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(10,558 posts)Chirpies!.........it's a canarial disease......furthermore it's untweetable......(that said, you likely can figure out on your own why one shouldn't make whoopie with a sick alligator!)
UrbScotty
(23,980 posts)...bird flu?
Rambis
(7,774 posts)One is a flaming Nazi gas bag and the other is just a dirigible
begin_within
(21,551 posts)sakabatou
(42,202 posts)Argon walks into a bar. The barman tells him to get the hell out. Argon doesn't react.
I wanted to tell people jokes about nitric oxide, but they kept saying, "NO!"
What did the element say to the police? "I CU, copper."
AU, want some gold?
A neutron wants to pay his tab. The bartender says, "For you, no charge."
What pest does chemists hate most? Mohls.
nuxvomica
(12,463 posts)"Don't worry, honey. I can explain everything."
jpak
(41,760 posts)pokerfan
(27,677 posts)concerning the adventures of the improbably named Johnny Fuckerfast?
eridani
(51,907 posts)When the little old lady gets on the bus and holles about her aspurns, the Canadian bus driver sez, "Well, maybe you left them back at the pharmacy, eh?"
Bladian
(475 posts)A blind guy walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. The owner of the store says to the man, "There are no pets allowed in this store."
The man replies, "This is my seeing eye dog."
The owner lets the man have the dog in the store, but after about 10 minutes he sees the guy swinging the dog in circles above his head. He goes over to the man and says, "Sir, stop that. You are to going kill that dog."
To which the man replies, "I am just looking around."
TexasTowelie
(112,659 posts)A. Yes.
Response: Then you're a gay fish.
Credits to South Park for pulling that one on Kanye West. My apologies to the LGBT community before anyone hits the alert button.
KamaAina
(78,249 posts)"Yes."
"So you like fish sticks in your mouth?"
"Yes."
"What are you, a gay fish?"
Orrex
(63,263 posts)Jokester: "Ask me why I'm so funny."
Victim: "Why are you so--"
Jokester: "Timing."
Tunkamerica
(4,444 posts)What's blue and creamy?
saras
(6,670 posts)Tunkamerica
(4,444 posts)me the note to get signed.
saras
(6,670 posts)Tunkamerica
(4,444 posts)saras
(6,670 posts)Tunkamerica
(4,444 posts)eridani
(51,907 posts)An Abelian grape.
Tunkamerica
(4,444 posts)not my demographic.
Tunkamerica
(4,444 posts)A. The neighbor of the beast.
nolabear
(42,002 posts)bif
(22,812 posts)The bartender says, "Hi Mitt!"
KamaAina
(78,249 posts)"Mitt Romney? What the hell are you doing in a bar?"
Justice wanted
(2,657 posts)Two drunks are drinking in a fifth story bar. After a few drinks one drunk goes over to the window jumps up onto the window ledge and jumps out the window. A few minutes later he comes walking up the steps sits back down at the bar and has a few more drinks. He repeats this process several times and finally the second drunk turns to the first drunk and ask- "How are you surviving? This bar is five stories up. How are you not dead from jumping out that window"?
First drunk- "Oh, the way this building is built there is a updraft and with all the gasses in your body you just float right down".
Second Drunk- "I've got to try this"! Finishes his drink. Jumps off the bar stool marches over to the window. Jumps up onto the window ledge. Jumps out the window. SPLAT!
Bartender looks at the first drunk: "You know you are a complete Asshole when you drink, Superman.
saras
(6,670 posts)Justice.
rug
(82,333 posts)They pitched their tent under the stars, crawled in, and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, its quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
Mendocino
(7,523 posts)Professional courtesy
RiffRandell
(5,909 posts)NightWatcher
(39,343 posts)Kermit's dick
mysuzuki2
(3,521 posts)Amphibians don't even have dicks. Ha Ha on you!
saras
(6,670 posts)mysuzuki2
(3,521 posts)I wonder if they should envy us mammals or the other way around?
saras
(6,670 posts)I bet his cigarette tastes better than ours, too.
mysuzuki2
(3,521 posts)I wish I could say the same.
OffWithTheirHeads
(10,337 posts)RFKHumphreyObama
(15,164 posts)RiffRandell
(5,909 posts)What is our national bird...the eagle.
What is the wisest bird...the owl.
What bird symbolizes love...the dove
What bird symbolizes true love.....
The swallow.
geardaddy
(24,931 posts)I like it.
RiffRandell
(5,909 posts)Special Prosciuto
(731 posts)A horse walks into a bar.
