What would you do? (Former friend who's gone full GQP)

[groundloop]

I have a "friend" who I've stayed in contact with since college. I used to have a ton of respect for him in terms of being a sympathetic, caring human being. He was the one who always insisted on stopping the car to help a turtle get across the road so it wouldn't get run over, handing over a couple of dollars to someone in the checkout line in a grocery store who didn't have enough in their wallet to pay the bill, etc. He left his job and family behind for three months to be with his mom while she was dying of cancer.

Now I've been seeing a string of posts from him repeating sickening right wing lies about President Biden - living in semi-rural Texas for all these years has finally rotted his brain.

I'm torn between simply deleting him from my contacts and quietly moving on, or going ballistic and sending him a message laying out why I can no longer tolerate the bullshit.

[OLDMDDEM]

1. Hmmm

I think I would let him know you don't tolerate the bs.

[Drunken Irishman]

2. I would just delete him. No point in arguing.

If he ever reaches out and asks why, just tell him what you said here but that life is too short for you to have to put up with his political toxicity.

[PatSeg]

8. It is hard to know what another person should do

but I have quietly deleted a few friends over the years. I don't know how long it took them to realize I'd done it, but I just couldn't condone some of their posts that I perceived as racist.

[Floyd R. Turbo]

3. Drop him like a bad habit!

[hlthe2b]

4. Two schools of thought: 1. cut your losses and just forget him; 2. lay out EXACTLY what you've said

here and give them one opportunity to respond (though I might ask them to wait a week before doing so). If it is still a kneejerk defensive and thought-free obnoxious response, I'd step away for the indefinite future--whatever that might mean in terms of how you communicate.

[Elessar Zappa]

5. I'd send him a message and then delete him.

Life is too short to put up with right wing bullshit.

[LakeArenal]

11. That's seems cowardly. Yell at them and run away.

Tell them how awful they are and turn tail.

I think not delete just never respond. You can delete without reading.

[Elessar Zappa]

15. No, I would wait to see if they respond.

If not, then delete. Sorry, I wasn’t clear.

[dclarston13]

6. I have been in a similar position recently

After meeting a friend that I have had for well over 20 years, for lunch he, he went all conservative talking points on me. I let him know that I am more liberal that he thinks. He said he had to go and that was that. But I am sad to have lost a good friend over this massive brainwashing psych op that it taking place around the world. My other thought is that if your friends is that far in to the Q shit he does not want to talk with you either. I find the righties are far less tolerant than us lefties of other people's viewpoints.

[markie]

7. similar here

she started sending me emails about how dangerous the "vaccine" is... I wrote that I had gotten 3 shots, I'm comfortable with that and I believed she was misguided and that is all... I think it is our responsibility, not to argue, but succinctly explain the reality we live in and then go our way

[MLAA]

9. I think a short note of explanation then get as far away as you can.

[RainCaster]

10. I lost a friend several years ago

We grew up sharing the same Christian values, but 45 years later, he has become a gun totin bigot with a bitter heart. I stopped contacting him 3 years ago, and my life is better for having done so.

[Ocelot II]

12. I guess you'll have to count him as a *former* friend.

Maybe in parting you could ask him what happened to the person you used to know, the guy who always insisted on stopping the car to help a turtle get across the road so it wouldn't get run over, handed over a couple of dollars to someone in the checkout line in a grocery store who didn't have enough in their wallet to pay the bill, and left his job and family behind for three months to be with his mom while she was dying of cancer. How did that guy turn into what he is now - a guy who trades in lies and hate. You loved being friends with the person he was but you can't be friends with what he's become.

[marybourg]

19. Best response.

[DeeNice]

25. good response. nt.

[PlanetBev]

13. I had a friend who went full on Koolaid

She consumed a voracious diet of Rush, Fox, etc. and constantly tried to indoctrinate me. I had enough and finally cut her off.

[Tommy Carcetti]

14. I had that situation. And it turned out really, really wild.

Someone I knew from grade school growing up--when I got on Facebook around 2009 or so, I naturally friended her. And she was normal, and nice, and friendly. Even said she voted for Obama in 2008. Strongly religious Christian, but didn't seem to let that jade her overall personality. In short, she was a go-along, get-along type of person.

Then around 2014 or so, I began to notice a rather abrupt change in her. She started posting materials from suspect websites. Alt-right, white-nationalist type websites. And she began repeating whatever nonsense they were feeding her.

And she became more and more combative. I tried to politely correct her when I could. She would hit back, but at first it would be "no hard feelings."

