Advice on Relationships and Anxiety for a socially-awkward College Student

[liberalpragmatist]

I’m a 19 year old guy. My entire romantic experience consists of a couple VERY short relationships in high school that never went anywhere and ended in a matter of two weeks in one case and three in the other.

At 19 I’ve never had a relationship and I there’s none on the horizon. What bothers me is that I have this terrible ambivalence about it. On one level I really do want a relationship, especially when a number of my friends have long-term boyfriends or girlfriends. On another level though I just want to be left alone.

At 19 I’ve never even really “made out” – all I’ve exchanged have been a few tense kisses in the aforementioned relationships that never went anywhere (along with one instance in a truth-or-dare game from my sophomore year in high school).

I limit myself with my indecision. I never know when to make a pass at a girl. As someone who is extremely self-conscious and leery of offending others I’m afraid to make any move because I worry that someone is going to take it the wrong way or react negatively. I don’t want to hurt anyone or make them uncomfortable. Yet my head tells me that I’ll never get anywhere if I’m not willing to put up with at least some misunderstandings and awkward moments.

Another thing limiting my romantic experience is that I’m not really into random hook-ups. That’s a big thing at college and in high school too. It’s not something that interests me. Of course, I’d love to have sex – I’m really not interested in remaining a virgin too much longer. But I’m looking for a relationship more than a random hook-up and I figure that if I have a good relationship the sex will come.

The funny thing about all of this is that I’m not a loner-type. I’m quite social, have a number of friends, and I’m not awkward around girls in general. I consider myself pretty good-looking, or at least my face is, even if my build may be kind of slight. I’m talkative, have a pretty good wit, enjoy going out and doing things, and have a number of very good friends who are girls.

That itself may be part of the problem. I’ve never had that many girls express interest in me. Of course it could very well be that I’m unable to recognize the signals, especially considering that most of the girls I hang out with aren’t the flirty type and aren’t ever really overt in their signals on anything – more enigmatic than anything else. However, I still don’t think a lot of them have expressed interest in me because they’re often good friends with me. About a year back, some of my friends who were girls told me, trying to compliment me, that I was their “straight-gay friend.” They said I listen more than most other guys and I enjoy things like theatre, culture, and interesting cuisine that most guys don’t (although I still detest shopping).

Understandably, I didn’t exactly take the characterization of “straight-gay friend” that well. I appreciate the sentiment but it seemed to strike me that women liked me as a friend but didn’t want to date me.

Above all, I hate playing games. I don’t like having to guess other people’s intentions.

Part of my problem is that I approach everything – not just relationships – with a lot of self-doubt. I’m never quite sure what it is I want until after the fact. I always tie myself up with hypotheticals and become obsessed with all the “downsides” to anyone or anything (as in jobs or clubs). It’s like when push comes to shove I’m happier with the status quo. With women it seems like I have this ideal of a perfect match and I can never recognize until it’s too late that someone may be a good match for me because at the time they don’t appear to be that “ideal match” that I have in mind.

Any advice?

[steve2470]

1. I feel for ya. To be perfectly honest, you will get some great

ideas here, and I'd beat a path to your closest counseling center. They're in the phone book under "mental health", counseling, psychologist, marriage counseling, things like that. You will have to spend some $ on copays and such, but it's worth its weight in gold for someone in your situation. PM if you have a more specific question on how to find a good therapist/counselor.

[NC_Nurse]

2. Most of the problems we have in starting/continuing relationships

are based in our family of origin. The relationships you had with your parents and what impression you had of their relationship. I would look into that with a therapist or read some books on it. I recommend Harville Hendrix's books. The one for singles is called "Keeping the Love you Find". There are other good ones I'm sure. It's all about your childhood, I'm afraid, and what decisions you made to get by and not get hurt in your family. At least, that's been my experience.

The good news is, You are REALLY young and have plenty of time to figure it out and decide what you want. Good luck! :)

[bugslsu9]

3. I was all of my girl friends' big brother

Throughout college. It's tough, especially when you see them dating guys that are complete asses. I was the only one in my group of friends who didn't have an S.O., but I was also very social. Well, I am now 27 and have been married to an absolutely wonderful woman for 6 months.

