Reply #33: There are predatory people of all orientations [View All]

[Chovexani]

But I don't think gay people who enter into relationships with straights inherently fall under that category. Certainly not teens in high school, who are trying to figure themselves out anyway, in pretty much every respect. I don't think what you did was wrong.

That said, someone who knowingly and maliciously deceives their partner is a selfish asshole, no matter what that deception is about. I'm not talking about the folks who, for whatever reason (social pressure, internalized homophobia, denial) don't realize they're queer until later in life. That's entirely different. I mean people who know they're gay, not bisexual, and enter into hetero relationships pretending they're something they're not. Using someone and playing with their emotions is a shitty thing to do. This is not to say that I don't sympathize with the pressures that people are under; I completely understand where the impulse comes from, and put the blame squarely on a deeply homophobic society. I still think it's wrong, though. Do I think it's nearly as common as the hyperventilating heteros claim? Not at all, and I question the motives of people who keep pushing the "predatory gay" meme. Not to mention the fact that this entire debate ignores that sexuality is a continuum, and for some people it's fluid, etc. I know gay people who have fallen in love with different gendered people and vice-versa, and it didn't mean they were suddenly bi, it meant they were a <PersonName>-sexual. Human romance and sexuality is a weird and complicated thing.

That said, I think a lot of these "unsuspecting" straights need to get hit with clue bats because they're in denial. It's a very rare person that can completely hide any sign of their orientation, and it takes someone hopelessly sheltered or just plain naive not to have any inkling whatsoever. And some are just hags in the negative sense of the word thinking they can change somebody, and get mad when reality slaps them upside the head.

My biggest thing in a relationship is communication and honesty, and that's why I can't excuse that kind of behavior. Sometimes people have unspoken agreements about things, and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm just a big believer in choice and going into things with your eyes open. I've been a beard more than once in my life, and on those occasions I knew what I was getting into and knew what to expect. So it was fair. Weirdly enough, every serious boyfriend I've had but one has been bi (not by design or intent, it's just happened that way, even though I do prefer dating bisexuals just because I find there is less drama over my own bisexuality that way). The last guy I was involved with prior to my current relationship is gay, I was with him for seven years, and I knew he was gay before he did. There were a lot of little clues. Funny enough, the thing that finally forced him to come out to himself was one of my stories. Some of you might know that I write queer erotica as a hobby, and while the BF had always taken an unusually deep interest in my fics, there was one really explicit story I wrote that sort of opened the floodgates for him and forced him to really think about a lot of things. It sparked a long conversation, a really good one, and he felt a lot better. A big chunk of his problem was that he grew up in an extremely hick, rabidly conservative town in Australia, and despite having a cousin so out he marches every year in the Mardi Gras parade, never felt like he could talk to anyone about that sort of thing. And his town was the kind where everyone knew everyone else's business. He came out as bi, but it was one of those "stepping stone" deals, because I've since learned that he now happily identifies as gay. Which is fine by me. And I'm not bitter or angry, nor do I feel like he preyed on me. To the contrary, I'm glad we dated (even if the sex was shitty), because I'm glad I could help him work through his shit. And I'm relieved, because I beat myself up a lot during that relationship thinking there was something wrong with me because he was closed off emotionally, etc. Knowing it's because he had a hard time relating to women emotionally was like a weight off my shoulders. I think we're both better people for having had that relationship, and I don't regret it at all.

As an aside, to this day, my friends in fandom jokingly praise my fic as so hot it busts open closet doors and turns straight men gay. :P For the curious, if you're familiar at all with Final Fantasy 7, it was a Cloud/Sephiroth fic.