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J - I've never been one of the "bash jiacinto" posters on this site, and you probably don't even know who I am, since I don't post often enough to reflect the amount of time actually spend on these boards - but - (and it's a small but, as I am still not going to bash ya)
Your problem is that you are immersed in the negative, my friend.
5 years ago things weren't going well for me. I was sick, and off work for 4 months. I ended up living the cliche - parent's basement, the whole 9 yards. Doctors were frustrating me because they weren't giving me any answers, family was frustrating me because they weren't acknowledging the fact that I was ill (they claimed me to be lazy), finances were frustrating me because I didn't HAVE any. I never left the house (rarely left the basement, be it for the occasional bathroom trip), and I was full up, fed up.
An opportunity arose for me to move to WA - an aquaintance I had online said if I ever moved out, she'd rent me a room until I got my own place. She lined up a job for me, and everything was set.
I packed myself and my 3 kitties in my van and headed to WA, from Michigan - alone. I was very excited about starting anew - new life, new friends, and new opportunities.
I had the best summer of my LIFE when I was moving here - I took 5 weeks, seeing the country along the way. When I arrived in WA I was tingling with anticipation, ready for anything, and excited about being here.
That didn't last long.
The roommate didn't like that I wasn't an easy mark for conversion to Christianity. She had nothing good to say about me. I worked for her family's restaurant when I first got here - the customers loved me, my coworkers and roommates family reduced me to TEARS on more than one occasion. They fired me for no reason, and since it was winter I took a seasonal job at a ski resort. I would get up every morning at 4 am to check the weather, if it was bad I'd stay up and dig the car out to prepare for a treacherous drive up the mountain, if it wasn't so bad I'd go back to sleep until 5. I wouldn't get home until 8pm or later every night. On my days off, I'd sleep until 12ish to catch up on sleep, and my roommate told everyone I was lazy because I slept so late.
I was planning to save up money and get a place on my own in August. In early March I was informed that I had until April 1st to move.
I had never experienced the type of rudeness or total lack of interest in others that I have experienced here in WA. I was miserable, and alone. Everyone that loves me, that truly knows me and appreciates me is 2500 miles away.
I ended up securing a roommate from another state - a man I was interested in, but above all thought a good friend. I rented a large house, and prepared for him to join me here. Shortly before my employment at the resort ended, and I got a job bartending in a tiny little small town bar. Another nightmare, on both counts.
Bartending - again, the customers loved me, the owners went out of their way to be rude to me. I was told by other employees and customers that the owners were consistantly offering my job to anyone they thought would take it so they could fire me. No one could understand why - there were only 2 of us bartenders, and I was the HONEST one - the one that would not give drinks away for free so I'd get better tips, the one that never called in sick, the one that bent over backwards to help them. My roommate begged me consistantly to quit, and I finally did when I felt like I was a hair away from being fired anyway. Put in my 2 weeks, thinking that would give me a little income and time to find a job. After 2 days, they called me and told me not to bother showing up as I had been replaced.
I sent out resumes to places that sounded good to work, no replies. Sent out resumes to places that would be tolerable. No replies. Went thru the phone book and sent resumes to everything from Burger King to janitorial. The ONLY place that called after 3 months of NO JOB was Dairy Queen. I took it as I had no alternative.
The guy roommate went from bad to worse. Utterly controlling, violent temper, no consideration, begging me for sex 24 hours a DAY, and making 6x the money I was, all while beating me over the head about it.
I used to sit in a chair at night and almost cry over what I had been reduced to. Working at Dairy Queen - making only enough money to pay my half of the rent and utilites, with a tiny amount left over to buy dried beans and rice. If the roommate bought me anything I was beaten over the head about it. If I tried to get away from his abuse by going to my room he'd follow and kick the door in. I couldn't do ANYTHING about my situation. I couldn't kick him out because I didn't have any the money to pay the expenses myself. I couldn't leave because I had no where to go and no money.
After a year of that, I landed a decent job. I asked the roommate to move out (more drama ensued over that, I assure you) and I now live by myself in relative peace. Things are still quite difficult and I often find myself overwhelmed, but it ain't so bad. I've SEEN bad, I've lived it for most of my life - this isn't too bad.
I still don't have friends like I have in Michigan, and that's okay. My friends in MI are still there for me, and while I'd like those kinds of relationships here I can live without them, for the time being.
One thing I learned by packing up and moving so far by myself is that I CAN. I can DO it! Just like I packed up and came here, I CAN pack up and go back. Someday, I probably will. For the moment, however, I owe it to myself to exhaust whatever opportunities I may have here, or that may be awaiting me. All the negative aside, this has been one hell of a learning experience.
I guess that's what my point to you with this cliff notes version of my situation is. Take advantage of where you are and what you are doing NOW, while you can. Don't get hung up on the negatives, actively seek out the positives. You can go back, you can leave - but you owe it to yourself to explore your situation to it's fullest potential first. Life is funny about throwing you into impossible situations - and you always, in retrospect, realize that things weren't so impossible after all. Just when you think things can't get any worse, they do. And just when you thing things will never get better - THEY DO.
Things do get better, j.
I leave you with one last crucial bit of advice - cliche, but so important and true. The world is your mirror! They way you are looking at life is exactly how life will be reflected back at you. Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how YOU view what happens to you. You have been given an opportunity for learning, and for growth. It's yours - use it wisely!
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