December 6, 2023

BREAKING NEWS: Congress conditions further aid to Ukraine with construction of Louisiana waterpark

Speaker of the House Mike Johnson (R-Louisiana) announced today his support for a plan that would condition any further aid and support for Ukraine in its ongoing war against Russia with construction of what he termed as a “totally bitchin’” waterpark in his home district.

Speaking before reporters, Johnson explained his thought process behind the policy move.

“While like all Americans, we offer our continued prayers and emotional support for the Ukrainian people in their fight against Russian aggression and occupation, there are nonetheless limits to be had,” Johnson said. “We must first look towards our own needs before those of all others, and especially the needs of parents in Northwestern Louisiana desperate to take their bored children someplace new on a hot summer’s day.”

With that, Johnson announced that any further packages of military aid and surplus equipment intended for the beleaguered European country must be paired with funding for Aquapolis, a sprawling new 32-acre water theme park to be constructed in suburban Eastwood, Louisiana, just outside of Shreveport.

“We’re not just talking about some rinky-dink little regional water park with a splash pad and a couple of small slides,” Johnson continued. “Aquapolis is going to have it all—over a dozen slides, including two side-by-side racing slides, a massive wave pool, a rapids rafting ride, a fast-paced water coaster and plenty of room for lounging, sunbathing and splashing galore. And if Ukrainians value their freedom and independence enough, they’ll understand that Americans too have a right to summertime fun and recreation. Otherwise, they’re more than welcome to take on Vladimir Putin all by themselves.”

Johnson pushed back against the notion that withholding invaluable equipment such as anti-tank missiles and fighter jets necessary for Ukraine to conduct counter-offensive operations unless funding for Aquapolis is approved was in any way an improper demand.

“Yes, Ukrainians have seen virtually all of the city of Mariupol reduced to rubble,” Johnson said. “They saw citizens in Bucha murdered in their own homes and their bodies left lying in the streets. So, they would be in the perfect position to emphasize with Shreveportians desperate to beat the August heat.”

“Because, let’s face it, Splash Kingdom Oasis just isn’t going to cut it anymore,” he added, referring to Shreveport’s other water park destination that opened back in 2010.

Sources close to Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky describe him as being somewhat baffled by this most recent turn in events, but in a video statement released online, the leader nonetheless vowed to do everything it would take to receive the continued support of the United States.

“My American brothers and sisters, what is most important in all of this is the well-being of the next generation,” Zelensky said. “American children, free to have a place where their summer camp can take them for a carefree couple of hours. Ukrainian children, free not to be forcibly kidnapped by members of the Russian military and sent to far-off corners of Russia to be re-educated. We all remain forever one in the same in our problems and struggles.”

Johnson seemed to echo the Ukrainian president’s concerns about the perils faced by all parties going forward.

“I am sure that Ukrainians are fearful about the prospects of losing their homeland to an oppressive foreign invader,” Johnson said. “Just as some eight-year-old kid might be fearful the first time he stares down the Big Zipper Tornado Funnel Slide. Bottom line is if he is able to take that plunge, so should they. Let's help that little boy out, okay?”

DETAILS AT ELEVEN

October 25, 2023

BREAKING NEWS: Further embarrassment as new Speaker "Mike Johnson" revealed to be AI-generated non-entity

Shortly after seemingly ending a 22-day impasse that saw the ouster of previous Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy and three subsequent failed Speaker-Designates, House Republicans suffered an unexpected embarrassment as it was revealed that the newly elected Speaker, Mike Johnson of Louisiana, did not in fact exist in reality in any physical shape or form.

Instead, the alleged individual known as “Mike Johnson” was ultimately determined to be a completely AI-generated non-entity created by a series of complex computer algorithms based entirely on internet data collected on an agglomeration of existing Congressional Republicans.

“To say I’m embarrassed is a bit of an understatement,” one House Republican remarked. “I mean, I could have sworn Mike Johnson was an actual person. Honestly, the name sounded familiar enough. And I saw that he was a Republican from Louisiana, so that checked out. So, who was I to know that it turns out he was just an AI generated bot?”

