Reply #20: from the Book of MoPaul..... [View All]

[ElsewheresDaughter]

brothers and sisters, today we speak of Christ's words, and how to re-arrange them to fit our new nazi overlord's agenda. this process began in 1980 when the beloved st. ronald 'took' office. take the words of Jesus, the beatitudes, sermon on the mount, etc., and make them more palatable to that certain believer who's not too bright.

many times a precious child has approached me and asked sincerely, 'reverend mo, god told us thou shalt not kill, but my mommy says we've killed 100,000 people in iraq, why is no one obeying god's rules?' or, 'reverend mo, Jesus says blessed are the peacemakers, but we are at war with two nations'. and i always have a handy lie to tell the little ones, because they don't understand exactly how the real world works.

i tell them, 'yes, war is a bad thing and so is killing, but there are evil people in the world who do not believe like we do and they must be made to go away forever', or, 'jesus said to love thy neighbor as you would yourself, but, his neighbor's weren't crazy muslims who hated him for no good reason'.

jesus loves the little children, but not muslim children because they worship an evil and false god. when muslim children are blown up with state of the art weaponry, they don't go to heaven like us, they go the bad place with the devil. i know it looks bad, but all those muslim kids have to die so that nice christian kids like you can live in freedom and visit disneyworld.

y'see suzie, those cute little muslim kids grow up to be terrorists who hate us for our freedoms. they wear funny hats, and have machine guns and they pray with their butts in the air. they are not like us and they never will be so we must kill them all, every last one, to make the world safer for little christian kids like you.

and jesus has told us to conquer their land and take all their resources, especially oil, to power our church buses and hummers and mini vans so you can drive to sunday school.

when jesus said 'blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth', he was just sort of kidding. what he really meant was all the muslims have to go, so that we, the meek christians can have it all to ourselves. and when jesus said 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you', he was just trying to make a point about how we need to do unto others pre-emptively to avoid them doing unto us, do you see?

so parents, when you lie to your kids about the words of jesus, or the ten commandments, or the beatitudes, be gentle and keep it simple. remember how you really believed in santa claus, and how your parents told you that he could fly and make you happy? and remember how bad you felt when you found out it was a big fat lie your parents told you? well it's the same with jesus, just twist those words around just enough to fool the little ones.

those little lies are very useful and helpful when dealing with children, cause they are so easy to fool.