Reply #132: Thank you [View All]

[Jamastiene]

Although, I have my issues with what I see as a God who won't help me out of here, I appreciate when people offer to pray that I can escape this horror story that has been my life up until this point. I really desparately need some positive, kind people, who encourage me not to give up, around me in my real life for a change. I talk to quite a few Christians on DU and would like to see if there is an "alternate" God who doesn't hate and maybe would help me get to a point financially that I can afford to start over somewhere nice and begin to truly build a good life. I can never have it where I live as long as all my experiences here are bad and lead me back to square one again. It's like something is keeping me from a path to a hopeful life. I want that to stop. I haven't found it yet.

It looks like I am going to have to figure out how to do it all by myself and fight the negative influence and their impact on my state of mind all at the same time. I haven't even been able to find a way around the negativity by my own family yet. As long as I am unable to hold down a job or get disability for what several phycologists have said is a pretty devastating diagnosis on my mental state, I'll be repeating this vicious hate filled cycle for the rest of my life. Right now, I am in college trying to get a degree, serving as a care giver for an aunt (she's not a fundy like the rest of them) who is a veteran and has multiple sclerosis and cannot walk, cannot do simple things like opening a can with the can opener, lost her home (and mine) 2 years ago, and the rest of the family hates her and will not take care of her. As it stands right now, starting in the summer I will be going to school full time, which is 8 hours a day (have been going 3/4 time for the last year and a half), taking care of paying all the bills, cooking and the other household chores like mowing, taking care of the maintanence on the car and the place we live, taking care of my aunt, working odd jobs to supplement my aunt's monthly disability, and trying to get a part time job to try to gain experience so I won't be totally devastated financially if anything happens to my aunt ( I have had to leave the last several jobs I tried to keep to keep her from hurting herself trying to get around). My family says I am lazy and sorry because I say my back hurts every now and again and I don't work 8 hours a day, go to school 8 hours a day and do all the other stuff around the house and take care of my aunt at the same time with very little to no help from them. Every time I start to make progress with my self esteem and try to muster the energy to take all this responsibility on plus work on getting a decent education, my family does something else to bust my self esteem back down to the self loathing state where I lose what little physical steam I managed to muster. If you want more specifics, I'll be more than happy to share them. One thing no one can say about me is that I have any secrets. WYSIWYG.

Again, I do appreciate that you offered to pray. My prayers seem to fall on deaf ears when I try it and I have to admit, I have given up on hoping for results from my own prayers. I can't help it. There is still so much pain associated with prayer and I can honestly say I think spiritually, I have reached a point where giving up on prayer is the only way out for me. I wish someone could explain why it is that when others pray for me, it works, and things get better and look more hopeful. Yet, when I pray, things don't get better, but actually worse. Maybe no one knows the answer. I sure don't, but it does seem to be true.