Serious Question for anyone willing to listen: PART 2...

[battleknight24]

Did you guys read my last post? (PART 1)

Okay, so me and this girl are not soulmates- I only met her in January; there is a lot I don't know about her- but it would seem obvious that I should try and pursue this thing a little bit farther.

One BIG problem.

She's engaged... and she's getting married this June. Yeah, she's only 19, but they've known each other for years...

I have all this strange mixed feeling running through... I should I feel knowing that I will never get to be more than her friend?

Have any of you ever been through something like this? Your friends? What was it like?

Before you tell me that "there are a lot of other fish in the sea," keep in mind that I am a total loser when it comes to relationships...

[EstimatedProphet]

1. there are a lot of other fish in the sea

And there are a lot of us who have always felt like losers in relationships. I know I always did until recently.
Have faith. You still can meet the right one. Just pay attention when you do so that you don't miss her.

[BlueEyedSon]

2. OK, ignore my last post... rent "The Graduate"

ROTFLMAO!

BTW: Everyone is a total loser when it comes to relationships. Anyone who tells you different is delusional. Also, everyone that gets engaged at 19 gets divorced. Everyone. It's like 6 year olds getting engaged (maybe not, but close).

[battleknight24]

6. Now that I think about it...

... I can remember my dad saying something about how everyone he knew who got married straight out of high school (this girl is a college freshman...) ended up getting divorced...

[LoZoccolo]

14. boomboomboomboomboomboomboomboom

ELAINE!

[battleknight24]

17. ?

?

[LoZoccolo]

22. It's from the movie.

So I don't want to give any more away. :)

[battleknight24]

25. I've never seen that movie...

... which is weird, since everyone I know considers me a movie-freak...

[WannaJumpMyScooter]

3. there is always the possibility of staying friends... I have female

friends, my wife has male friends.
some people are not mature enough to deal with it... that is their problem, not mine.

[BlueEyedSon]

8. Don't stay friends, it's just torture. Move on

until you're in your own kick-ass relationship. Then you can "be friends" with other girls.

[LoZoccolo]

16. I agree.

To the original poster:

I'm not gonna say where I heard this term, but there's this thing called "one-ism", where it's like, you focus on one girl and think she's the only one that's gonna fit this and that about you...it's so not true. Move on and stay away.

If you think you're a total loser with relationships, try saying "hi" to six strange women a day for like thirty days. Could be people you pass by in the supermarket, whatever. You'll not be shy after that.

[battleknight24]

18. Supermarket, eh...

... I should give that a try...

[LoZoccolo]

20. Oh I forgot an important part...

...and it's don't care whether or not you get a smile back, or a strange look...just make up some excuse for the strange looks happening ("maybe she was having a bad day") and remember the smiles.

[LoZoccolo]

21. Oh and also...

...the point isn't really to meet these women or start conversation (thought it might happen), just to get comfortable with saying "hi" - that's it, just "hi".

[LoZoccolo]

23. You know what?

I should just PM you with where I got this tip and you'll get the whole picture.

[MichaelHarris]

4. If you don't pursue this

you'll wonder the rest of your life. You should pursue everything in your life you want. If its meant to be it will be. A number of years ago I was a newly divorced man, I moved from the town I lived in most of my life and met the most wonderful woman. One problem, she was married with a husband serving in B sr's first illegal war. She told me she was in love with me and wanted to leave her husband. I saw the pain that would cause because my wife had left me for another man and I wanted no part of that pain for someone else so I didn't get involved. Even though a relationship with this woman would have been wrong a day doesn't go by that I don't think about her. While its true there are alot of fish in the sea its important to remember that only one of those fish is a true soulmate.

ps. don't tell my current wife I have thoughts about another woman. She'll kick my ass.

[battleknight24]

10. Her fiance is in the military... (I'm the original poster...)

... she's flying out of state to see his graduation from basic training... then she said she's moving with him wherever he gets stationed... whether its Texas, Virginia, or Germany, etc, etc,

[Rabrrrrrr]

11. OMG!

While not necessarily a relationship destined for disaster, it's a pretty damn good chanc their marriage won't last for more than a few years.

Young age, just out of high school, the guy an unenlisted low-ranking military person.

Egads - a disaster waiting to happen. maybe not, but likely.

How sad.

