Study: Current GOP Base Closely Resembles Nation’s Forefathers

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Thu Apr-21-11 11:16 PM
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Study: Current GOP Base Closely Resembles Nation’s Forefathers

By DB, on April 21st, 2011

A recent study conducted by a blue-ribbon panel comprised of the country’s top historians, sociologists, anthropologists, psychologists, numismatists, philatelists, clergy, astrologers, and pole-dancers has concluded that, as a group, those Americans who currently identify themselves as ‘Conservative Republican’ resemble the country’s forefathers more closely than any other group in many generations.

“As the subjects of our study often compare themselves to the ‘Founding Fathers’, it is important that we understand the distinction between the term ‘forefathers’ and their own, self-chosen label,” cautioned Robert Furman, who chaired the panel’s philatelist committee. The ‘Founding Fathers’ were those we regard as the leaders of our Revolution who formed the system of government that has survived to this day, in no small part because they were products of what today is referred to as the ‘Age of Reason’ or ‘Age of Enlightenment’ – a period during the mid to late eighteenth century where thought and reason, for the first time in human history, often prevailed over blind faith in accepted ancient rituals and superstitions. The nation’s ‘forefathers’ preceded them by over 100 years. They’re the ones who wound up here because they were so fanatical about their religious beliefs that the English and Europeans set them adrift at sea… And by the way, did you know that Benjamin Franklin was our first Postmaster General?”

Mr. Furman’s conclusions were expounded upon by renowned sociologist Anthony Vita, a panel member and author of the new book, ‘Batshit Crazy: Race, Religion, and Their Places of Honor in Contemporary American Politics’, who explained, “The Founding Fathers were the ones who recognized the importance of maintaining separation of Church and State not so much to keep the government out of people’s religion, but more so to keep any one church from controlling the government – a fate suffered by those who had earlier come to our shores rather than face persecution in their native lands. They gave us our Declaration of Independence and Constitution. Our forefathers, on the other hand, are the ones who came earlier and gave us witch burnings and Indian massacres.”

“Some of the data we collected caught us by surprise,” added Juniper Toomey, the Pueblo State University Professor who chaired the panel’s history committee. “For example, since President Obama was elected, the movie ‘Mandingo’ is the second most rented documentary video in Bible-Belt states, trailing only ‘Rev. Terry Jones’ Koran Blaze-a-Thon’ and beating out the likes of ‘Wrestlemania’, ‘The History of NASCAR’, and even ‘The Life and Times of Dale Earnhardt’. This is significant as this region is the only one in the country that has remained a solid Republican stronghold since the passage of the 1964 Civil Rights Act and the 1965 Voting Rights Act.”

The panel’s report, released yesterday in paperback with an HBO-produced miniseries slated to air on the REELZ network this Fall, suggests that based on current trends, during the 2012 election cycle we can expect to see increased support among Republican candidates for public book-burnings and increased calls-to-arms to “Take back our county, slaves and all”, the latter being the cornerstone of the GOP’s much anticipated Jobs Program.

April 21st, 2011 | Tags: blican, Election 2012, Founding Fathers, G.O.P., Tea Party | Category: Politics, Satire