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I know of late I have been posting a lot about my personal life, I apologize for that - just been a lot going on lately and this is my main outlet.
My wife has taken a turn for the worse. We have our issues to be sure, but she is still my wife and I love her dearly.
We talked tonight about her and her disease and what we will do when her dementia gets worse, what we will do with our baby girl - and she wants me to put her in a home and go away with Hannah. She doesn't want her little girl to see her like this. She fell down today, was so weak she could not even walk to the bathroom without help.
I can't fix everything. I wish I could. I can't make her better, mentally or physically. It's like watching a train wreck in slow motion. Today was hell, she hit me, screamed at me a lot, and then felt bad about it all and ask me to take our daughter away from it all. I am losing her slowly to this damned disease - not to mention the cyst on her brain and heart issues she has.
I'll stand by her through all this, from being in love with someone else to forgetting things from one moment to the next. She is a good woman who just wanted a normal life and it all got fucked up. She fell down today, she was in such pain I had to lift her up in bed just to have a drink of tea. If she is not better in the morning I am calling 911 to get her into the hospital, not that they can do much for her at this point.
I am watching her slowly die day in and out. She apologized to me today for everything, but I don't want her to - I just want her to be OK. And I can't make that happen.
I see her slipping away each day, and it hurts me so bad. One day she is all happy and doing mommy things and the next day she can barely move and I have to massage her legs and arms because they are all locked up.
She was not even making sense tonight at times, and I had to keep repeating myself because she did not understand what I was saying.
I can't take this, but I have to. My little girl emailed me tonight and told me she was sad and that she wants things to be like they used to be. She even sent me an ecard (and she is only 7) telling me how sad she was. She wants mommy and daddy to be happy and not fight anymore, she wants us to be normal. But I can't make that happen because her mommy is sick, and daddy can't fix this problem.
I don't care who she sleeps with, who she wants to be with, I'll give her all the leeway I can - I'll do anything I can to make this all ok, but at this point I cannot save her. I am watching her slip away day in and out, I am seeing her go slowly out of her mind and I can't do jack shit about it.
I'm scared. I don't want to see this happen to her. We have had 10 good years together, and now I spend each day watching her slowly drift away when all she really wants is to be a good mom. She lashes out at me because somewhere deep inside she knows I won't leave her and I will stand by her. She is scared and worried, she is trying to do what feels right and good to her because she doesn't want to face all this. And I don't want to either.
I don't even know what to type right now. I see her slowing slipping away and I want to make it all ok and I can't. I want to wave a magical wand and make her all better, and I can't. I don't want her to feel guilty and bad for the things she has done to me of late, but she does - and that is not helping her at all.
I don't know what to do anymore. I want her to be ok. And I am powerless in it all. Can't someone make her better? I'll give her up to anyone, I'll do anything it takes. I don't want to see her falling down any more, I don't want to have to hold her up just to have a drink of tea, I don't want to hear her tell me anymore that she does not understand what I just told her.
Please, pray for her, send good thoughts, whatever. Just don't let her die like this. I don't want to see her in pain anymore. I just want our simple life to be back.
And please forgive me for my rants here, I just have to get all this out somewhere. I want to post so much more and contribute more here than just about my life, but right now I need an outlet and this is what I have. I want to be a good daddy and a good husband, but daddy can't always fix everything. And that hurts me.
Thanks to all of you who have been here for me. Someday I will pay it all forward. I just can't today. I can't even sleep tonight.
Maybe if I cry enough and pray enough she will get better. I met the woman of my dreams and now she is slipping away from me day after day. I'll stand by her, but that does not appear to be fixing it all.
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