[battleknight24]

35. I was kind of thinking the same thing... (I'm the original poster)

... she's known this guy for many years, and I'm sure that they love each other to death... but, #1- I know people in the armed services, and military life is hard on them and their families and #2- There is a possibility he could be stationed in Germany of some other foreign country... I don't know if my friend realizes how hard it can be living far from home... I did a study abroad in Europe a while back, and it isn't easy.

[MichaelHarris]

19. If you

truely believe in love I say go for it, heart and soul. Do the Dustin Hoffman, "The Graduate" thing if you have to. Bang on the church doors. Never give up on love. Now if she doesn't return that love don't go all stalker on us cuz thats just creepy :)

[battleknight24]

26. NO WAY... I may be a little crazy... (I'm the original poster)

... but I can't do that to her... this is real life, not the movies...

I should rent 'The Graduate' sometime though... I've never seen it... and I watch a LOT of movies...

[MichaelHarris]

29. but

do you think she may have feelings for you? If you think there is a future then its ok for life to imitate art. As long as you don't try to imitate Bruce Willis movies.

[LastKnight]

5. yeeeea, ive been there...

and it sucked major ass, as im sure you know it does, i knew i had to step back and remove myself from the situation, had to forget about her, put her out of my mind, fortunatley her and her then boyfriend moved to the other side of the country, so i didnt have to hurt her feelings by doing what would have effectively ended our friendship.

but for your own good, if only mentally, take a step back and look at your life with perspective to her, your just friends at this point and its likley thats all will come of it, i wouldnt wait around unless something really happens, dont waste your life pining for something you know you wont get, its hell, it drove me to the edge not only the time i had mentioned above, but in another instance too.

-LK

[LastKnight]

12. ok the whole military service thing changes the whole thing

i just read your replies to some of the above posts... and that whole stationing crap can be damn hard on a family, if you keep contact with her, be there for her to listen to her grievences, then maybe thiers a chance, but dude, dont wait around too long, like i said before, dont waste time wanting what could be impossible.

-LK

[battleknight24]

13. Don't get me wrong... I'm not crying over her... just a little down...

... I thought it would be a good idea to chat about it here on DU so you guys could give me a bit of a reality check...

I think every guy in a tough situation needs a reality check... right?

[LastKnight]

15. yea, everyone needs a reality check.

just keep it all in focus, i wasnt able to, and after awhile I kinda lost it. thus i needed the reality check.

-LK

[Sufi Marmot]

7. Let it go...

Pining over or pursuing engaged women is an excersise in futility. If you can maintain some emotional distance and be friends with her, then by all means do so, if she's so inclined. But it sounds like you are starting to have feelings for her that are more than platonic, so maybe it would be a good idea not to get closer, if it will be painful for you, or awkward for either of you.

Before you tell me that "there are a lot of other fish in the sea," keep in mind that I am a total loser when it comes to relationships... Apparently not, per your narrative in Part I. You met someone you clicked with, someone with whom you have common interests who enjoys your company. It's just not going to get romantic, as she's already engaged. So you've already demonstrated that at least one woman likes you for who you are, so it's likely there are plenty more in the world. Go make friends with a bunch of women who share your interests and enjoy your company, and see if anything more develops with any of them. Give it some time and one of those friendships is likely to develop into something more. You're young, you'll be fine....

-SM, thirtysomething and not entirely cynical.... :-)

[Rabrrrrrr]

9. It is a sad thing when two people want a romatic relationship,

and yet somehow they both know that it isn't meant to be.

I have one woman friend for whom I have always had romantic thoughts, and who was romantic toward me, and we dated a few times but we realized that (and it was purely an intuitive kind of thing) we just couldn't work together, but were splendid friends.

I can't explain how we knew it wasn't meant to be; we just knew.

And yeah, it sucks and it's tough - and there's a definite almost cosmic-level sadness in the situation - but yet the alternative (being involved and slowly destroying the relationship) is no good, either. So the longing remains, the friendship remains, but we both know that, except perhaps in 40 years, it just ain't gonna be anything more than a most amazing and special kind of friendship, the kind that I share with no one else, and there is beauty in that.

[kerryin2004]

24. Take an innocent shower with her....

If you guys dont have hours of passion(or at least 10 minutes) than it ws never meant to be.

[battleknight24]

28. You didn't read PART 1 did you...

?

[kerryin2004]

33. yes

[LoZoccolo]

27. To answer another of your questions.

Have any of you ever been through something like this? Your friends? What was it like?