Believe me, as a guy who was in the same situation as you, you will find someone. I know that is not the easiest thing to hear, I know I hated it, but if you want it, it will happen. Just please, please be yourself. Don't turn into one of those guys who disrespects women, because, from reading your post, it simply isn't you. Have faith, patience, and a bit of self-confidence (trust me, it took a long time for me to get there), and everything will work out.

[dean_dem]

4. I'm not going to get all old-know-it-all on here....

because I'm only 24, but dude...you're 19. 19 is not the time to be thinking about "long-term" relationships. Hey, 24 isn't time either.

Ambivalence about getting hitched at 19 is probably pretty healthy. Try living your life instead of worrying about having to find someone. Enjoy doing what you want to do, whether its getting through school, pursuing your interests, or just getting your own life straight. This is the time you're supposed to be enjoying your own life, not giving it to someone else. Really, its not like you're fourty years old and living in your mothers basement, in which casen you might have cause to be desperate. But at 19 you're just giving yourself an unnecessary headache worrying about that kind of thing.

But that's just my opinion.

[liberalpragmatist]

5. Well by relationships I don't mean getting hitched

I mean just having someone with whom I can be close. I'm not talking about marriage or settling down anytime soon. What I mean is a serious dating relationship.

[gollygee]

6. Ask out more women

:D Sounds simple, eh?

Some will say no, but some will say yes. Don't look at every girl you ask out as a potential life mate. Just ask her out and have a good time. If it leads to a second date, great; if not then move on to someone else.

Ask out lots of young women and take one date at a time. Women get freaked out by guys who start talking about long-term stuff on the first date too.

[liberalpragmatist]

7. Well, yeah - I wouldn't immediately think of long-term relationships

On a first or second date.

I've been telling myself I should start asking girls out more. I do find it uncomfortable but I've always felt I'd prefer getting involved with someone I already knew and had gotten to know. But I realize that while that may happen I can't bank on it and I may have to show a little initiative and get out more.

[gollygee]

10. Feel free to ask out girls you don't know

Even if they say no, they'll have a smile on their faces because you were interested.

You don't have to consider a first date "getting involved." It's just getting to know someone. When I was single I was asked out by strangers while buying groceries, while rollerblading at the park, standing in line to vote, etc. I didn't always say yes but I did enough of the time.

In fact, it might be even easier to ask out someone you don't know because it won't be awkward later if she turns you down.

[fudge stripe cookays]

8. Are you in college?

For electives in school, take classes you really enjoy. You will do well in stuff you're interested in.

When you walk into class, don't make it obvious, but find a girl you're attracted to, and sit near her, like it's no big thing. It's just the chair you headed for.

Maybe one day, ask to borrow a pen or something. Act like you might be confused by something, and after class as you're walking out, ask her if she understood what the prof was saying about "x." If she responds with something other than a monosyllable, you have an opportunity for a decent classmate type friendship. These small conversations can add up.

If you get to be better friends, maybe you can broaden it to study partners. Try the "You know, I REALLY don't know if I'm ready for this test. How about you?" If she says "Gosh no, I'm really stymied by these formulas," see if she's up for it. Try for the library.

If that works well, make it more casual the next time, and before the next test, meet at your place. When she comes over, offer her a drink: "Well, let's see. I've got Diet Coke, water, coffee, or hey...I even have a bottle of kahlua my brother just brought back from the border during spring break!" Maybe she'll be up for it.

Casual is the way to go here. College is a perfect opportunity for hooking up, but making it not look obvious. You're all thrown together for an education. At least make it enjoyable!

Don't worry. Everyone's nervous at your age. Just starting to get out on your own, and still a little unsure. No matter how confident everyone looks, you're all in the same boat. Don't be intimidated. And it's such a great adventure. It's a great age to be.

Good luck!
FSC

[jswordy]

9. Relax and don't worry about a thing!

I would not give it another thought. I have read your post twice, and you are just the right type of guy who will find someone who loves you for you, and who will be loyal and loving in return -- WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT!

Meanwhile, enjoy yourself and your freedom. Don't be in a rush to get in a relationship. When the time is right and the person is right, you will know it, don't fret about that. It's not worth the angst, because the fact is you will make some lucky person very, very happy one day. And she will do the same for you.

You're a catch! Because you desire the things most important to long-term relationships. If you just put it entirely out of your mind as far as worrying about it, you will find the self-doubt diminishes. Be confident you will find someone when the time is right, and she will find you, and act in that way.

