self sabotage

[Shallah Kali]

Sometimes it seems like I some how mess things up just when a situation is improving. Most recently I have lost a good amount of excess weight and hoping to release some more to get me in the healthy range for my height through healthy diet and exercise. I am still surprised this happened because no matter what I have done before I never lost more than a few pounds. Needless to say I am thrilled to bits and then boom! I break my pinky toe. Not a huge thing but it certainly hinders my cardio efforts until it is healed up. The last time I got into an exercise program I hurt my knees and even after pt and a great reduction in pain I was so depressed I gave up on exercise for quite a while. Other times I have gotten a rip roaring sinus infection just before something good was supposed to happen that flattens me so I can't take part. When I was in school I got to the point I could nearly consciously depress my immune system so that in 3 days I was unable to go to school and take a big exam I was dreading or have to turn in an essay that I knew wouldn't be done. Unfortunately I have yet to consciously semi or otherwise manage to do the oppposite - that is make myself better fast.

Now I am trying to track down the source of this most recent accident in case it was another subconscious act of self sabotage. Sometimes I feel like my mind is a computer running multiple and conflicting programs such as Healthy Self-Worth vs You're Not Worthy and Everything Goes Wrong In The End. Even with this small but discrouaging setback I know I am doing better than ever and it is just a matter of time until I can make it better. It just just darned frustrating to have small but painful things get in the way of progress even tho I know it helps me to local the next layer of programming I need to delete.

[Sanity Claws]

1. Can't help you on your theory of self-sabotage

but I can offer some ideas on exercise you can do, despite the broken toe.

I broke a bone in my foot several years ago and couldn't run or yoga, things I regularly did. I found that I could ride my bike -- not as much of a cardio workout as running but better than nothing.
Also, about four weeks after the break, before the foot was fully healed, I was able to go roller blading. Roller blading does not put anywhere near as much stress on the feet as running or walking.

You are worthy of good health and everything else this life offers. :hug:

Edited because I posted before finishing message.

[Why Syzygy]

2. Caroline Myss

may have something that addresses this. Sounds like something she would deal with.
http://www.hayhouseradio.com/episode_archive.php?show_id=26&episode_type=0

[Why Syzygy]

3. Shallah ..

I've been packing books to move, after I browse through most of them again.
This one caught my attention, and in reading, came upon a chapter about a "self-defeating" personality.

You can search the book on amazon, and then search for that phrase, or just type in 344 (page number) to read descriptions. I don't know that this will help, exactly. But it might give you some ideas.
http://www.amazon.com/Personality-Self-Portrait-Think-Work-Love/dp/0553353365/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1212221468&sr=8-1

[Callie McAllie]

4. I don't think you did this to yourself

Maybe this isn't completely in keeping with the philosophies of this site, but two things I believe:
1) when bad things happen, there is usually a life lesson you can learn from them
2) sometimes shit just happens

Maybe this broken toe is just a classic, albeit small, example of the latter. After all, as someone I knew used to say, you could be lying in the gutter with cancer. I often think of that when bad things happen to me.

Or maybe these last-minute occurances that keep you from your goals or your pleasures are meant to teach you to find a way to overcome, work around, achieve despite the setbacks. Like you said, believe you are worthy, despite the nagging doubts. I believe you are worthy!

There have been some good suggestions so far about how to keep up your diet and exercise despite the toe. And even if you can't exercise as you have been doing, you can still make healthy food choices and find ways to burn calories that do not involve the toe. Swimming, perhaps, or hand weights.

Do not let this defeat you. Stay strong and determined and you will overcome this setback and continue toward your goal.

Good luck!

:hug:

[Shallah Kali]

10. I do believe that one of those two things might be behind this

except that at times I have fear come up when things are going especially well. In the case of the broken toe it probably is some of the same fear contributing to my weight issues to begin with. I was hoping the fact that I was finally making progress and huge progress at that, having released exactly half of the excess weight I intend to loose, and was feeling ready for something more vigorous than walking and weight lifting meant I had cleared out the vast majority of those old fears. Well in the past few days things have come to a head enough that I will feel that old fear when it is time to exercise very intensely. I have gone from enjoying the changes I see in the mirror to having parts of me dread the improvements.

