1) My wife made me sleep in another room 2) I'm a bad friend
Had a two hour phone conversation with a good friend yesterday.
Him: Did you ever see the movie Donnie Brasco?
Me: That Al Pacino movie?
Him: Yeah.
Me: Yeah, I saw it once a long time ago, but I can't remember much about it.
Him: Well, Pacino played a real life gangster named Benjamin Ruggiero.
Me: OK
Him: Do you know what Ruggiero's nickname was?
Me: No, what was it?
Him: Lefty Horsecock
Me: Are you left handed?
Him: Yeah
Me: Guess what?
Him: What?
Me: Your new name is Lefty Horsecock.
Him: But I don't measure up!
Me: It doesn't fucking matter! If people start calling you Lefty Horsecock, people are going to think you're hung like a goddamn horse! That's the way it works!
Him: But what if someone sees me naked?
Me: Just tell them you're a grower, not a show-er!
So later when I went to bed, I couldn't sleep, so I started thinking about the name "Lefty Horsecock".
And I started to chuckle to myself. My wife was dead asleep.
Then I started laughing and the bed started shaking.
Then, I got the idea of getting a picture of my friend, and adding the text "Lefty Horsecock" to the picture, and texting it to him thousands of times over the period of about a week. Because that's the kind of shit I do.
Then I started laughing harder and harder and my wife started sleepily pushing me out of bed.
She asked me what was so funny. So I tried to get the words "Lefty Horsecock" out of my mouth, but I couldn't because I was laughing so hard at my bright idea that I was coughing and choking.
Then she said, Go. GO. Just go! Get out of here!
The End
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did you realize commas are important?