And now.....a tasteless joke for your Monday pleasure

[Debi]

ONE OF THOSE DAYS!

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained, It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and
demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, Now,just a minute, listen to my side of it.

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.

He continued, Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.

[4morewars]

1. Hey-OHHHH !!!!!!!

How do you tell the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer ?


















The rectal thermometer tastes like shit !

[Debi]

6. Thank you

and at lunch time as well :puke:

[WilliamPitt]

2. Horse walks into a bar

Bartender asks...
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..."Why the long face?"

[Debi]

7. Two peanuts are walking down the street

one was a-salted. :rofl:

[MissMillie]

3. a naked blonde woman walks into a bar w/ a poodle under her arm

The bartender says, "what is this, some kind of a joke?"

[Debi]

5. Love it

:loveya:

[BOSSHOG]

4. A conservative got incest and arson mixed up

and set fire to his daughter.

[Debi]

8. BOOOOO

:evilgrin:

[underpants]

9. Mushroom walks into a bar

Bartender says "we don't serve your kind in here"

Mushroom says "Why not? I'm a FUN-GUY!!"

[Debi]

10. Piece of rope walks in to a bar

Bartender says "we don't serve rope in here"

Rope walks outside ties himself up and messes his hair.

Walks back in to the bar

Bartender says "Aren't you the rope i just refused to serve?"

Rope says, "No - I'm a frayed knot"

[edbermac]

11. What is a dentist's favorite musical instrument?

A tuba toothpaste.

:rofl:

[edbermac]

12. Two hydrogens are walking along a street...

The first one says, "Hey! I think I lost an electron!"

The second one replies, "Are you sure?"

The first one then says, "Yeah, I'm POSITIVE."

Cracks the folks up over at MIT...:rofl:

[Debi]

16. WAAAAAAY

Over my head and too much for a Monday! :)

[Abelman]

13. Two guys walk into a bar...

the third guy ducks.

[Debi]

18. I always heard that with nuns

Which made people ask "what"?

[Abelman]

20. Two guys walk into a nun?

I just don't see the humor!

:crazy:

[Debi]

23. Meany

:cry:

[Abelman]

25. There there

We can't all be hilarious. I took a workshop to learn this stuff, you know.

[Debi]

27. Dale Carnegie?

:shrug:

[Abelman]

30. I'm lost now

I have no clue what you're talking about.

[Debi]

31. How to Win Friends and Influence People

Carnegie, Dale (1888-1955), was a pioneer in public speaking and personality development. He became famous by showing others how to become successful. His book How to Win Friends and Influence People (1936) has sold more than 10 million copies and has been translated into many languages. His books became popular because of his illustrative stories and simple, well-phrased rules. Two of his most famous maxims are, "Believe that you will succeed, and you will," and "Learn to love, respect and enjoy other people." His other books include How to Stop Worrying and Start Living (1948). Toward the beginning of his career, Carnegie wrote Public Speaking and Influencing Men in Business (1931), which became a standard text.

[Abelman]

32. Now I know

and knowing is half the battle.

[Debi]

33. Admitting is the first step

Now you can start your recovery! :thumbsup:

[edbermac]

14. My wife is so dumb joke...

Three guys are sitting in a bar when the first guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and she doesn't have an automatic garage door."

The second guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she has a cellular phone antenna on her car and she doesn't even have a cellular phone."

The third guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries a purse full of rubbers and she doesn't even have a penis."

[Debi]

22. A duck walks into a pharmacy and asks

"Got any duck food"

Pharmacist says "get out of here this is a pharmacy, not a pet food store, we don't have any duck food"

Next day, duck walks into the pharmacy ans asks, "Got any duck food"

Pharmacist says "get out of here this is a pharmacy, not a pet food store, not a hardware store, we don't have any duck food"

Next day, duck walks into the pharmacy ans asks, "Got any duck food"

Pharmacist says "I already told you this is a pharmacy, we don't have duck food...if you come back in here I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor"

Next day, duck walks into the pharmacy ans asks, "Got any nails"

[Huckebein the Raven]

15. Thanks for the laugh

[Debi]

19. Got any good ones?

Or actually, bad ones?

[Huckebein the Raven]

21. Here's one:

Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a gorgeous young lady sits down at the other end and orders a martini. Stunned by her beauty, the two guys stare at her for a while, debating whether to approach her, when all of a sudden, she begins to cough, clutch her throat, and begin to turn blue (obviously in serious respiratory distress). One said to the other, "That there gal is having a bad time!"

The other agreed and said, "Think we should go help?" "You bet," said the first, and with that he ran over and said, "Can you speak?" She shook her head no. He then asked, "Can you breathe?" She again shook her head no. With that, he pulled up her skirt, pulled down the back of her panties and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.

At which point, the first Texan looked at his friend and exclaimed, "I guess that hind lick maneuver really does work.

:P

[Debi]

24. Maybe I should'nt have asked

:blush:

[Huckebein the Raven]

26. Maybe I shouldn't have posted that

I apologize

[Debi]

28. No, I giggled

I was just being sarcastic and forgot my sign.

Here....:sarcasm:

[Huckebein the Raven]

29. Oh ok

:)

[edbermac]

17. What did George W. Bush get on his SAT score?

Drool....

[Baclava]

34. Hmmmmmm

A MAN walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills... The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it!

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well... you pay ten dollars... and IF you pass three tests...you get all the money!!!"

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up! What are the three tests?" "Pay FIRST..." says the bartender... "Those are the rules." So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

"OK," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do...
FIRST: You have to drink that ENTIRE GALLON of pepper tequila...the WHOLE thing, all at ONCE... and you CAN'T make a face while doing it. SECOND: There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth...You have to REMOVE the tooth with your BARE HANDS...
THIRD: There's a 90 year-old woman upstairs who has NEVER reached orgasm during intercourse... You've gotta MAKE THINGS RIGHT for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my 10 bucks, but I'm not an IDIOT! I WON'T DO IT!!! You have to be NUTS to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those OTHER THINGS!!!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your MONEY stays where it is..."

The man has a few drinks then a few more. Finally, he asks, "WHERRRRE'S ZAAAAT TEQUIIIIIILA?!?!?!" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp.Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up. The people inside the bar hear a HUGE, NOISY SCUFFLE going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking. The guy screaming, the pit bull yelping, and then...SILENCE.

Just when they think the man SURELY must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large, bloody scratches all over his body.

"NOW!" he says, "WHERE'S THE OLD WOMAN WITH THE SORE TOOTH ?

[Debi]

35. Okay, I said tasteless, not disgusting

poor puppy :cry: