Marriage Is Greater Than the Sum of Its Parts--Wash Post

[Demeter]

By William Raspberry
Monday, April 4, 2005; Page A21

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A23878-2005Apr3.html

"...If this seems a strange subject for an op-ed, the truth is that almost everything I touch these days impels me to consider the troubled institution of marriage. I think of it when I see so many of my Duke University students settling for uncommitted relationships -- living together or merely "hooking up." I think of it when I see young children struggling academically because their single mothers are unable to give them the economic, emotional and directional support they need. I think of it when I see young boys run amok -- and young men overpopulate our prisons -- in large part because they haven't had the loving discipline that fathers can provide. I think of it when I see young women who don't know how to judge the men who pursue them because they haven't had the experience of a good man at home... And I think of it when I see young (and not so young) men who can't seem to make sense of their role in modern life.

.... there are so many fathers -- married fathers -- who, by any standard, are doing a terrific job. "They are very involved with their children, their marriages look pretty good, they respect their wives as equals -- they may be the best fathers we've ever had...But in terms of numbers, they are being swamped by families that don't have a father at all....

The thing we seem to be forgetting, Blankenhorn says, is that, as Bonhoeffer observed, marriage is more than a personal relationship between spouses. "It is," he says, "a social institution, with rules, public meaning and a story to tell. We used to know what married men were supposed to do -- less time out drinking with the boys, saving some money. Marriage was a status we graduated into, and it was bigger than we were. It defined us, and not the other way around."

Now, he says, we seem to be losing the institutional imperatives of marriage, leaving only the private relationship -- and that is increasingly likely to turn on such things as personal satisfaction...."

My own two cents...if one partner of the marriage doesn't take any responsibility for it, doesn't do anything to sustain it, then there is no marriage. (And that includes Terri Schiavo, which is why I have no problem with Michael finding another woman...) It doesn't matter if you came from an intact and functional family...you CANNOT predict how a young man (or woman, to be fair, but until lately, it was the man) will react to the daily trials of marriage until he is put in the situation and displays how committed and mature he REALLY is (or not). If there is an even greater stress: a layoff, an illness, a disabled child, a death; most people and their marriages fall apart. I don't know what the historical trends are, but the present statistics are there in black and white. The institution of marriage is not just failing for lack of "personal satisfaction" although that may be the polite excuse for it. It is failing because too many people never develop any maturity and resilience and honesty and commitment and respect for their marriage partner. There is no two-way emotional link to sustain the couple. One partner is a dead weight (if not both). End sermon.

[peacebird]

1. people are expecting *fireworks* all the time...

hot sex, etc.

Let's face it - all relationships ebb & flow like the tides. There are seasons of the heart as well as seasons of the year. In order for a relationship to last, both parties have to view love as a commitment NOT an emotion. Not a feeling. That is lust, and lust is a great thing btw!

Even after 12 years my hubby and I can still find lust - the embers are still here they just need to be tended to once in a while.

But our marriage has survived not because of the emotion of "love" but because we know our love is a commitment. Sometimes we haven't particularly LIKED each other, some times we are furious (and yes - we HAVE gone to bed MAD, once for much longer than I would like to admit)

But we didn't give up, and we came back full circle.

Relationships are hard work, that's the simple truth. But they are worth it in the end. Too many people want the easy way, and give up when the going gets rough.