No Wake, No Funeral, No Memorial Service

[ProfessorGAC]

My wife's friend left those directions before she passed.
She's being cremated & that's it.
However, she did leave opening a solace gathering for friends & family, but that it has to wait until it's not winter here.
She hated winter.
After 45 years in Palau (Peace Corps) & Key West, who could blame her?
Everyone seems to be OK. We'll see if the holidays changes that.
Thanks to all here for the good wishes. From my wife, as well.

[Deuxcents]

1. I'm sorry for the passing of your friend

Her wishes are exactly what I’ve expressed to my family. I’ve taken up enough space here n I want them to celebrate me while I’m alive and we all can enjoy each other. At first, my sister was quite upset even about discussing it but when she said she wanted to have a place to go n visit my grave, I asked her..when was the last time you went to mom’s grave? After some long talks, she’ll honor my wishes n I’ll forever love my family for doing so. Wishing you and your family peace 🕊

[ProfessorGAC]

4. Same Here

Both of us want this route.
My Wife would like a dinner a few weeks or months down the road for those still around.
I don't care about that.
That'd the only difference in our wishes.
But, keep it quick, keep it simple is our plan.

[malaise]

5. Same here but I am leaving my body for the medical faculty

Life has been great and whatever is to come is just part of the cycle.

[Deuxcents]

11. I signed for being a donor

Whatever I have that will work, good. I won’t be needing them

[malaise]

12. That's a great option

But I doubt my old body will have much of use😀

[panader0]

28. I'm pretty sure they won't want mine.

But I also want no service or burial. My ashes will go where ever they go. I don't think it will matter
to me much by then.
On the other hand, I could make the disposal of my ashes to be some kind of ordeal for my kids.
They'd have to get together and take some weird trip somewhere. Sort of a last joke.

[malaise]

41. LOL

Love your sense of humor 😀

[mercuryblues]

55. A scavenger hunt only in reverse

Find the spots and leave the ashes.


I like it.

[Turbineguy]

2. My favorite Aunt had that, or rather, the lack of it.

It's been about 12 years. Last week I got a Linked-In invitation to connect from her.

[erronis]

14. The Mormons probably have her in their big book. Maybe LinkedIn can look there.

All these companies/religions feeding on people's identities.

And the Vulture Capitalists feeding on us while we're still alive. At least until our bank accounts run dry.

[malaise]

42. Some of the vulture capitalists now own funeral homes

They are everywhere

[Peregrine Took]

3. I recently heard that people are going for the most simple funerals/burials.

Even being washed and dressed (shroud) by friends and then being lowered into the ground without any coffin or box is being done. You can be buried on your own property if it is allowed by the local area. No embalming to poison the ground with chemicals.

How many people can afford the big glitzy funerals as one of my other relatives had that cost almost 20k including a large luncheon for all.

My 98 year old SIL died last month and no one other than my husband and I were left to attend a service for her plus she had very little money. Even then it cost over 4k - mainly its the burial that costs so much.

We got her a space in a little columbarium in a Catholic cemetery and had no funeral Mass. The priest came to the chapel in the cemetery, said the prayers for the dead and the cemetery man came with a little truck and went off with her remains.

It was nice. Dignified. Her ashes were only in a cardboard box (cheapest cremation was $1300.00) so I brought a bouquet of flowers, a candle and her photo on a little table.

[erronis]

15. That's nice. And so much more peaceful than the hullabaloo of something everyone hates.

Except for those of us who don't mind lifting a pint (or more) in honor of someone we don't remember. I think this is a fairly common occurrence at some funerals....

[3Hotdogs]

43. Friends --- when thy died, no funerals or viewing.

Just a simple remembrance in the local park. Catered lunch and speaking remembrances.

My cremains will go to either the Atlantic Ocean or Delaware River. Most likely, the river because that is where I am having the most fun in my life, now.

[Srkdqltr]

6. My SIL died suddenly the day after Thanksgiving. no funeral, but a Celebration Of Life the next wee

There was a huge turnout. She was a well loved teacher, She was the type who made friends wherever she was. Makes more sense than in a funeral home.

[ancianita]

7. I'm sorry for the loss ot your friend.

Take care. I hope everyone will commemorate with good memories and stories.

[Skittles]

8. those will be mine also

minus the solace gathering

just be done with it already

[NJCher]

30. same here

same with most of my friends who have crossed over to date. Only a couple people.

[ProfessorGAC]

45. That's My Choice

Won't matter to me. Obviously!

[republianmushroom]

9. like it

[Texaswitchy]

10. My Mother was that way.

Wanted to be cremated and nothing fancy.