Bartender says "Hey! Why the long face?"
nadine_mn
(3,702 posts)an older gentleman is vacationing on a nudist beach. He is laying on his back enjoying the sun when a little girl approaches him, points to his naked private parts and asks "what's that?"
The man looks around for the little girl's mother, and not seeing her, isn't sure what to say so he tells the girl "ummmm...that's my pet bird"
The answer seemed to satisfy the girl, so she started playing in the sand and the man drifted to sleep.
When he wakes up, he is in the hospital and in excruciating pain. He looks around and asks "where am I? What happened?". A nurse tells him he is in the hospital and before she can tell him why, the little girl comes by his bed and says "I'll tell ya what happened, Mister. While you were sleeping I wanted to play with your pet birdie, but after I started petting it, it spit at me so I broke its neck, crushed its eggs and set its nest on fire"!
OxQQme
(2,550 posts)Mickey's standing before the judge.
Judge say's, "Mr Mouse, you can't divorce Mrs Mouse just because you think she's crazy."
Mickey say's, "Your Honor, I didn't say she was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy."
Motown_Johnny
(22,308 posts)I know, but it is funny.
PassingFair
(22,434 posts)Motown_Johnny
(22,308 posts)but he did smile and laugh
HERVEPA
(6,107 posts)After a minute or so, he asks the vendor "Where is my change?"
Vendor replies "Change comes from within".
eridani
(51,907 posts)An mathematician, a scientist, an engineer and a computer programmer were asked to prove or disprove the theorem that all odd numbers are prime.
Mathematician: 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is not prime. The theorem is false.
Scientist: 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is not prime, but that could be an experimental error. 11 is prime, 13 is prime--well, that's quite a few data points, so the theorem may be true, but further research is needed.
Engineer: If that were the case, it would really be useful and convenient. 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime, 15 is prime, 17 is prime, 19 is prime, 21 is prime, 23 is prime, 25 is prime, 27 is prime, 29 is prime--yep, looks like it's true.
Programmer: You really need a supercomputer to check a large number of cases, and here's the printout. 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime.............
retread
(3,766 posts)worship.
"Pray to me I am Jesus!!", he yells
"I am the son of God!!"
This goes on day and night for weeks.
Finally a bored attendant decides to amuse himself at the patient's expense.
He lets himself into the cell while the man is shouting he is the son of God.
The attendant interrupts the tirade, "Who are you?"
"I am the Son of God!"
"Who says?"
"God says!!"
Just then a voice comes from the next cell, "I did not!!"
Response to crimsonblue (Original post)
Post removed
Ptah
(33,055 posts)Please delete it.
unapatriciated
(5,390 posts)not the least bit funny.
Sentath
(2,243 posts)My pastor disagrees with you.
He told a variant on it just 8 days ago, from the pulpit.
Tuesday Afternoon
(56,912 posts)dumbass posts are immediately alerted on. now dude, if that is not the funniest joke on here, you don't know funny like I know funny.
onethatcares
(16,206 posts)I've had a stiff neck all day.
geardaddy
(24,931 posts)The disciple John is down praying at the foot of the cross when he hears his lord's voice beckoning him, "John!"
Excited, John strains to hear what Jesus is saying, but Jesus just keeps, beckoning him, "John! John!"
So, John, excited whatever wisdom has to impart to him, goes into town and gets a ladder.
He returns to Calvary Hill to hear Jesus' ever more urgent calls for him.
He puts the ladder up against the cross and climbs to reach Jesus. "What is it, my Lord?!"
"John, I can see your house from here."
KamaAina
(78,249 posts)He gets taller.
KamaAina
(78,249 posts)..oh, never mind.
cyberswede
(26,117 posts).
.
.
Placement of the dirtbag.
(with sincere apologies to bikers and Harley riders everywhere)
SecularMotion
(7,981 posts)liberaltrucker
(9,130 posts)A Rabbi and a Priest were having lunch.
The Priest suggests a ham sandwich.
Rabbi: " I can't eat pork, It's against my religion".
*Rabbi's wife walks in *
Rabbi: Father, have you considered taking a wife?
Priest: Violating my celibacy is against my religion.
Rabbi: I respect that, but I gotta say it's a hell of
a lot better than a ham sandwich!
Ikonoklast
(23,973 posts)How does he smell?
Awful.
benld74
(9,911 posts)A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar.
The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
geardaddy
(24,931 posts)It's a favorite.
ButterflyBlood
(12,644 posts)A man walks into a bathroom with two urinals, one already being used by a very short man. He goes to the other urinal and noticed the man is standing a bit away because he has a gigantic dick. After taking a glance he notices that it's the biggest dick he's never seen.
