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Unless you’ve thought about it.
1) Be prepared to provide some specifics. We are a complaint-driven organization and a charity. An address is important. Streets have names; rural roads have names or numbers. Descriptors like “20 minutes west from Jonesville” don’t cut it. If you are driving down a country road at 100+ kilometers an hour and see something you don’t understand please don’t jump to the worst possible conclusion. If it worries you, make the effort to turn around, take a longer look. A side benefit of this course of action is that you can get a decent description of the situation, the animals and perhaps the address.
2) Don’t call to report an abandoned fawn on a driveway which turns out to be the neighbour’s Airedale lying in the sun. Don’t call to report an abandoned fawn in the forest, especially when there is another, much larger deer standing beside it. That’s called Mom, and yes, deer live in the forest.
3) Don’t call to report a dog frozen to death which turns out to be the plywood lawn ornament you saw on your neighbour’s lawn all summer, now blown over and lying in the snow.
4) Don’t tell me about the “emancipated” cows. I like big words; I’ll use them, but please use the correct big word or be happy with saying “really skinny”.
5) Please don’t tell me that you know all about horses because you went on a pony ride at age 14. No, it is not necessary for horses to be kept in a barn. Barns are where they keep the germs and the humidity and the dust. Stabled horses develop stable vices like cribbing and weaving simply from boredom. Leave the horses outside where they can socialize and be horses, rather than some big dog.
6) Don’t use me as a way to get even with your neighbour. We can weed that crap out pretty quickly. We’re pretty good at determining that you’ve already called the police, social services, bylaw enforcement and animal control. Having failed to receive satisfaction from them you call a charity to harass your neighbour.
7) Don’t call to say your neighbour’s dog is barking. Dogs bark, cats meow, cows moo and, well you get the idea.
8) Please don’t send me e-mails such as this:
FROM: lordchristimstupid@aol.com
TO: SPCA
SENT: Thursday, June 02, 2005 8:42 AM
SUBJECT: May I have some information about Township “A” , please?
Hi, I am living in Toronto and have been looking for a bungalow to move to in “A Township”. All the houses I have been to, I have noticed that people in “A Township” seem to be raising livestock such as cattle right next door to residential areas. Is all of “A Township” zoned agricultural? The catch is that I am a vegetarian and a huge animal lover. I believe in spaying and neutering even if it is not your “pet”. I have been very upset to see people with barns in “A Township”, raising animals and letting stray cats roam around but not taking responsibility for them,. Please tell me if you are allowed to raise cattle, etc. in a rural residential area in “A Township”. If so, I will look for a home elsewhere. I love all animals and do not like the “burger” phenomenon that most people indulge in. Please note the town of “A Township” gave me a curt response- “it is a fact of life”. No, it is not. Cruelty is never a “fact of life”. Thank you for any insight on “A Township”.
Julie {excised}
Firstly, it’s called “the country”. You know, where they keep the trees and the animals and stuff.
Secondly, know that we’re going to print this out, pass it around and laugh at it.
Thirdly, you’re probably one of those people who call us complaining about the noise from the coyotes and the wolves.
Fourth, it’s called “the country”.
9) If I show up at your door, please be nice. It’s a lot simpler that way. If you want to be an asshole, we can do it that way but you won’t like it. Don’t waste your time swearing at me. I’ve heard it all before and unless you are exceptionally original it won’t make it to our smoke break conversations. I’ve been called most things. Don’t threaten to call the Police on me for trespassing. I’ll hand you my cell phone and tell you which speed dial number to use.
10) Don’t tell me that what you’re doing is standard agriculture practice. If it is I know that, if it isn’t I know that, too and I’m going to call Bullshit. If you a conscience left, I may make you cry.
11) Don’t quote the bible at me, especially
Genesis 1:26: And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.
Been there, done that and no it doesn’t mean that you can do whatever the hell you want with or to your animals. If I’m in a good mood (most of the time) I’ll quote
Proverbs 12:10: A righteous man regardeth the life of his beast: but the tender mercies of the wicked are cruel.
If I’m in a not so good mood we’ll have a discussion regarding the law, responsibility and the fixing of problems.
12) When push comes to shove there are 2 roads; you can fix the problem or I can fix the problem. People tend not to like it when I fix their problems for them. It involves veterinarians, trucks, trailers, search warrants and all that stuff. I’m inherently lazy, and am quite prepared in most cases for you to fix your problems. Charges and court and lawyers are boring and I’d prefer to be driving around the countryside.
13) Don’t tell me that you pay my salary. We do not receive tax dollars. Unless you donate (and my serious clients don’t) that is a non-issue. If you do donate, it still wouldn’t make a difference. If you are abusing or neglecting an animal I won’t care if you donated $3 million.
What a day.
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