I planted a rose garden at my country place and put her ashes there.

She loved roses.

All different kinds of roses.

Her ashes mixed in with the dirt.

A fence around it.

Nothing to fancy.

[Evolve Dammit]

13. Very sweet. I put my Dad's in the ocean he loved. It is important I think, to honor their wishes

[Texaswitchy]

24. I think so to.

My Mother always had roses in the yard.

The roses are doing well.

Big and healthy.

[Evolve Dammit]

26. Sounds like she would be happy knowing that.

[Texaswitchy]

29. I think so.

She would be a 100 years old now.

[Evolve Dammit]

32. Yeah my mom and dad would be 104 and 105. So much time has passed, but still feels so recent?

I remember my mom and I watching TV in the 90's. She would watch a surreal advertisement for something and her comment was: "I don't know what the hell they're talking about anymore." I'm with ya Ma!

[Texaswitchy]

36. Yes.

My Grandkids are now in Canada so they kept me up to date.

I am retired now so I am just enjoying what is left of my life.



It will eight years since she died.

[Evolve Dammit]

39. Canada sounds good if things get too crazy here! All the best, ED

[Texaswitchy]

37. Yes.

My Grandkids are now in Canada so they kept me up to date.

I am retired now so I am just enjoying what is left of my life.



It will eight years since she died.

[Gore1FL]

16. There is a lot to address here.

First off, my deepest condolences to you and your wife.

Secondly, I totally get her friend. Honestly, though, while it sounds more a joke than I intended, I plan to be my most outgoing at my funeral. My hope is that I'll get around to writing what I need to write before I need to write it so I don't have to say what I need to say before I need to say it.

[NJCher]

31. a medium once told me

they are always present at their own funeral. They stand by the casket or urn.

[tiredtoo]

17. Is this about money?

My Dad had similar desires. We had nothing, he was cremated. Later we had a memorial service for him with entombment at military cemetery. My mother had services at funeral home followed by cremation then joined dad at military cemetery. My wife had services at funeral home with cremation, ashes still in my house, not in vase or anything just in cardboard box. I want funeral and cremation and ashes to be combined with wives. The kids can do whatever they want with this mix. I have money sat aside for this. Could leave it to kids but they will receive enough from my estate.
Now then, if money is a concern, I have no problem with going without. Just sharing my thoughts on this topic.

[ProfessorGAC]

46. It Is Not Money, No

Per my wife, she's always thought all of that puts needless stress on those closest.
She went through it with mom, dad, 2 sisters & a brother. (That family doesn't have longevity on either side.)
She wanted everything to be as simple & quick as possible for everyone surviving.

[FakeNoose]

18. I'm sorry for your loss, you and your wife were merciful to the end

I believe we earn brownie points for heaven when we do beneficial things for others that can never be repaid.
In other words, we are all paying it forward in one way or another.

[liberal_mama]

19. When my father died of Covid 2 months ago, we had no public funeral, no notice in the paper, and

told no one outside of the immediate family. We actually had a very expensive and dignified funeral/mausoleum interment. Only 7 people (me, my mom, my husband, my younger son, my sister and her husband and my nephew) were there, plus the funeral director and a few members of the military for the flag ceremony as my dad was a Veteran.

We did it this way because my dad died of Covid and we would not have been able to deal with unmasked friends and relatives coming and possibly spreading the disease that killed him. I would have literally lost my mind if unmasked people were talking to or approaching my mother.

We still haven't told anyone other than our inner circle. I live on the same street as my parents and none of the neighbors have been informed. If one of them tries to approach me to get an update on my father (some of them are very nosy), I ignore them and run back into my house.

People have their reasons for wanting things certain ways.

I'm very sorry for the loss of your friend. It sounds like she was very specific in her wishes.

[SharonClark]

44. That is such a sad response to neighbors who

inquire about your father’s health.

[liberal_mama]

47. It is sad, but it's necessary to preserve neighborhood peace

My father no longer has any health, because he's dead from Covid, so what's the point of talking about it?

My neighbors are mostly Trumpers, anti-maskers, Covid deniers, and anti-vaxxers so I wouldn't be able to have a civil conversation about the death of my father with them. It would end with me telling them off.

Like my next door neighbor is an anti-vaxxer, anti-masker, conspiracy theorist and Trump lover. Like me and my sister, she also bought a house across the street from her parents when she grew up and got married. I constantly see them all together, putting up Christmas decorations, and I want to scream at her, "I'm glad you get to enjoy the pleasure of your father's company this holiday season while my dad is dead because of disgusting people like you!" or "My dad was murdered by plague spreaders like you, Emily!"