Suspicion grew about Johnson’s existence when none of the 435 members of the House could ever remember ever having any sort of prior interaction with him either face-to-face or by any other means of communication.

While pictures of the alleged Mike Johnson widely circulated throughout the media prior to his election as Speaker, many people missed certain hints that those photos were actually created by AI image generating programs.

“There was a certain unearthly glossy sheen to all the pictures of the guy that just didn’t sit right,” MIT Data Tech analyst Tom Peters said. “That, and the fact that he appeared to have seven fingers on his right hand, an abnormally long neck, a third leg, and his suit jacket blended seamlessly into his bare left arm.”

Information in the fictitious Johnson’s official biography and various press releases also set off some red flags.

“His bio states he attended The University of Louisiana in New Orleans,” Peters noted. “But in reality, there is no such school. There's a University of Louisiana in Lafayette, and a Louisiana State University in Baton Rouge. There must have been some crossed signals that ChatGPT was unable to independently justify.”

Peters said that Johnson was created by AI programs tasked with creating the profile of an archetypal Republican in Congress.

“A white male with a common sounding Anglo-American name, coming out the Southeast, expressing doubts about the validity of the 2020 election and signaling opposition to various policies of President Biden such as providing further military assistance to Ukraine,” Peters said. “All in all, computers couldn’t have made a more perfect Republican.”

Despite the underlying shame of electing a Speaker of the House who—as facts revealed—never actually existed, House Republicans say they have no current plans to replace the Faux Mike Johnson with an actual sentient living human being as Speaker.

“To be perfectly blunt, Mike Johnson’s everything we wanted in a Speaker, even though he’s nothing more than a very long string of zeroes and ones,” a Republican congressperson was quoted as saying. “We wanted someone who would cause government to come to a complete halt, thus sabotaging any efforts President Biden might have sought in progressing his agenda for the country’s interest. And who could be more perfect at doing that than someone who doesn’t actually exist in reality?”

DETAILS AT ELEVEN

October 12, 2023

I honestly really don't know what to say at all about the situation in Israel and Gaza.

Other than the fact that it is horrible. All of it. Every little bit of it.

I'm not even going to attempt to assign blame, or take sides, or claim who is justified or what.

The entire situation, dating back years to decades, is complex and difficult to an exponential degree.

And every action seems to cause a reaction that only seems to compound upon itself, and by that point, any justification of anyone's actions seems to become more and more muted as the actions and reactions ping-pong.

In this respect, it is nothing like the current situation with the Russia-Ukraine War, which is pretty much as cut-and-dry as you can get when it comes to right and wrong.

The only thing I can say for certain is that any atrocities or hostilities directly targeting innocent civilians can never be justified. Ever. No matter who engages for it, or whatever reason they claim to do so.

And that's the only tiny slice of moral clarity that I can get out of this entire morass.

September 13, 2023

The Right's Zombie Lie about Joe Biden and the Prosecutor General Shokin

One of the most enduring lies about Joe Biden perpetrated from the Right claims he “openly bragged” about getting a Ukrainian Prosecutor General Shokin fired in 2016, supposedly to protect his son Hunter who sat on the board of Burisma, a Ukrainian energy company.

This lie first started making the circuits in 2019, when the scandal of Donald Trump extorting Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky to deliver dirt on his prospective opponent Biden under threat of security guarantees came to light, ultimately resulting in Trump’s first (but not last) impeachment.

That lie was easily debunked by documentable facts in 2019. It takes a mere few minutes of internet research to confirm that the claim is a lie. And it remains just as easily debunkable (if not more so) today.

Despite this, the lie continues to persist and live on in circles in the Right. And now—despite being so easily disprovable—Republicans in Congress have made it a central and very public accusation in their Quixotic quest to impeach President Biden, 7 years after the facts of the story took place.

First things first—there was no investigation of Hunter Biden (or Joe Biden) by Ukrainian authorities. There has never been an investigation of Hunter Biden by Ukrainian authorities. Technically, the investigation at issue wasn’t even into Burisma itself, but rather Burisma’s founder Mykhola Zlochevsky. That investigation in Ukraine had been spurred on in good part by a prior investigation of Zlochevsky’s assets in the United Kingdom in 2014.