I know I am fortunate in my misfortunes as my issues broken toe and all are curable. Some are a bit more stubborn than others but they can be cured or at least reduced to the level of minor irritations. I have a good box of tricks to help me work with issues and an excellent therapist to assist me. I am very fortunate in actually knowing where much of this stuff comes from both events in this life and in various past ones instead of wondering why I have these strange unhealthy compulsions including why I never could feel full or satified no matter how much I ate. At least that hasn't come back although I get twinges every so often and have to remind myself when I am in automatic mode that it is ok to stop eating long before a plate is clear when my body is saying enough.

[Callie McAllie]

5. had to add this after I read the Karen Bishop thread

"Why are some of us feeling vulnerable, fearful, lost without a rudder, with chaos abounding and perhaps wondering what in the world is going on? Has it become near impossible to put even a toe out there without having a strange and uncomfortable experience?"

I thought of you when I read that. Because of the toe. :-)

[I Have A Dream]

6. Good catch, Callie!

:)

[Shallah Kali]

9. I have to laugh a little reading that

I guess the next time Karen gets that specific about a body part being endangered I should take precautions like steeltoed boots instead of flipflops!

[cliss]

7. Thanks for sharing, Sh.

I think the issue of self sabotage is a really important one. I'm sure that job counselors and counselors in general see this quite a bit. I'm sure it's not a rare phenomenon.

In terms of past life issues; I'm sure this is an important issue. Often, we are our own worst enemies. We don't even know it. We struggle for success or for a good outcome, and yet with everything in place we either walk away, or somehow sabotage things.
Example: I had a co-worker friend from a few years ago. She was very attractive and yet she seemed to overeat a lot.
We were talking over lunch one day, and she mentioned how she had nightmares a lot. It seemed to be the same recurring dream. Apparently there was a man who would come into her home. It was at night, and he attacked her in bed. He either smothered her with a pillow, or he strangled her. She told me this was a recurring dream, and she would wake up in a panic or in a sweat.
As I was listening to her, I thought "Of course. This is a past life experience. You are still troubled by it, and there must be a way that you can reconcile this bad experience and move on to a better & healthy life".
This is a case of, not necessarily self sabotaging behavour. This woman was haunted by a past life experience, and it was damaging her health currently. It's important to get to the source of these issues so we can heal & move on.
I myself have spent a lot of time in this lifetime sabotaging my own best efforts. There's no other explanation. The question is, is it from my current lifetime (some issues) or does it go deeper? Maybe previous grievances from a former life.
We carry with us all our life experiences.
It's all with us, today.
Good post, shallah.

[Shallah Kali]

8. Old habits from past lives

I know from the spontaneous memories i have had along with many regressions that in many lives as a female horrible things happened when I caught the attention of males in power who utterly lacked morals. One of my more recent lives in Poland during wwii left me with an active distaste for handsome blond haired males. Even as a preschooler I avoided playing with a little girl down the street if her older blond haired blue eyed brother was around in spite of the fact that he barely took notice of my existence when he was around. I could figure this dislike out until that regression which thankfully seems to have ended the ICK! reaction to otherwise seemingly nice men.

[FirstLight]

11. as far as everything that you have said here,

thanks for the mirror!

I have been wallowing in this for almost 2 weeks.
I know part of it is the downright "thickness" of the energy right now. I know mercury isn't helping either... but I have been floored with fatigue and restlessness at the same time. knowing I have so much I need to DO, but not wanting to, and the feeling of it being all an illusion anyway, so wtf anyway. the rebel kicks in and I jus want to be destructive, drink too much, smooke too much, zone out and hide from my thoughts.

fear of success is big for me, too. I am about to go for a broadcasting job, but worried I should hold out for the newspaper because it was my first job...or is it just an excuse to slack off more? darn self defeating atitude! grrr

[Shallah Kali]

12. I am glad my sharing was of service to you & wish you luck in your choice

The first part of changing a habit is to actually identify those unconscious reflexes that do not serve our highest good. They served us in the past by helping us survive difficult situations things when we didn't know healthier methods. Now it is a matter of deleting the old programs and putting in new healthier coping strategies.

When I backslide I have worked to train myself to not beat myself up on top of everything else but to say this is OK, it is only human to make mistakes and it takes time to build a habit - look at how long it took to get to this point with this problem! Take a deep breath and start up the path again. Even with all the two steps forward, one step back I *am* making progress! Even being able to stop and say after the fact this wasn't really wise, I should have done x,y or z instead of bashing myself and digging myself a deeper hole is a wonderful shift!!!