Trust me, there are a lot more men out there like you than it generally appears, especially given the way society plays up certain behaviors as "normal" that really aren't that prevalent. Don't worry about "signals" and "playing games," and try to be really good friends with the girls you know first. If it's in the cards, you will be surprised how quickly love will blossom WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT.

Plus you get the added benefit of not getting herpes, syphillis, gonorrhea, AIDS, genital warts or some other STD from casual sexual encounters. So be cool about it. Everything is fine.

[EC]

11. Well, it looks as though you have already assessed your

problems. So find ways to not be so limiting and indecisive. If as you say you are already very social, stop looking for love, let it happen. The next time you are somewhere and having a good conversation or getting along with a girl, ask her to go for coffee, or lunch or something lightweight first and work from there. Be a people watcher. I used to be very shy, to get over it, I forced myself to take a sales job, where I would be forced to talk to people and be "nice". This also allowed me to watch people and realize, they all have fears and doubts...I noticed in college most people walked down the halls looking down at the floor and not putting themselves out there, why? Anyway, take the leap, stop looking for a certain type and be a bit bold, stop being afraid to offend, use the golden rule, if something will not offend you, why would it someone else?

[tsakshaug]

12. sounds like me

I was where you were 25 (yikes!) years ago, I remember overhearing a friend desctibe me as "harmless". I remember seeing girls who were friends of mine going out with jerks and then come to me to cry about how he was treating them. I too had trouble figuring all that out. Eventually some of the women will grow up and no longer look to go out with the jerks, this may take some time-ever think of looking at women a few years older than you?
I eventually started dating a friend and it worked out well (for 20 years until she went through some life changes but that is not for here)
I then went out with another friend of a friend and here I am married agian.
It is tough to hear, but it will happen. As someone suggested ( and Dear Abby too) do stuff you like doing and meet the people there...you never know

[liberalpragmatist]

13. Kicking this for the evening lounge lizards

:kick:

[Dastard Stepchild]

14. I'm confused...

Not in a bad way, just a point of clarification, please. :)
You mention your feelings of self-doubt and that you're not sure what you want, but then you mention that you have an ideal match in mind.
So then, you do know what you want? Or you don't? :)

[liberalpragmatist]

15. Well..

It's like it takes me awhile to realize that I want someone (usually when it's too late) partly because I'm somewhat blocked by what I perceive to be my sort of subconscious "ideal" match. Does that make any sense?

[Dastard Stepchild]

16. That's interesting...

So you hang with the ladies for a bit, not thinking about it much until one day you realize that you could be attracted to said lady... at which point she is already involved/disinterested/etc...

Hmmm....I recall encountering that in friends. Probably in myself as well, if I stop to think about it. I always chalked it up to knowing what I wanted and not really dating just for dating's sake. Perhaps that may be a part of what is going on for you.

Errr... I don't give very good dating advice. Curiousity brought me to this thread, but I'm never helpful in the ol' love department. :)

[Lydia Leftcoast]

17. If you're as you describe yourself, your day will come

More mature women appreciate a man who knows something besides work and sports.

In the meantime, ask a platonic female friend (someone you're not interested in dating) about how you come across to women.

When I was in college and grad school, I knew men who had no idea that women were lusting after them right and left because they had this idea in their heads that they had to match some mass media image in order to attract female attention. They were indeed weird looking, but in an attractive, compelling way.

Maybe you need to take time out to observe couples flirting. If a woman starts acting that way with you, first make sure that she's not an all-around flirt, because flirting from that type means nothing--it's just their normal way of acting around any creature with Y chromosomes. But if she's normally a non-flirt and starts flirting with you, that's a sign of interest. Watch the eyes (wicked glints will appear) and the gestures. She may find excuses to get up close to you or touch you. Above all, watch for indications that she is treating you differently from the way she treats the other guys.

About flirting--on rare occasions, you'll really "catch" each other and become kind of spontaneous comedy team. There's relationship potential there.

If a woman starts hinting around about going to some event and gives you significant glances, she may be fishing for a date. This is your cue.

You do not have to have an elaborate evening planned out. You just need to indicate your interest in spending time with her.

Random thoughts of a long-time observer of the campus romantic scene, both as student and as professor.