The REAL Reasons Why Scott McClellan Has Left the White House [View All]

[Skinner]

• Wants to spend more time with his family: James Frey, Jayson Blair, and Stephen Glass.
   
• So many of his pairs of pants have inexplicably burst into flame that it has become virtually impossible to get dressed in the morning.
   
• Chronic motion sickness from excessive spinning.
   
• Suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder due to tough questioning from Helen Thomas.
   
• There has been so much "good news" coming out of Iraq that the White House decided it is completely unnecessary to have a press staff.
   
• Policy of not commenting on "ongoing investigations" has made it virtually impossible for him to comment on anything anymore.
   
• New job: Washington Post Ombudsman.
   
• Constant barrage of hardball questions from the White House Press Corps. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Just kidding.
   
• Disregarded advice of commanders who said a larger military force was necessary for successful invasion and occupation of Iraq; failed to plan for post-invasion occupation; personally supervised torture of detainee(s) at Guantanamo Bay; arrogant and imperious; recently was the object of unprecedented public criticism from six highly respected former generals. Considering this appalling record of failure, it is surprising it took this long for him to lose the confidence of the Commander in Chief. (Now, wait a second...)
   
• Mastered "lies" and "damned lies" but still struggling with "statistics."
   
• Finally grew a conscience.
   
• It's the only way he could get out of upcoming hunting trip with vice president.
   
• Wants to investigate whether it is possible to do other things "like a rug."
   
• Breaks into cold sweat when he thinks about trying to explain upcoming Iran War.
   
• Hoping for cushy job in  Jack Abramoff's lobbying firm  Tom DeLay's office  Duke Cunningham's office  Katherine Harris's senate campaign  Scooter Libby's office  any place that will hire him.
   
• The job just hasn't been the same since Jeff Gannon left the White House Press Corps.
   
• Considering the fact that the Bush administration has been such a huge success and has done so many awesome things to make this country great, the only possible explanation for the president's low poll numbers is poor performance by White House press secretary.
   
• The rats are abandoning ship.