Reply #61: My very tiny wedding tale [View All]

[jmowreader]

Well, the wedding was tiny...

Like I told y'all a couple weeks ago, we got married almost immediately upon meeting. We decided to go to the Jefferson County Justice of the Peace because neither of us is religious.

Quick note: I'm from Idaho. Most of my family is still there--one of my sisters was living in Seattle at the time and my freeper brother was driving truck out of Oklahoma. Lori is from Illinois and, except for her sister (who was a cook in my unit's mess hall), all of her family was still in Illinois. And none of them could make it to New York State for a wedding.

Our guests were going to be all the people in my company plus the division G-2, the battalion adjutant was my best woman (kinda like a best man, just in a dress), and the HHC supply sergeant was Lori's maid of honor.

Okay, check it out: The day before the big event, I said we'd meet in the company parking lot and convoy to the judge's chambers. No, no, said the company, we'll meet you at the courthouse. "You know where it is?" 'Of course.'

We were living together in her sister's spare bedroom at the time. The morning of the wedding, Lori went upstairs to wash up, do her hair and put on her makeup only to find that her sister's boyfriend had totally trashed the bathroom. "Here. You do it." I also did her sister and the maid of honor. (Hey, it beats pacing the floor.)

Time to leave. Her sister was all "oh, I'll meet you there." The maid of honor followed us because her car didn't run very well and she'd need a ride if it broke down on the way up or back. As it turned out, her car worked fine.

Remember three paragraphs ago I said the guys in the company all knew where the courthouse was? Well, they did...unfortunately, Jefferson County outgrew its courthouse and built a special one just for the justice of the peace--five miles from the one downtown. And even more unfortunately, the whole company went downtown and wondered where the hell we were while Lori, her maid of honor, my best woman and I were wondering not only where the hell the company was, but where the hell Lori's sister was.

Fifteen minutes later, with absolutely NO guests at the wedding, the JP arrived. I do believe we set the world's land speed record for Marriage Ceremonies: sign here, here and here; promise to love, honor and not divorce; exchange rings; kiss; congratulations--you're married; it's just started snowing out there, don't kill yourself on the way home.

At the EXACT MOMENT the JP told us to have a safe trip home, all of the guests walked through the door. They brought us a bottle of tequila on the theory that getting drunk and screwing your brains out on your wedding night is a good thing, but field station people don't do champagne. Gee, thanks guys.

We went home, had one of the worst meals I have ever cooked, drank the bottle of tequila and proceeded to legitimize our marriage.... Okay, the Recipe from Hell: My company went to the field a few weeks before and had T-rations. We bought too many, couldn't turn them in, couldn't save them and didn't want to throw them away, so we put the sealed cans on the floor and let whoever wanted some get them. I got a couple cans of boiled chicken breasts. "Hey Jim!" I thought to myself, "why not make cordon bleu out of these?" No problem: a T-rat chicken breast, a slice of ham lunch meat, a slice of cheese, roll in bread crumbs and fry. Don't do this. It is fucking nasty. (And now you know why we drank the whole bottle of tequila.)

The next morning I told my new bride the Little Red Riding Hood joke, which is most foul, and we spent the rest of the day watching violent movies and relegitimizing our marriage. By sundown we had the most legitimate marriage in the state of New York.

I had taken that week as leave, and we spent most of it on post filling out paperwork to make my bride a proper Army Wife. Most important: signing up for housing.

I got back to work on a Monday. First thing: "Jim, you're going to Norfolk for two weeks to help run a field training exercise." I'd never even seen a $285 phone bill until that first one after the end of the exercise...