Boehner Proposes Human-Backed Currency

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Tue Apr-26-11 09:14 PM
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Boehner Proposes Human-Backed Currency

Arguing that the impending Congressional battle over the national debt ceiling underscores the need for U.S. currency to be backed by tangible assets, House Speaker John Boehner introduced legislation today that would tie the value of the dollar not to gold or silver, as was done in the past, but rather directly to the people of the United States.

“I have always maintained that our greatest national resource – our treasure if you will – is the American people themselves. And unlike many of my opponents, I truly believe that – I don’t just say it to kiss-up to the voters,” he told a group of disinterested reporters. “How better to ensure the ongoing value of the dollar than to back it with our most valuable and uniquely American asset?”

When pressed about the possible repercussions of granting America’s creditors, or for that matter any holder of U.S. currency, the right to exchange their dollars for American citizens, the enthusiastic Speaker responded, “That’s the beauty of the whole plan! China, by far our biggest creditor, is already overpopulated. They’ll hold the paper forever and never redeem it. It’s kind of like what the mint and post office do with commemorative and collectible coins and stamps – a large percentage will just sit in a drawer somewhere and never circulate. It’s pure profit.”

When asked what inspired such a unique plan for currency valuation, the Bronze Clod explained:

I had just finished reading an essay espousing a return to the gold standard when I realizedI needed to relieve myself. On my way down the hall to the ‘Little Speaker’s’ room, I was thinking about how, if we don’t raise the debt ceiling and default on our debt, the value of the dollar, currently being based solely on people’s confidence that the U.S. government will always meet its obligations, would go down so far that all it would be good for is – well, let’s just say that the last time Ben Franklin saw that many naked butts was when he was in Paris… But anyway, there I was contemplating this problem while trying not to look left, right or down, and right there in front of me, the good Lord put two words that have long been associated with relieving the people of their burdens – ‘American Standard’. That’s when it hit me. After all, even gold can’t measure up to the value of the American people.

But for all Mr. Boehner’s apparent optimism, the bill is expected to face challenges from both sides of the aisle.

The first hurdle, as has been the case with every piece of meaningful legislation in recent memory, will involve either placating or overcoming opponents of abortion. The Pro-Life Caucus, as are many economists, is split when it comes to monetizing human beings. While some argue that such a system would encourage more abortions, as those bearing children would fear accusations that they are devaluing the currency by expanding the population base, others contend that an increased birth rate would be necessary in order for the economy to expand.

Other, perhaps fierce opposition, is expected from within Speaker Boehner’s own Republican party, where many fear a backlash from their most fervent financial supporters. Their view was perhaps best expressed by Arizona Senator Jon Kyl, who experts recently concluded Will Rogers could not possibly have met, who commented, “Pretending that all people are of equal value flies in the face of everything our party stands for and has labored so tirelessly for so long to implement.”

April 26th, 2011 | Tags: budget, debt ceiling, deficit, Economy, John Boehner, Jon Kyl, national debt | Category: Economy, Humor, Political Humor, Satire