I hold back from going heavily political on Facebook (I have Twitter under a pseudonym for that), but every once in a while I'd post something somewhat political (such as--for example--the Parkland school shooting) and she would just flood with all sorts of wild disinformation, and when I attempted to fact check her on anything, she simply would not listen. It was like talking to a brick wall. And friends of mine who didn't know her would ask me if there was something wrong with her, because she sounded unbalanced. For a while, I just told them she was a good person underneath who had been led astray.

But at some point--2018 I think it was--she ultimately defriended me. Her choice. But she didn't block me, and because we had numerous mutual friends, we'd still end up in heavy debates.

But she got meaner, and nastier. And personal at it--she would attack me about things that went on years ago, from middle school. And she was ahead of the curve on a lot of frightening internet behavior. She was making QAnon talking points before many people had heard about QAnon. And when I called her out on it, she basically accused me of being a pedophile in the "cabal."

Again, she was ahead of the curve, because she eventually became a school board crusader type and would go to school board meetings and accuse the public schools of being racist against white people in their curriculum. And she'd also accuse the schools of teaching subversive material that suggested child trafficking. It was disturbing to see.

But it all culminated in 2020 when she announced she was running for a seat on the local school board. She made the CRT bogeyman the crux of her campaign, and it garnered significant support. She won the initial primary round that gave her a place in the general election. Even got an endorsement from the local Republican party, which was rather surprising because school board seats were non-partisan in that jurisdiction. All was working out well for her until it came out she was harassing people on Facebook and making rather racially bigoted statements to them. Screen shots got out and there was a rather large backlash against her in the local Facebook community and in local media.

Things got even worse. She suffered what could only be described as a full-blown mental breakdown over Facebook; she was literally talking nonsensical gibberish and even some of her closest friends were concerned about her emotional well-being.

Eventually, she was persuaded to suspend her campaign. Everyone thought that was the last of her, but a month later, she was back again, making the same racially inflammatory statements over Facebook as she campaigned for a school board seat.

At this point, there was considerable backlash and I could tell she was suffering mentally. And I attempted to channel my better nature and reached out to her, told her that she used to be a decent, respectable person and that it was still possible for her to return to that. But I told that it would probably be in her best interest to walk away from the school board campaign and probably social media as well.

And that was when she blocked me completely.

What is most disturbing was when election day came around, she ultimately did lose her race. But not by much. She still got over 40% of the vote. And this was when the voting public knew about a) her racist statements and b) her mental instability. Both were front and center for the public to see. And yet over 40% still voted for her.

Needless to say, it left me with a rather cynical take on the state of politics today, about radicalization over social media, and much, much more.

Sorry to hear about your former friend.

[chowder66]

26. Wow. That's one hell of a story.

Sorry that you lost a friend.

[Tommy Carcetti]

32. Yeah, I actually was able to go over the DMs on Facebook and it shows how tragic a fall it was

Because even if someone blocks you, his or her prior DMs don't get erased.

Our messages started in 2013. We were discussing the Trayvon Martin case. She had heard some misinformation about the case, and I (as someone who followed that case intently) was able to correct it in detail. But even then there were some warning signs about "reverse discrimination."

After having a very civil discussion, we said goodbye and wished each other well.

Flash forward to our last conversation in 2020.

She attempted what appeared to be some weird sort of bizarre online exorcism of me--she literally told me, "I dismiss you in the name of Jesus!"--and I in turn begged her to disconnect from social media and to seek mental help for her own good and the good of her family.

A couple weeks after that she announced her campaign for school board. A few months after that, she suffered her public mental breakdown.

It rattles me just thinking about it to see someone fall apart so dramatically like that just over a few years.

[chowder66]

33. There is definitely something going on. I hope she gets help for whatever that is. nt

[anotherOKIE]

16. Quietly let it go

Be the adult in the room and quietly let them go. Look after your own heart and try to fill it with love for those who can understand who and what you are. Blunt talk is best left as a last resort in most cases.

[justgamma]

17. What I did

I didn't delete them. I unfollowed them on FB. That way I don't see any of that wingnut bs. I'm much more calm now. We've been close friends for 60 years and I can't give the 2 of them up. We just don't talk politics when we meet in person. One of them used to be a Dem and it breaks my heart.

[RobinA]

18. Well, There Is

a third option. Avoid/ignore politics and stick with what you liked about your friend to begin with. Assuming it wasn't similar politics. It is possible to be friends with people we don't agree with on every issue. I have a friend from elementary school who was a Reaganite and everything else on up to a Trumpster. I put an end to the politics discussion during Iraq by asking a few well placed questions she could not answer. As in, How about those WMD? Once it became clear that I was going to question political tropes, politics was never mentioned. The word "trump" has never passed between us and we remain friends with plenty to talk about.

