Trump confesses! SATIRE!

[Playingmantis]

Last edited Thu May 2, 2024, 02:02 PM - Edit history (1)

https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/trumps-trial-ends-abruptly-after?utm_campaign=email-half-post&r=e31kw&utm_source=substack&utm_medium=email


NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – In a twist that surprised even the most hardened trial watchers, Donald J. Trump’s hush money trial came to a sudden conclusion on Wednesday after the defendant issued a full confession while soundly asleep.

Trump, who had been snoring vigorously all morning, began mumbling shortly after 10 a.m. despite Judge Juan M. Merchan’s admonishment that he quiet down.

His eyes still closed, the indicted businessman blurted, “I had sexual relationships with Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal, then orchestrated an elaborate hush money conspiracy to corrupt the 2016 election.”

The courtroom was dumbfounded to hear Trump issue not only a complete confession but also a complete sentence, witnesses said.

As Trump’s head bobbed forward and he resumed snoring, his lawyers gathered their papers with an air of resignation and quietly filed out of the courtroom.

His lead attorney, Todd Blanche, was philosophical about the trial ending so prematurely, telling reporters, “We probably weren’t going to get paid anyway.”