How do I get through to my mom that she is f-ing up big time ?

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

Ok here is the deal . Number I know I have post numerous amounts of posts of how it has been in my life with regarding my mom : I have always been the mature . I am 24 and this is really ridiculous . Its gotten to the point that if I am home and she is home , I don't come out of my room . Alright one thing that is bugging me is her constant want for people to be sorry for her . She is walking around with her eye worsening by the day . The thing is : she has an excellent job which offers her excellent health benefits . All she has to do is go set up an eye doctor appointment get some glasses or something . I get tired of hearing . " I can't see ... its like my eyesight is worsening everyday . " I am sick of hearing stuff like that ! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ! All I want to scream is " go the damn eye doctor ! " . She bitches and complains about relatives all the time . And I am saying to myself in my head " if they piss you off that bad , don't think about them ! " GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR .

I have a job but in a few months I will be moving out thank God . But today when I came from work , I noticed that my little brother has yet again rumbled through my things which I have hidden in my room . He will lie and swear he did not do it because she always protects him . She is always saying stuff like " I don't want you to have a distant relationship with your brother like I have with mine . " Blah blah freaking blah . If anyone is gonna force the distance its her because she never punishes him whenever he blows the cable cords , messes up my internet modem , calls long distance to people in Alabama on my cell phone that he does not even know ( She looked at me like I was stupid - her response " It should'nt matter , you have unlimited long distance anyway . THAT'S NOT THE POINT ! If this person calls back , they will be TALKING TO ME , because its my cell phone , the one that I PAY FOR , the one that shows up in MY NAME on the other person's caller ID . And its my phone , don't touch it ! ), he never does any chores , he uses profanity , but to her he is an angel - she treats him so delicate that in the end its gonna mess up on her because he is not gonna be worth anything - he thinks everyone owes him something .

Tonight I came home from work and I saw that he went through my very personal papers : Letters that my boyfriend has sent me over the past months . Letters that I pre-written to him ... It does not matter the nature of what he snooped through - I just don't like anyone going through my stuff . I already told her before that if this happens again I am gonna go postal . But its her nature to let stuff go on and ignore it . Of course he will deny that he did it . I know he did because he left his damn shoe in my room . And if I confront her about it , she won't do anything , she will say I am overreacting .

I am just sick of being the only one who cleans in the damn house . I work a 2nd shift job . So when I am at work that is when everyone is at home . The kitchen is dirty again . And I am not gonna clean it anymore . Common sense tells you to clean , WTF , I thought I was the child and the parent . So while I am at work , they are having a good ole time dirtying up everything from my room , to the kitchen to the bathroom . I have had enough of this . I am looking for an apartment ahead of my planned schedule . She thinks I am crazy for wanting my own place . Hello , I am 24 . I don't want to be co-dependpent like her . I am independent and I will be damned if I stay in a place where I am doing everything for my health .

I just had to vent . I am still pissed ...

[Skittles]

1. how old is your "little brother"?

HE NEEDS HIS ASS KICKED - BADLY. And you are WAY overdue to get out of that house.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

4. He just turned 12 . But she is raising him differently than she raised me

and the difference is : he never ever gets punished . I have never seen him get a punishment , or a talking to or a whipping . I am 24 and yes I am overdue to get out of that house . I have only been here since June 2004 , and that was because I came back to the United States after living abroad for 3 years . And I only planned on staying her until I found a job . Now that I have a good job I can finally move out . But the fact that he snooped through my stuff and she is not gonna punish him , pisses me the F off .

Instead of cleaning the house , like washing the dishes , she sits and plays Playstation all night while the sink is full . I am seriously sick of all this BS . I am gonna blow . I think they get along because they are on the same maturity level . Ask me again , why I don't want to give them my them address when I move out .

[hfojvt]

2. at the hardware store

you can buy a lock for your room for about $12. Pretty easy to install too, only a couple screws, or four at the most usually. Your bro needs to get a life of his own and stop snooping on yours.

[sbj405]

26. Agree. Get a lock for your room until you can move out.

Aren't families fun? ;-) Hang in there.

[DustMolecule]

3. They will miss you much more than you will miss them.....

....time to "get on with your life" (even if it's earlier than you had 'planned').

It will be good - for ALL of you.

~Parting is such sweet sorrow~

Best of luck in your future!

[Bossy Monkey]

5. You don't. You get out of there and live your life.

If you can think of somebody she might listen to, you ask that person to talk to her about the situation. But your first responsibility is to you, and you've already gone above and beyond the call of duty.