Plus when another neighbor died of Covid last year, Emily said to me, "He had a lot of health problems," to brush off the seriousness of Covid. He might have had a few minor health problems, but he was only 60 and wouldn't be dead now if he didn't get infected by Covid.

Most of my neighbors are like this. Even the few neighbors I know to be democrats don't mask and have large parties at their houses because they're "vaxxed and relaxed."

They only ask to be nosy anyway, because this pandemic has shown me that they don't care about the lives of anyone else.

[whathehell]

57. Yes, I agree.

[JudyM]

67. So sorry, liberal mama... what Covid has wrought and still so many play it down.

I’d find it difficult and painful to deal with ignorant comments, too. You are keeping your dignity instead of opening yourself up to legitimately negative emotions. Wishing you comfort as you traverse your sorrow.

[Just A Box Of Rain]

20. From reading another thread, it seems that your friend was ready for her passage.

I do hope that gives you and your wife some solace.

As a personal aside, Palau (and particularly the island of Peleliu) was where my father was (mainly) stationed as a Marine fighter pilot in WWII. He nearly died there. But instead he enjoyed a long and productive life.

Peace to you.

[ProfessorGAC]

48. She Was Ready

The day before she died, she asked my wife "What time am I dying today?"
She must have known it was near, and she was tired of the fight.

[Just A Box Of Rain]

49. I read that and intended to comment then. Please forgive that lapse.

I've been in this position, with a loved one who was "ready."

It doesn't make the loss any less palpable for those left with a hole in their lives, but--for me anyway--being aware that the person I was missing was ready, removed feelings of guilt or self-doubts about whether there was something I could have done differently (or other similar thoughts) and that helped give me peace.

I hope the same is true for your wife and yourself.

[ProfessorGAC]

51. My Wife's Ok

She's sad, but I think she's dealing with it OK.
I'm a bit more detached, as I didn't grow up with her, like my wife did.
I've known her since our first visit to Key West, so 39 years. But, I don't have the memories with her my wife does. They were college roommates for 3 years.
I offered to handle all the funeral home stuff as a bit more removed member of the circle. But, I didn't know her plans when I offered. I'd have been happy to take those tasks off the family's hands though.
We're going to see the brother in law tomorrow to see how he's doing. He strikes me as quite the realist, so I'm guessing he's OK. Besides, he knows so many people to occupy his time. There's 170,000 in his city & he seems to know at least half them!

[nilram]

21. Some funeral homes have pages where people can be remembered.

Probably has to be set up by the family, but maybe there's another site where a page could be set up.

Can't blame her for having a solace gathering wait until a happier time of the year. Those gatherings are for the living, so I hope its a good one.

[walkingman]

22. What a life 💖 That is about all one could ask for....I like it.

[Alwaysna]

23. In 2016 my husband died from complications of a masive stroke.

I took care of him at home. As he was profoundly deaf I didn't tell him he was dying because he couldn't communicate. I rented a hall and threw him a party for his birthday. I let all his friends & family know that I would not be having a funeral . Even though he thought it was for his birthday the attendees knew it was a going away party.
He died 2 months later and his body was donated to KC medical students.
The medical school will pick them up only from a funeral home.
The funeral home wanted $500 to drive his body 12 miles.
I told them I wouldn't pay it & threatened to drive him myself if I had to. We live on social security & our kids were 13 & 17 years old . The oldest was in her senior year of hs.
The funeral home picked him up & I wasn't charged.
It seems his friends & family preferred this kind of send off rather than a funeral I would had to go in debt to pay for.

[NJCher]

34. That $500 is an outrage

I would have done the same as you. I am glad you weren't charged.

These people exploit others at a tough time and that is just sickening.

[Alwaysna]

66. My feeling is expensive funerals & weddings are absurd.

It's good to get together and celebrate people getting married & to gather and mourn those we have lost. But it has gotten so out of hand . The costs, planning, time & stress just isn't worth it to me.
I feel the same about Christmas & gender reveal events. As I type I realize some are still paying for the last Christmas on their credit cards. This year there are 7 people on my list & all but one is getting crocheted slippers. I better get to "hooking" now.

[barbtries]

25. Sorry for your loss.

My SIL told a story about a member of her family. The patriarch on his death bed wrote, "no flowers, no music, no funeral." His wife ignored it all and threw a huge funeral for the man.

My mother was fond of saying that funerals are for the living. I hope your wife's friend is smiling, knowing that her final wishes are being respected.

[calimary]

27. It's well worth thinking about.

Maybe she didn’t want money spent on a fancy box destined to be lowered into the dirt, when her surviving loved ones could make better use of it.