So then he asked the man "I'm not gay or anything but I couldn't help but notice how huge your dick is. How did it get that way?"
The short man replied "Well actually, I'm a leprechaun. I can grant you any wish, but to do that I have to shove this up your ass."
The man said "Well that might hurt a bit but if true it'll be worth it. I wish for a billion dollars." and then dropped his pants in front of the little man. The little man then took him from behind and shoved his dick in his ass very painfully.
After it was fully inserted the man said "Wow that hurt, but I'm surprised you got it all the way in there."
The little man said "I'm surprised you believed I was a leprechaun!"
Initech
(100,139 posts)"Did you hear the one about the guy who said "Hey son if you don't quit masturbating you're gonna go blind and he says Hey! Dad! I'm over here!"
GeorgeHayduke
(1,227 posts)Q: Why does a chicken coup only have two doors?
A: Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
Aaaand for the coup de grace, if only to make up for the lame cake that was the first joke.
Q: How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?
If you want the punchline to this most horrifically offensive joke, you'll have to PM me and provide picture ID that you're at least of drinking age. If you've heard it, please don't post it.
fNord
(1,756 posts)I love talking about Kennedy. I was just down in Dallas, Texas. You know you can go down there and, er, to Dealey Plaza where Kennedy was assassinated. And you can actually go to the sixth floor of the Schoolbook Depository. It's a museum called... 'The Assassination Museum'. I think they named that after the assassination. I can't be too sure of the chronology here but... Anyway they have the window set up to look exactly like it did on that day. And it's really accurate, you know, cos Oswald's not in it. "Yeah, yeh so wow that's cool." Painstaking accuracy, you know. It's true, it's called the 'Sniper's Nest'. It's glassed in, it's got he boxes sitting there. You can't actually get to the window as such but the reason they did that of course, they didn't want thousands of American tourists getting there each year going [Mimes looking out of window] "No fucking way! I can't even see the road. Shit they're lying to us. Fuck! Where are they? There's no fucking way. Not unless Oswald was hanging by his toes, upside down from the ledge. Either that or some pigeons grabbed onto him, flew him over the motorcade... Surely someone would have seen that. You know there was rumours of anti-Castro pigeons seen drinking in bars... Someone overhead them saying 'coup, coup' Coo.
gratuitous
(82,849 posts)But it was hidden by a jury of apparent Philistines.
Iwillnevergiveup
(9,298 posts)with his precious little Pomeranian on a leash. He ties him to a barstool, takes a seat and orders a drink. Soon another man enters with a big ugly yellow dog, ties him to a barstool nearby, takes a seat and orders his drink. In just a few seconds, the big ugly yellow dog moves over to the Pomeranian and gulps him down in one huge bite, leaving nothing but the leash.
The little fellow's owner is appalled and starts screaming at the man, "Did you see that? Your dog just ATE mine. What the hell kind of dog is that, anyway?"
The big ugly yellow dog's owner takes a sip of his drink, turns to the distraught man and says, "Well, before I cut off his tail and painted him yellow, he was a crocodile."
Crabby Appleton
(5,231 posts)I was in the pub on Saturday night.
I noticed two large girls by the bar.
They both had strong accents so I said
Hi,are you two girls from Scotland?
One of them chirped Its WALES you friggin' idiot!
So I immediately apologized and said Sorry,
Are you two whales from Scotland?
*********************
Baby seal walks into a bar
bartender says " what'll you have?"
baby seal says "Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks!"
mrmpa
(4,033 posts)An englishman was tired of his life, he always was making the wrong decision. He had the choice of 2 colleges to attend, he chose the wrong one. He had the choice of 3 majors to study, he chose the wrong one. He had the choice of 2 women to marry and he chose the wrong one. He had the choice of 2 jobs and he chose the wrong one.
He was fed up with it all and decided he would leave england and try to start anew. When he got to the airport he was asked where he wanted to go, he told the agent, "you make the choice."
He settled on the plane and it took off. Not long after the pilot came over the intercom and said "we have lost power to engines 1, 2 and 3, we are beginning to lose power in the 4th engine."
The poor englishman looked up to the heavens and said "Dear St. Francis, please save us." A voice answered him, "St. Francis Assissi or St. Francis Xavier?"
kwassa
(23,340 posts)Those that are good at math, and those that aren't.
ScreamingMeemie
(68,918 posts)Love it!
Response to ScreamingMeemie (Reply #78)
ScreamingMeemie This message was self-deleted by its author.
ScreamingMeemie
(68,918 posts)The third one ducked.
There, now you're posted in the correct place. For those who wondered what the self delete was about.