If you're not 100% sure of your relationship DON'T GET MARRIED!

[Taverner]

Free advice: If there are any nagging problems in your relationsip with the significant other - PUT OFF THE WEDDING PLANS!

Things will only get worse, not better. Problems NEVER work themselves out, and it's much tougher to work them out after you get married than before. If there's something bothering you now - stop right now, do not pass go, do not collect $200!

Trust me...I am there and wish I would have followed this advice before hand. We were never meant to live this long, so to expect a marriage to surive as long as we do is unrealistic. It can be done, but it's rare and lots of work. So the best you can do is prevent a bad marriage in the first place and either work out the details first, or pass it up.

So if you're "madly in love" beware! Don't listen to your heart, listen to your reasoning and if you haven't lived with that person first do it for at least a year. And if you have nagging issues remember THEY WILL NOT GO AWAY! They only get worse.

Oh and don't even THINK procreating will solve the problem. THEY WILL NOT MAKE IT BETTER!

P.S. This is not a sympathy thread, just a warning to anyone else out there so that this mistake doesn't get repeated.

[trumad]

1. Been married 11 years and I'm still not sure...

I believe there's no criteria to a successful marriage... It just happens...

[VelmaD]

2. Oh honey

:hug:

I'm sorry.

I'm home and online if you need to talk.

[laruemtt]

3. taverner, i sure can't pretend

to know specifically what you're going through, but i hope you find some comfort in knowing you've got lots of company out here.....

[Wapsie B]

4. I know

absolutely how you feel. It's better to remain single than make a mistake like this, especially when you bring kids into the world. There's one thing about being afraid of committment, and totally another about making what could be the worst mistake of your life.

[musiclawyer]

5. Good Luck

I have been in your shoes. I even wrote a song about it. www.garageband.com/artist/tallinndefiant The song is called "Instruction Manual" Things will get better. Make it a priority to teach your kids, when they are ready, about the stuff you know now.

[latebloomer]

6. Marriage is not for sissies

Falling "in Love" is miraculous. However, when the snow melts, you can see the dogshit, as my husband so elegantly expresses it. And everyone brings a big load of shit-heavy baggage.

Couple's therapy saved my marriage. We have been in it off and on for 9 years. Doin much much better now, but still seem to need that weekly forum, with an objective outsider to help us wrangle it out.

[cally]

7. Honesty time

21 years later and I'm still somewhat pissed about how our marriage ceremony turned out. That doesn't reflect well on me but it's true. What I have learned is that the ceremony does not predict your marriage. You have a wonderful child and just look forward.

[Maestro]

8. I'm one of the lucky ones I suppose

I met my wife in 1990. After two engagement of which she backed out on, I told her that if I were still around she would have to propose. She did in front of 45,000 people at a Texas Rangers baseball game the same night O.J. Simpson made is futile escape from police. We have had our ups and downs most assuredly. We even recently had some counseling together. But we have strong relationship with two wonderful kids and a nice house. It takes work, but it can be done.

[SarahB]

9. Did I just write this?

Can I also add don't get married under 25, especially to someone who's older? You really are in two different places and the younger one still has a lot of changing to do.

I hear you, I completely understand, and for lack a better cliche...I feel your pain. You can try counseling, which is what we're doing about 12 or 13 years too late. We're better friends in a sense now, with common goals, but the spark is pretty gone on my part, and it was a too small of one to start and I've wondered for a long time if it's enough to last a lifetime. So much stuff. So very much. It's hard. I know. I'm sorry.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
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:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[put out]

10. 100% sure? 100% sure?

Oh, I am sorry your situation is not good. Gutting it out for years is not good.

So, where do you draw the line between what seems like a very good match, very similar politics, goals, libidos (libidi?), and some basic personality differences? How much to chalk up to gender? Do you wait for perfect? Are you perfect? Do you make a leap of faith?

And, when you have made that commitment, where do you draw the line between an unsatisfying relationship (for both), emotional distance, much too much fighting, and a dearly loved child, occasional bouts of depression for both partners, supported by the other, all the warts exposed and mostly accepted, and some genuine moments of inspired hilarity and affection? Do you abandon ship?

I surely don't know. I wish I had; I wish I did. I certainly wish better for you. If you find the secret, let us in on it.

[Interrobang]

11. I am *so* there.

Seriously considering putting it all on hold with my fiance, as I can't imagine waking up next to *anyone* for the next 50 years, and, truthfully, I don't know how anyone *else* does it, either! (Don't y'all get bored?!?!)

My fiance's pretty high-maintenance, too, and I have enough problems in my life without having to help someone else over rough spots that they can't handle. Besides which, I'm getting the sneaking suspicion that he's *looking* for someone to be dependent on, and I don't like that idea one bit.

Could someone please define "commitment" as it pertains to relationships anyway? People sling that word around so much I think it's lost any and all meaning.

[Taverner]

13. Well I have done my work then

I can sleep tonight

[Skittles]

12. no one is EVER 100% sure of their relationship

EVER

[NewHampster]

14. I'm still not sure after 30 years with the same redhead

Except I still love Redheads.

[Van Helsing]

15. I don't have to worry about that...

I won't be getting married until at least another 10 years. :)

[harrison]

16. I have been married for 23 years. I have done the counseling thing

but sometimes it just doesn't work. Not long after I got married, I realized it was a mistake. However, six months into the marriage, we got pregnant, and I have hung in there for the kids. Without the kids, I would have fled a long time ago. But I have received counseling through the years in an attempt to manage things.

I would say that if a person is unable to be deal level honest - painfully honest- with the other person, then it is going to be a rough ride.

Also, I would say that in every marriage, one party is more "aware" than the other party. That is speaking generally, of course, but the "aware" person seems to be the one who gets more frustrated because he or she wants something deeper in the marriage, and the "unaware" person just doesn't seem to "get it."

I have known people who said that when they were literally walking down the aisle, they knew deep down that they were making a mistake, but did it anyway.

[SarahB]

17. Wow!

You've got 10 years on me here and your words really hit me (sorry, if I'm slightly threadjacking here). That painfully honest thing is so true though, but without it, it's not possible. A lot to the whole "aware" thing as well. I guess I don't know what else to say except that your post makes a lot of sense and gave me something to think about. Thank you for writing it. :)

[harrison]

18. Well, I am glad that my up and down roller coaster ride has some

benefit for someone. By the way, I am serious considering leaving in the next few months. I have one kid gone and another in high school, and I just can't see myself living the rest of my life this way.

I intend to have some life before I check out of here (assuming that I get my three score and ten years).

And not to sound too obvious, but it seems to me that if the sex is good, then chances are the marriage is going to be good. And for the sex to be good requires both parties to be open and vulnerable to one another.

If one party is prudish and the other party is open and vulnerable, that doesn't work too well either.

Anyway, I have learned a lot - the hard way. I could write a book.

[Samurai_Writer]

19. I can completely relate...

To what you wrote:

"I have known people who said that when they were literally walking down the aisle, they knew deep down that they were making a mistake, but did it anyway."

That is exactly how I felt when I got married the second time. The night before I was sitting there wondering why the hell I was going through with it. I should have listened to my instincts, as the marriage was a disaster, and my ex turned out to be a pathological liar and multiple-cheater.

What it comes down to, is listen to that still, small voice. That gut instinct. It's usually right. Took me 35 years to figure that one out.