Reply #76: ok, i'll give this a whirl. [View All]

[peruban]

"I Am"

I am not a chair, donkey, quarter, or bicycle.
I am not a table, baby, pig, lamb, goat, or bookshelf.
I am not Asian, Venezuelan, Indian, Visigoth, Armenian, German, Indonesian, or Moroccan.
I am not a baker, botanist, cooper, blacksmith, engineer, grave digger, or conductor.

I will not complement or insult you in any way.
I will not start a fire or litter the streets.
I will not make fun of your mistakes or complain about the weather.
I will not prejudge you or favor any particular side.

I am not made of steel, synthetic wool, plastic, or rubber.
I am not a carpenter, electrician, air conditioner repairman, or leaky faucet.
I am not aware of all my faults or how to correct them.
I am not a polka fan nor do I listen to Lawrence Welk.

I do not contain mechanically separated chicken, stripes, colors, stars, or balloons.
I do not enjoy long walks on the beach or window shopping at the mall.
I do not contain saccharine, monosodium glutamate, starch, or oolestra.
I do not shed my skin or carry a badge.

I will not buy you a drink or remember to call you the next day.
I will not enhance the flavor of your favorite foods.
I will not show you how to tie a double windsor knot.
I will not impress your parents or friends.

I am not your friend, lover, or relative.
I am not offended if you wish me a Merry Christmas.
I am not a placebo, amoeba, bacteria, or fungus.
I am not spermicidally lubricated with nonoxynal-9.

I am not going to take a shower with you or buy you flowers on your birthday.
I am not going to give you a hard time.
I am not capable of fulfilling your innermost desires.
I am not a weight loss supplement or finely aged cheese.

I can not bench three hundred pounds or run a marathon.
I can not blame myself or you for anything.
I can not quench your thirst or feed you.
I can not prolong your agony or misconceptions.

I do not taste like chicken or popped corn.
I do not recommend any particular brand of chewing gum.
I do not smell of elderberries or new car scent.
I do not wear a mask or cape.

I do not intend to replace the leading prescription remedy.
I do not expect you to have softer stool or constipation from reading this.
I do not taunt, antagonize, or minimalize you.
I do not take myself or others seriously.

I am not going to make excuses for being late.
I am not going to beat you up for being a wise ass.
I am not on anyone's hit list.
I am not up for discussion.

I do not do a good impression of Tom Bosley.
I do not have the head of a goat, horns, or hooves.
I do not take pleasure in knowing that things can always be worse.
I do not drive a Pinto, Yugo, or Gremlin.

I will not buy you a shower caddy, tea leaves, or oranges.
I will not say "I told you so" whenever you screw something up.
I will not call you by your nickname.
I will not object to accepting donations.

I do not intend to make my life story into a made for television movie.
I do not have a four liter overhead cam engine.
I do not laugh at other people's suffering.
I do not intend to turn you on or go to bed with you.

I have no relation to any known historical figure.
I have no chronic illnesses, itchy rashes, or sense of style.
I have no ulterior motives or agenda.
I have no clue as to what you're talking about.

I am a point of consciousness in the universe.
I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.
I am a living, breathing sack of flesh.
I am a selfish and cynical snob.

More than anything else, however,
I am a person.

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-peruban

Edited for spelling and grammatical mistakes. Took me all about ten to fifteen minutes.