tell the best kid joke you remember from when you were a kid

[Bertha Venation]

They may be lousy jokes to adults, but when we were kids they cracked us up.

Here's mine:

Why did the chicken cross the road halfway, then stop & turn around & go back?

Because Colonel Sanders was on the other side.

Your turn!

[greatauntoftriplets]

1. Knock knock.

Who's there?

Madame.

Madame who?

Ma damn car broke down.

That was from when I was VERY young.

[Dookus]

2. mine -

Q: What's black and white and black and white and black and white...?
A: A nun falling down the stairs

Q: What's black and white and laughs?
A: The nun that pushed her.

[Shananigans]

4. That is SO my joke!

Before I even read yours I was going to post this one! It's the only joke I remember from when I was younger!

Great minds think alike!

[Teddy_Salad]

3. Okay

Once upon a time there was an Irishman an Englishman and an Australian who decided to have a competition.

While on the top of a hill, each man had to throw his watch in the air, run down the hill and catch it before it hit the ground.

So the Irishman threw his watch in the air, ran down the hill and splat!... the watch hit the ground.
Then the Englishman chucked his watch in the air, ran down the hill and splat!... the watch hit the ground.
Next the Australian threw his watch in the air, ran down the hill, went to the pub and had a beer, went and did his grocery shopping, came back and caught his watch.

"How did you do that?" asked the Irishman.

"Easy", replies the Australian. "My watch is an hour slow."

BOOM! BOOM!

[Sticky]

8. Blast from the past....

Q. What did the big stove pipe say to the little stove pipe?
A. You're too young to smoke.

I was 5 and thought this joke was hysterical. Actually I'm smiling thinking about it right now. :-)

[Burma Jones]

5. A Lady goes shopping at a Drug Store for Aspirin

She gets on the Bus, but has forgotten her Aspirins. She starts Shouting, "MY ASPIRINS, MY ASPIRINS, MY ASPIRINS" to which the Bus Driver replies, "If your Ass burns Lady, stick it out the window."

[Name removed]

6. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Misunderestimator]

23. I'm so sorry I just read that n/t

[pnorman]

7. Knock knock!

Who's there?
Agah.
Agah who?
Agah fuggyerself!!

That one cracked me up as a kid, and it still brings a smile to my lips. (Like right now as I'm plinking away at this keyboard).

pnorman

[ornotna]

9. What do you get when you cross an elephant with peanut butter?

An elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth. :bounce:

[CO Liberal]

10. "Knock Knock!"

"Who's there?"

"I Love You."

"I Love You Who?"

"So does Yogi Berra!"

(For those who don't remember, Yogi Berra used to do Yoo-Hoo commercials back in the '60s.)

[Caution]

11. my favorite

What's black and white and red and can't get through a revolving door?

A nun with a spear through her head.

[mkultra]

12. Why was six afraid of seven

because seven ate nine

[VelmaD]

34. What did 0 say to 8?

Nice belt. :)

[Mr. McD]

13. When is a door not a door?

When it is ajar.:)

[CO Liberal]

19. What's Purple and Goes "Slam-Slam-Slam-Slam"??

A four-door grape.

:-)

[Snow]

42. Ooooh, yes! Grape jokes! What's big and purple & hates Captain Ahab?

Moby Grape!

Ever notice, by the way, how little kids learn all the same silly riddles we learned 50 years ago as little kids? Very strange. Probably make somebody a good anthropology PhD dissertation.

[mitchum]

14. There was this guy named Johnny Fuckerfaster...

[BringEmOn]

28. Did he know Dr. Bennett?

First jokes I remember...of course, they were dirty..

[Gildor Inglorion]

15. How do you stop a stampeding elephant?

Cut his stampeder off!

I still think it's hilarious.

[Triple H]

16. How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it! (dumb--throws tomatoes at self :evilgrin:)

[blondeatlast]

17. Got a great knock-knock joke!

You start...

:evilgrin:

Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?

So she could hide in the cherry tree!

As it happens, the Blondelet and I had dinner with Gramma and Auntie 2 tonight, and he was cracking us up with jokes (we're easy, I'll admit!). I taught him there two just tomight.

[Skittles]

18. If you tell me how many chickens I have in this bag

I'll give you both of them.

"Three".

NO FAIR, YOU LOOKED IN THE BAG.

I think it's an Aggie joke. :D

[Laszlo_Hollyfeld]

20. Q. How do you get an elephant out of a tree?

A. Have him climb on a leaf and wait for autumn.

Q. How do you get an elephant INTO a tree?

A. Have him sit on an acorn and wait for spring.

[Bertha Venation]

21. kick

More! These (all but one anyway) are perfect for the thread, exactly what I was hoping for!

[Kookaburra]

22. What do you call a broken boomerang?

Stick.

[Bunny]

24. What's green and sings?

Elvis Parsley!

***snarf*** Gets me every time!

[BarbaRosa]

25. A joke and a poem from way back

What would you have if everyone bought a white car. A white carnation.

One bright day in the middle of the night, two dead boys got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other. If you do not believe this lie is true, ask the blind man, he saw it too.

on edit: got a word wrong

[bmbmd]

26. How about a song?

I still catch myself singing "Walkin' down Canal street, knockin on every door".....

[SCDem]

27. What did the fish say when he hit a wall?

What did the fish say when he hit a wall?

Dam.

That joke still brings tears to my eyes... I love it!

[BringEmOn]

29. Reminds me....

Kid joke....What did the stream say when the elephant sat down in it?

Well, I'll be dammed.