[ffm172]

6. Get out of there as soon as possible

it is absolutely NOT ok for your brother to go through your stuff, using and reading it. And it is absolutely NOT ok from your mom to act the way she does. Get out. Do you have friends you can stay with till you found something? Or, as hfojvt said, get a lock and lock your door if nothing else works.

How are you otherwise :hi:

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

7. Otherwise I am fine :)

:hi: I still miss him a lot of course . We were able to chat with each other this past weekend for a very LONG time . But I still miss him so much . Even if it has been three days since I heard from him , I miss him a lot .

[ffm172]

8. glad to hear

I am in email contact with my bf now and we will try to find a date when we can chat on YM. I am looking forward to it. Otherwise I am always happy when I get an email from him. I still need to ask him if there is a chance to talk on the phone.
I know the feeling. You miss that person day and night, every hour and minute. Yesterday I went to a meeting in the town he normally lives. It sucked to know that he isn't there.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

9. Everytime I hear a song on the radio that reminds me of him ...

I always have to go to a place alone because I know I am gonna cry . But the best thing is hearing his voice . I leave my computer on at all times just in the hope that he comes online :)

[ffm172]

10. fortunately my crying stopped

my bf told me to let him know a time when I will be online so that he can try to show up also. I told him it might be better if he tells me when he has time. I can come online all the time. I really hope I can talk to him at one point. Otherwise I have to keep playing my answering machinge over and over again where he once spoke on :)

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

12. I kept replaying his voicemails too !

He left some voicemails on my cellphone a couple of days prior before he deployed - and I just played them over and over and over and over and over and over and over REALLY over and over and over and over ... more -> over and over , whew and and over again , over and over . I would just sit there with my earpiece listening to his messages . Unfortunately I was not able to save them permanently because after a certain about of days , they expire . But I know the exact feeling as you feel when you play the answering machine messages over and over again . :) When we chatted I was able to watch him on because he was using a webcam , this made me so happy and this was so much fun . But it would have been even better if he was in person with me and if I was able to hear his voice .

[ffm172]

13. when I get the chance to chat with my bf I will turn on my webcam

but I don't think he has one down there :( So I won't have the pleasure to see him. But the other day I developed some pics from last year and there was a beautiful pic of him from the Christmas Market. Smiling in the camera. Sigh. I keep looking at that pic.

[Floogeldy]

11. Listen to yourself

Grow up. You are 24 years old?

You are posting on a message board, "Waa waa waa my mom. Waa waa waa my little brother."

GET THE FUCK OUT OF THAT HOUSE AND BE A MAN.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

14. I am a girl .

And I can post on this message board whatever I want . If people are gonna vent then I am gonna vent too . If people are gonna make dumbass copy cat posts then I am gonna do the same . If people are gonna post on this message board 24/7 as if they never go out of the house or away from their computer then I am gonna do the same . If people are gonna post cat/ dog pictures then I am gonna vent . Who made you the who can vent and who can't vent patrol . This was just my way of blowing steam . Excuse me if you think I was whining . But if you were my shoes you would feel the same way . If you were shelling out hundreds of dollars weekly and being the only one who care about the roof over your head , you would feel the same way . If you worked 9 hours and have to give it all away because you are only one in the house who knows how to pay a bill on time then you would be pissed off too . Yes I am getting out but I was just venting . I don't know you , as far as now you have probably put me on ignore already but whatever .

Oh I forgot , this message board is for posts about naming Britney Spear's baby ...

[Floogeldy]

15. I was wrong

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

16. Wrong about what ?

That I am female and not male ?

[Droopy]

17. You tell him Carolina

You can vent all you want to as far as I'm concerned.

I think your own place is the solution. You will be much happier.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

18. The last time I logged in I thought venting was allowed ...

But apparently not ... It might sound like I was whining but I am not . Losing money is just getting to me and I needed to let off steam .

[ffm172]

19. don't worry

venting is allowed. Just ignore people who don't understand it. There are enough others who will comfort you and give you some serious advice. :hug:

[Droopy]

20. You will feel liberated when you get your own place

It's so nice not to have to answer to anyone and not have the worries that you currently have. I just bought my own place last year and I am loving it. I can come home late at night, drink beer, turn up the music and fuck off all I want and nobody can say anything to me. It's wonderful. I know you love your mom, but I think you will be making the right choice to leave home. Honor her and appreciate what she's done for you, but don't let her walk on you. Everybody deserves respect.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

21. Yeah its the lack of respect thats getting to me ...

I think sometimes I have too good of a heart and this is what happens : people walk all over you . I just have a weird family thats all . Thanks for letting me vent ;)

[chookie]

22. Honey -- I feel for you

You sound like a very nice person, very balanced, responsible and good.

