Classic Welkisms - malapropisms from the master. [View All]

[progmom]

...Compiled by Dick Wilson, a sound mixer who worked on "The
Lawrence Welk Show" for more than three decades

"Now the band will play a medley of tunes from World War Eye ."

During an audience warm-up: "I just wrote a book, but don't go out and buy it yet, because I don't think it's finished yet."

"There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them."

Introducing a guest performer: "His act may start out slow, but it tapers off."

When an audience was not responding with generous applause: "I see we have a few sourpussies in the group tonight."

Referring to rock music: "That's not my cup of dish."

"How do you spell conductor after C-U-N?"

To the band just before going on the air: "Boys, look like you're having fun, but don't have any."

"I just had an idea that went right over my head."

Introducing the high potentate at a Shriner's convention: "Ladies and
Gentlemen, your high totem pole."

To his stand-in: "Whenever you have a minute I'd like to see you right
now."

To a band member: "I never realized that your hair was so close to your head before."

To a performer who apologized for being late and said he had no excuse: "That's no excuse."

About a vocalist who auditioned: "She has a nice voice, but she looks a little bit too much like Eleanor Roosevelt."

To the dress rehearsal audience about the use of a phony turkey on the set of a Thanksgiving show: "Don't worry, folks, this will be a real turkey when it gets on the air."

To the person who wrote his cue cards: "Don't use the word 'dat' (that).. I can say 'dis' (this), but I can't say 'dat' (that)."

"I just let it in one ear and out the top of my head."

When a group of people came in to discuss problems in the band: "You know, when people band together, it causes a house divided."

Referring to a singing duo he first heard perform at a nightclub: "They were so good, I could hardly wait to get out of there."

When he found the Hollywood Palace stage to be too small to accommodate the whole band: "Fire four feet of the band."

"I'm keeping perfect time. I"ll get my barometer (metronome) and prove it."


Then there was the time he accused a vocal group of being out of lip-sync when they were singing live..

"Boys, if you don't stick together, how do you expect me to follow you-ah?"


"You know, it's a long world."

To the pianist who was rehearsing: "Why do you do that? You play too many notes already."

"That's what really broke the camel's straw."

After a jet plane flew over and disrupted rehearsal: "You know, those jet planes make masonic booms."

To the accordionist: "You go over there and play the accordion. I'll stay here and beat off the band."

Asking the guitarist to accompany a guest vocalist: "Get behind her over here, and give her a nice feel."

Inviting the Wisconsin Cheese Queen in the audience to come up on stage and dance: "Come up here and let us see you cut the cheese."

After a production number in which the Champagne Lady sang of unrequited love: "Yes, she sure looks like a woman who has been tampered with."