[Teddy_Salad]

41. I like that!

:)

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

30. Elephants!

Me: What did Tarzan say when he saw an elephant coming down the hill?
You: I don't know.
Me: He said, "hey, there's an elephant coming down the hill." Now, what did he say when he saw an elephant coming down the hill and wearing sunglasses?
You: "Hey, there's an elephant coming down the hill and wearing sunglasses."
Me: No, silly. He didn't recognize it.

* * *

Q. How do you pass an elephant under a door?
A. Put it in an envelope.

Q. What if it won't pass?
A. Take away the stamp.

* * *

Me: Have you ever seen an elephant hide behind a sunflower?
You: No.
Me: See, how good they are at hiding?

[sniffa]

31. one day in mexico

there was a mexican merchant who soLd cheese at the farmer's market. one day he got up as usuaL and began setting up shop. he roLLed a Large baLL of cheese from his home to his stand and returned home for the next baLL of cheese. a thief came aLong and ran off his baLL of cheese. the merchant ran after him shouting, "stop! that's nacho cheese! that's nacho cheese!" (not your cheese)

[furrylitldevil]

32. What sits on the bottom of the sea and twitches?

A nervous wreck!

Hey-Oh!

[BigMcLargehuge]

33. this is a long one

Disclaimer: I'm of Portuguese Ancestry, so virtually all the jokes I learned I first learned in Portuguese, and almost all of them dealt with dumb people who were also Portuguese (or Portuguese people who were also dumb, take your pick). At any rate this one is more of a linguistic joke.

Manny Souza arrives from the old country on a steamship in 1913 to work in the textile mills of New Bedford. He speaks no English, and some partally bilingual folks on the ship teach him how to order breakfast once he gets to America. They teach him to say "Oatmeal".

Fast forward five years.

Manny works at the Berkshire Hathaway mill running a loom, lives in "Little Faial" off County Street, and still speaks no English other than "Oatmeal". Every Sunday morning, after taking the bus to Church, he stops in at the Brooklawn Diner for a late breakfast, and every week he orders the same thing, the only thing he can speak in English. "Oatmeal".

While waiting for the bus after Church one Sunday a new family of communicants asks if there is anyplace around to get a bite to eat. Manny explains that he always goes to Brooklawn Diner. When they family asks if the food is any good, Manny explains that he doesn't really know because all he's ever ordered is "Oatmeal" because that's all he can say in English.

Well, the eldest daughter of this family is bilingual and, taking pity on Manny, teaches him to say "Baconaneggs" so he can have something different than Oatmeal for Sunday breakfast.

Manny is so happy he can barely sit still during the bus ride to the Brooklawn Diner. Once inside, Mabel, the waitress who's been a fixture of the place for at least twenty years, welcomes her regular Sunday morning customer. "Morning Manny," she says, "oatmeal today?"

Manny waves his hand, "Baconaneggs" he pronouces proudly.

"Something new today Manny? Great. How do you want the eggs, sunny side up, down, scrambled, over light, poached, soft or hard boiled?"

Manny thinks for a minute, and answers "Oatmeal".

[sniffa]

36. manny jokes

q: what do you caLL a portaguese midget?
a: pocket manueL.

q: what do you caLL a portaguese beach bum?
a: manny santose (sand toes).

q: what do you caLL a portaguese man who sLeeps in his vehicLe?
a: manny cardoza (car dozer).

[BigMcLargehuge]

37. yep, I remember all of those

LOL.

[VelmaD]

35. Why do green lights turn red?

You'd turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street. :)

[Beware the Beast Man]

38. What's brown & sits on a piano stool?

Beethoven's fifth movement!!

[GumboYaYa]

39. What do you call someone else's cheese?

Nacho Cheese.

My daughter loves that one.

[Rhiannon12866]

40. Great idea for a thread!!!

Okay, this cracked me up when I was about 12. And I am a dog-lover.

Farmer 1: "Shot my dog."

Farmer 2: "Was he mad?"

Farmer 1: "Wasn't too durn pleased."

Also, this stupid one.

Q. What's green and jumps from bed to bed?

A. A prostetoad.

My friends and I chuckled endlessly over that one.:shrug:

[skypilot]

43. What did the ghost say to the bee?

BOOBY!!!

It's funnier to just hear it rather than seeing it written out.

[worst]

44. OK, so a lady opens her refrigerator door......

to find a rabbit reclining inside.

Lady: Rabbit, what are you doing in my refrigerator?

Rabbit: This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?

Lady: Oh, yes! Why?

Rabbit: Well, I'm just Westing!

[Shakespeare]

45. I CAN'T BELIEVE nobody listed the "interrupting cow" joke!

Knock-knock

Who's there?

Interrupting cow.

Interrupting cow wh---

(interrupting, of course) MOOOOO!

Kids find this one HILARIOUS....and, even as an adult, so do I.

Google the joke and behold its cult-like status.

[U of M Dem 07]

46. That's definitely my favorite one

i CRACKED UP just reading it... :D

[SaveElmer]

47. And another..."Knock, Knock"

Who's there ?

Dwayne

Dwayne Who ?

"Dwayne the bathtub I'm dwowning"

[sleepyhead]

48. knock knock

Who's there?
Little old lady
Little old lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel!

[BlueJazz]

49. From my warped childhood

Who is Super-Chickens alter Ego?........Cluck-Kent

What do you call a cow with no legs?....Ground Beef

Who directs the Salmon to go upstream?.......The Offishers (officers)

What would be the name of Radicalliberal (me) if he had no arms and legs and you hung him on your wall?.....Art

What if he fell in a swimming pool?........Bob

What if you put him outside your door?.......Mat

What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?.......ILean

What do you call a Chinese girl with one leg shorter than the other? Irene