Ch'yeah, and it totally sucks, but like I posted before, I kind of stay away and you know what...it doesn't really come back to you if you walk away from it. Every now and then it does, like when her boyfriend emailed me and all her friends asking for donations to chip in on an iPod he decided might be a good birthday present for her after he bought it (key word: after), and like, last year when those people from that cult said they cloned a human being (no kidding: this guy looks like the leader of the Raelian cult), but it's like, make the kind of life where that stuff doesn't intrude on it often. This was a long-term friend too...this girl you met in January should be a piece of cake getting over.

[furrylitldevil]

30. I've been there,

and you're right, you do just need a reality check. Unfortunately, it's almost a universal moment in any guy's life where he wants more than anything to be in a relationship with a specific someone, yet for whatever reasons, it doesn't work out.

An old proverb says, "Every man dies once before he starts to live." But sometimes it takes more than one.

[fujiyama]

31. Fahgeddabadit

It's not worth it. Now, I would keep in touch with her. Be friends. Be supportive, but at the same time, move on, and try to find someone else. And if by some chance the relationship and marriage doesn't last, you'll be there...

At first it may be difficult, but eventually you'll find someone else... After all you're young. BTW, the thing is most people in your age group (icluding myself) are absolute, complete losers when it comes to relationships.

[Enraged_Ape]

32. Kick back with a beer and listen to Rick Springfield

Jesse's Girl - Rick Springfield

Jesse is a friend,
yeah, I know he's been a good friend of mine
But lately something's changed that ain't hard to define
Jesse's got himself a girl and I want to make her mine

And she's watching him with those eyes
And she's lovin' him with that body, I just know it
Yeah and he's holding her in his arms late, late at night

You know, I wish that I had Jesse's girl,
I wish that I had Jesse's girl
Where can I find a woman like that

I play along with the charade,
there doesn't seem to be a reason to change
You know, I feel so dirty when they start talking cute
I wanna tell her that I love her, but the point is probably moot

Cause she's watching him with those eyes
And she's lovin' him with that body, I just know it
And he's holding her in his arms late, late at night

You know, I wish that I had Jesse's girl,
I wish that I had Jesse's girl
Where can I find a woman like that

Like Jesse's girl, I wish that I had Jesse's girl
Where can I find a woman, where can I find a woman like that

And I'm lookin' in the mirror all the time,
wondering what she don't see in me
I've been funny, I've been cool with the lines
Ain't that the way love's supposed to be

Tell me, where can I find a woman like that

You know, I wish that I had Jesse's girl,
I wish that I had Jesse's girl
I want Jesse's girl, where can I find a woman like that, like
Jesse's girl, I wish that I had Jesse's girl,
I want, I want Jesse's girl

---------------------------

Seriously, though. This kind of thing happens to just about all of us at one time or another. I would look for somebody else. But stay friends with her no matter what, because you really don't know what might happen, particularly when it comes to young military engagements/marriages.

[battleknight24]

34. Believe it or not... I was watching VH1 once...

... and it turns out that this song is based on a true story... Rick Springfield had a huge crush on this girl his good friend was going out with... I don't know if her name was really Jesse though...

[Snow]

36. I suspect this'll go right by you,

both because you've already said not to tell you about the rest of the ocean, and because my general geezerlieness (did I spell that right? hmmmm) but we have a pair of legends in western culture, to wit: "love at first sight" and "soulmates" or "the only true love" or whatever - both are baloney to the point of being harmful.

My daughter's taking an English lit course right now in the arthurian legends, and one focus is the whole (mostly French) medieval ideal of courtly love. What a load of hogwash! Those French, honestly! Anyway, mate, you're incredibly young; she's incredibly young; not too worry about it. The one-and-only soulmate thing is absolute hooey! You can develop (I'll repeat that word - develop) wonderful loving relationships with any compatible & agreeable person. And, yes, I've spent too many years immersed in Asian culture, but sometimes Koreans are a lot more sensible than the French.

[Bossy Monkey]

37. Obviously you are NOT a total loser when it comes to relationships...

as you've found one person who could fit the bill as soulmate, under other circumstances. Yes, something like this has happened to me, yes it sucks. You can keep hanging around with her, be her best friend, but if you have romantic/sexual feelings for her, you'll be living with an open wound for as long as you do. All you can do is examine your feelings and ask yourself if you can live with this. If you decide you can, you may regret it, but it will be a sweet kind of regret.