May she float upwards, and have a wonderful view.

[cilla4progress]

33. Sounds like a life

well-lived!

[frogmarch]

35. That is my choice too.

And no newspaper obituary either.

[mercuryblues]

38. I am sorry for the loss of a family friend

Her wishes sound wonderful.

Mine are quite similar. Cremated and take the money that would have been spent on a funeral and take a vacation to somewhere warm and spread my ashes there.

Have fun, because then I'm going to haunt their asses.

[Lucinda]

40. ❤️ ✿❧🌿❧✿ ❤️

[spanone]

50. ...

[PurgedVoter]

52. My wife and I agree entirely.

We plan to donate bodies and we don't even plan to have an obituary. When we go silent, we want to do it quietly.

[Layzeebeaver]

53. My mom died in July.

She died in the ambulance in transit.

A no resuscitate order was in place.

And her desire was to have her body donated for research.

No funeral. No memorial. Nothing.

We are all fine with that. Our memories of her are our own to keep.

[highplainsdem]

54. I think what she asked for makes sense. That's what was done after two of my

older relatives died, both dying in late winter. For one the gathering was postponed till May. June for the other. Made it possible for more relatives and friends to gather, with no worries about icy roads.

[Maeve]

56. Funerals and wakes are for the living

While I understand keeping to the deceased's last wishes, I do have to say a few things.

First, my Mom (91) recently said she wants people to skip the whole funeral thing, even tho she has it paid for already. I agreed to abide by her wishes for a public event, but.... Over the past 20 years, I have had a professional reason to talk to thousands of people about memorial services(I talk about Irish Wakes and their history at festivals in the mid-west) Many-- MANY-- have expressed sorrow at not being able to have a "final goodbye" if they missed or were denied some form of memorial. Hubby and I have recommended having a private service/wake/whatever for them to have a sense of closure. And it has helped (we have been told that many times, as well)

That your wife's friend left a "solace gathering" open is a good thing---people need a chance to share the sorrow of a loss. It's part of our humanity, even if it is just a raised glass and a heartfelt "thanks for being in our lives" shared among friends.

May the joy she brought to her friends overwhelm the sorrow of her loss.

[electric_blue68]

58. My condolences to your wife. I can't remember who but one of our

Aunts, or Uncles - we held a Memorial Service or Lunch when it got to be warner Spring weather and we could be in an opened area with a roof over us.

[LittleGirl]

59. Sincere condolences

That's what my Mother demanded when she died. No funeral, no memorial and no visitation at a funeral home. She was cremated and the ashes were divided. I have a handful of them. I got an urn that is fist size and since my Mother died 15 months ago, I haven't had the courage to transfer the ashes from the container it was shipped in to the proper urn. I'm having a rough time because it was during covid and I couldn't visit her while she was in hospice and I lived abroad.

[nightwing1240]

60. Simple and fast is all I wish for as well

Funerals and all that goes with them is expensive. I did have one for my wife and my brothers and I our father. You even have to pay to have an obit printed in the paper or a reverend to lead a wake. To each their own but not for me.

[yorkster]

61. I also think I don't want anything, except maybe obit.

Family is small and dear friends all live in NY, NE and beyond. Don't want anyone to fret about not being able to be there, etc. Would like "kin" to go out to dinner and raise a glass and will leave funding for same.
On the whole, I'd rather be in France, but reality is there, too.

[TigressDem]

62. You can buy butterflies to release in Spring.

Anyone who hates winter and loves spring is definitely a butterfly person.



https://butterflyreleasecompany.com/Category/Memorial-Butterfly-Release-funeral-butterflies


We have closed for the season and will start having butterflies available to ship again starting in February 2023
We are taking orders for the 2023 season and you can order early and save 10% with discount code '2023'
Order early and save 10% with discount code'2023'. Code expires 1/01/2023


I am sure there are many other places to find them. This is just one example.

[LakeArenal]

63. I always thought the same until my 93 year old Dad died.

He had paid for his “death package” decades past. So we had the funeral.

I thought what a waste of money. There was no one left to mourn or celebrate.

Boy was I wrong. Although no family had lived in our original home town for decades,
a hundred people turned up. Lots of my brother’s and mine friends from high school

People my dad had worked with came to tell us how they fondly remembered him.

That’s when I realized that funerals aren’t really about death but more about remembering.

Edit: So we will have a memorial of some kind. But no casket and ashes freed at some location.

[IbogaProject]

64. Koreans throw a happy party

A party of happiness that the 'returned' (their phrase for dying) would enjoy. Like a wake but happy sadness is not for that event.

[spooky3]

65. Condolences to you and your family. Nt