AAU team during practice, to improve their level of play; and all three currently having me teach them (and a couple of friends) to box, it is a busy time. One afternoon/evening last week, for example, they had track practice after school, followed by basketball, then a trip to an area gym to train with two retired professional fighters that I've known for thirty years.

This weekend, my youngest daughter and I had to leave the house at 5 am both days, for an “all day” AAU basketball tournament in a distant city. As there were 60 teams there, games started at 8 am. The final games on Saturday began at 10 pm. By Sunday afternoon, I realized that I was witnessing yet another “peer experiment,” as the teams of 13-year old girls were tired, sore, and in what might be called a less than delightful mood. What made things far more uncomfortable, however, was the acting out of several rather toxic parents with large senses of entitlement.

My daughter and I had been accompanied by a senior in high school, who was assisting with coaching. At one point, outside of my view, a father of one of the girls on the opposing team lost control of himself, and began curing at a high school girl. When she pointed that out to him, he invaded her personal space, and began wagging his finger in her face. This was brought to my attention, and as I approached this fellow, he hurried away.

Girls JV basketball has surpassed football as the high school sport that results in the most injuries each year in America. No sane person wants to see any student – male or female – hurt in any school sporting event. As a parent, I hope that the referees keep control of sporting contests in such a way as to reduce the possibility of injury. Yet, at the same time, I recognize that girls basketball is a physical sport. The ideal of good sportsmanship is too often damaged by obnoxious parents. This season alone, I've seen parents kicked out of basketball games, including one mother in handcuffs. She refused to leave, until police escorted her out. Last year, at a wrestling tournament held in a community our school competes with, it required state police, sheriff's deputies, and local police to break-up a brawl in the school's parking lot. Students, parents, and even one coach were arrested.

I had no intentions of getting into a fight with the jackass that was harassing the young lady on Sunday. I did want to point out that not only was his behavior unacceptable – what a foolish example to set for his daughter – but that this very high school senior is an outstanding role model for younger kids. She is my younger daughter's “hero,” so to speak, and I think highly of her. I've been helping her with preparing for college, in applying for various scholarships (I also write a heck of a letter of recommendation), and career-planning. She calls my wife and I “the parents that every kid should have.”

I suppose not every parent is up to the task of helping their children navigate life. Being a parent has always held challenges,and no parent id perfect. We are, after all, human beings, and parenting can be difficult at times. But I do think that this is an especially difficult time to be young. It's a tougher time, in many ways, to be a young person than when I grew up. That holds true for boys and girls.

I was happy last night, when the girls and my wife were having fun with the prom dress. I didn't attend those types of events, and really know very little about them. I was way too busy boxing at that age. So I got a kick out of it when I found that, among various other things, the girls had a couple of my Title/Everlast catalogs out on the table last night. Besides doing their homework, they had made a list of boxing equipment that they want, including a few of the t-shirts. Now, that may be the only area where even I have some fashion sense!