[lagomorph777]

29. That's not how these kooks roll. Every other word from them is politics; every subject a trigger.

There is no way to have neutral conversations with these idiots.

[ratchiweenie]

20. Don't know what you should so but if it was me I would write to them and let them know how much you

used to admire them for being such a kind and caring person and are saddened and shocked to see how intolerant and judgemental they have become. That you never would have believed it was possible from your old friend. Then the ball is in their court and it's up to them to unfriend you.

[BlueIdaho]

21. Walk away.

No drama, no confrontations, no attempt at “fixing.” Just walk away.

[sanatanadharma]

22. Delete, de-friend, ignore, walk away, hold your tongue and do not say...

...but be certain to send a window sticker to your old friend
...no more to say than "RIP" when others' humanity seems to end

[Wingus Dingus]

23. He got bit. Best to quietly withdraw, and if he asks,

tell him you wish you didn't know his politics but it's a friendship killer.

[Hortensis]

24. I vote for neither. Some of them will come back from the abyss

of self-induced mental derangement, and they'll all need help and at least the idea of people to come back to. Most are losing all their old friends and too often all family. Their only community is Q.

We've not been forced to be so definitive with an actual QNut, but like so many have had final estrangements with a number of people. We've usually, though, tried to get across at some point that, even though we can't accept blah-blah, we care about them and their friendship, and hope someday... Not necessarily sincere, and notably it's more than any of them have. We're us, and they're good haters.

We still do this, sometimes, even when we don't mean it. Twenty years ago we did, but now no.

But they went bad, which means new circumstances may eventually encourage them to become more like the people they once were, and this is our little contribution to a better future, and happier memories.

Same for Q victims but even more.

[Kaleva]

27. You won't change his mind by talking to him. Ease back from him for your own peace of mind.

[lagomorph777]

28. Your call; if blasting and then ghosting helps you get it off your chest, do that.

If you don't need that ounce of gratification, just ghost him.

The result will be the same either way; he won't change back into a human being.

[Hav]

30. Sometimes it may be worth it to try a calm conversation

The internet with their echo chambers can really change people but it sounds like it started recently and he's in those early stages. In that case, I wouldn't go max aggression mode, I'd try to reason with him and provide information that counters his views to bring everything down to a reasonable level. In my opinion, that is more likely to be successful than making it too partisan and a team sport.

[ibegurpard]

31. I'd cut ties

And if he asks calmly and explicitly explain why. And make sure it's not just the surface parisan difference but the deeper reasons as to what he is supporting.

[ARPad95]

34. I left a group of ladies I had gotten together with monthly for several years.

One I had known from high school and one was from another group we had been in together in the 1990s. The latter was the one who invited me to this latest group. The other 3 group members were complete strangers. The political crap started rearing its ugly head in the form of snide remarks about Hilary Clinton completely out of (non-political) context during the 2016 campaign. During the 2020 campaign, one of the members had a tRump flag hoisted high in her front yard and one (along with her retired LEO husband) was all about the thin blue line flag BS. Other stuff happened that made me question why I was still in the group, but the final straw happened last year when we began to gather again after COVID-19 restrictions were lifted. Their small talk turned to outright racism except for the one I knew from high school. She and I stood our ground. However, I had other issues with her and not long after I gave her a bona fide reason why I would not be coming to the group anymore and left it at that.

I worked the election on Tuesday and I had to interact (separately) with the 3 worst offenders who I haven't had any contact with in a year. The first one told me very genuinely that I was missed. The second one behaved as she normally would have when I didn't realize she was a flaming tRumper/racist. The third laid on the guilt trip as if she couldn't possibly figure out what the problem could be which just reinforced to me that I made the right decision to walk away.

All this to say that I think you should just quietly delete your "friend" from your contacts. Then the ball is in his court to do with what he wants. Best wishes for you to have an open spot in your life to invite someone in who won't cause you angst.

[electric_blue68]

35. Ask him what changed his mind, and if you get a coherent answer...

If you get a coherent reply maybe you can see a path to try and guide him back.
Maybe there was a deep point of bitterness that set him on this past.

If not then maybe you quietly delete him.

[redstatebluegirl]

36. I hate to say it but I dropped a college friend due to her politics.

It ordered on cult crap, her love for Trump was complete.

[Iggo]

37. Not telling you what to do. But with me, I just ghost 'em.

It’s a trick I slowly learned as I was quitting drinking and the party life. I found it was mostly a waste of time to try to explain to people why you can’t play with them anymore. When they finally figure out you’re gone, they’ll know why.