Sounds like you've been the Mom in your household, for some time at least. Interesting that your mother brought you up to be caring and responsible, How convenient. Because for some reason -- and I don't know what it can be -- she's raising your brother to be a co-dependent playmate. Honey -- I don't know what to tell you, except that it's bizarre how different the experience of different family members will be, because events and such will cause such different perceptions of what is going on.

As for your Mom's complaining about physical ailments -- I know you are not exaggerating; you would not be reporting this here if it were not on a crazy scale. As you have observed -- if she was experiencing symptoms, she could easily consult a qualified doctor for diagnosis and treatment. But it seems she wants SYMPATHY, attention, and (I conjecture wildly here, not knowing her) drama. If she wanted scientific treatment, well, she would have taken your advise to see the damn doctor months ago. another thing that comes to mind is hysterical somatization -- which is to say, she has psychological issues, but will NOT or NEVER deal with them, so she manifests her ill health into physical symptoms. Something to try: next time she complains, instead of being rational and scientific, get emotional and DEEPLY disturbed, and BEG her to see a doctor, because you are so worried about her, especially because she complains so constantly that it must be very unbearable, etc etc This little psychodrama will force her to seek medical attention or drop the subject, because illness is not the issue, but something else......

Little Brother sounds nasty -- at least temporarily. He is entering sexuality, is extremely curious -- and sees you as a rich source of information, because you are Of Age, and this fact is a matter of fantasy to him -- especially since you have a boyfriend. If he had a computer, he would be downloading porn -- failing that, he is sniffing around your room. Not cool. If your mother is oblivious to what he is up to -- this does not bode well. This kid NEEDS to be taught respect for the privacy of others -- by whatever means necessary. It's not being MEAN -- it's doing him a service that will help him for the rest of his life. The next question is -- is Mother using Psycho Little Brother to indirectly spy on 24 year old sister?.....

I am glad you are getting out of this place to make a sane life for youself.

Sounds like you have enough to deal with at present but -- you're going to have to deal with these people for the rest of your life. 99% of the time, it does not get better. There are no easy solutions (if anyone disagrees, please email me and tell me the magic answer.)

The advice I have been given for many years is FLEE! And I did distance myself (1500 miles). But things got so bad (I was away for 20 happy years) I could not suffer my wonderful good sister to bear it all, so I returned to help out. And it is TOUGH, and it gets me down a lot, but at the moment I must adapt a mindset that collective happiness is more important than my personal happiness. And in my heart of hearts, I am comfortable with that; it's just the every day living that is tough. :-)

:hug:

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

23. Thank you for your opinion . You see exactly what I see ...

The next time she complains about her worsening eyesight , I am just gonna throw the yellow pages on the table with listings for eye doctor's circled . Its as simple as that . There are people who don't have healthy insurance who are not able to get treatment and here she is with fully covered medical insurance and she does not use it . I just hate the " I need sympathy " moods . Its gotten very old .

I only moved back here last June 2004 because I had left the States to clear my mind and to live abroad for 3 years . My plan once coming back to the states was to get a good job and then move out . I finally landed the good paying job this past February and within a month , I am moving out . Apparently everyone thinks I am gonna stay here and just shell out money and get nothing in return , and its not going to be like that .

I don't know if she is using him to spy on me or not . But nothing in the letters are of a sexual nature . Its just the fact that privacy is violated that bugs me .

[cleofus1]

24. yes it is time to get your own place...

but don't give up on your family.


no matter how flawed they are they are still your family...
i'm not saying you have an obligation to cure all your families ills, just be aware that all these things will pass...and in the end all you have is your family...

now get the hell into your own place...my god...your 24!
:P

[R. A. Fuqua]

25. at 12, I would say that your brother is

old enough for you to sit him down and have a talk with him--about his behaviour--and the consequences of it (ie--that now you don't trust him, and are going to lock up your stuff etc).

It could be that a talk (if done carefully and appropriately) will do him a lot of good. At that age, lots of times kids are testing boundaries--when adults respond by setting clear and appropriate boundaries is something that the child usually ends up appreciating--if not then--later when they are more mature.

Good luck--dealing with family can suck.

I have a MOTHER (nearly 70 years old) who still snoops through my stuff. (She has had this bad habit all my life). Now THAT is a serious problem. When I was a child I would leave nasty notes for her--ie--I would hide little notes in my things that said things like--whoever finds this note is cursed. She would always go crazy when she found them--weeping and brandishing them to my father--demanding that I be punished--while all the while denying going through my things (the only way she could have found the notes). My nother is a real head case. When I visit them--she STILL does the same old routine of going through everything that I own whenever my back is turned. I would love to have a child to deal with--maybe they would listen to reason.