Now what is true? That Joe Biden in January 2018—as former Vice President—recounted the facts behind Shokin’s firing during an event hosted by the Counsel for Foreign Relations. Specifically, Biden said that when he was sent as envoy by the White House to Ukraine in late 2015, he delivered an ultimatum to then-Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko: replace Shokin as Prosecutor General, or risk losing a potential US aid package to Ukraine.

But that’s as true as the story will ever get. Because as a 5-minute Google search of the facts from sources contemporaneous to Shokin’s ultimate firing in 2016, it’s very clear that everyone—not just Joe Biden in some mythical effort to protect his son against a non-existent investigation—wanted Shokin gone. That Vice President Biden was acting as a messenger of official White House policy. That this was also the policy of numerous other entities, including the European Union, International Monetary Fund, and World Bank because they believed Shokin was doing too little in fighting internal corruption. That Shokin wasn’t even a real threat to any investigation against Zlochevsky/Burisma because he had essentially abandoned efforts in that pre-existing investigation.

Just a handy reference for reporting about Shokin—not from 2019 or 2023, when Republican spin on the subject began—but from 2016, when Shokin was actually fired and there was no hint of controversy at all to the story.

First of all, we know the State Department under President Obama wanted Shokin gone:

https://www.rferl.org/a/ukraine-nuland-oligarchs-corruption/27615366.html

We also know the European Union wanted Shokin gone:

https://www.irishtimes.com/news/world/europe/eu-hails-sacking-of-ukraine-s-prosecutor-viktor-shokin-1.2591190



As did the International Monetary Fund (IMF):
https://www.ft.com/content/44c1641e-cff7-11e5-831d-09f7778e7377



Other NGOs also calling for Shokin’s ouster included the Atlantic Council:

https://www.atlanticcouncil.org/blogs/ukrainealert/seven-key-reforms-for-ukraine-in-2016/



Now, notably in the face of such a rebuttal, certain persons on the Right have nonetheless insisted that, no, Shokin actually was investigating Burisma at the time he was fired and therefore was somehow a threat to Joe/Hunter Biden. Of course, this doesn’t explain everyone else wanting Shokin gone. But even this is blatantly false.

The fact was, Shokin had done next to nothing in terms of the Zlochevsky/Burisma investigation. Shokin took office on February 10, 2015 and remained in office until March 29, 2016. The only action on the Zlovhecsky/Burisma front during this time period was a seizure order of Zlochevsky’s assets. However, that order was actually entered on February 2, 2015—by Shokin’s predecessor eight days before Shokin actually took office. Zlochevsky appealed that order in the courts. It was tentatively struck down by the courts on December 25, 2015 but then reinstated by the courts on January 27, 2016, with the order being published on February 4, 2016. The most important thing to know about this is that Shokin himself had nothing to do with any of it—it was all initiated by his predecessor and then fought over in the courts. And there’s no evidence Shokin himself had done anything productive at all regarding either Zlochevsky or Burisma during his roughly 1 year in office.

People on the right have disingenuously claimed the February 4, 2016 published order reinstating the asset seizure was somehow the work of Shokin. It was not; it was simply a reinstatement of the February 2, 2015 asset seizure initiated by Shokin’s predecessor.

This is all laid out quite well by the Washington Post (possible paywall):

https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2019/12/04/gop-tries-connect-dots-biden-ukraine-comes-up-short/

It’s also discussed in detail in a 2020 House interview with former US Envoy George Kent (who testified during the first impeachment hearing):

https://www.hsgac.senate.gov/wp-content/uploads/imo/media/doc/2020-07-24-Kent%20Interview%20with%20Exhibits.pdf

The Right (including a recent piece by opinion columnist Miranda Devine in the worst newspaper in the country, a.k.a. The New York Post) has also cited to a couple of items of correspondence in 2015 that they claim the State Department and European Union were actually pleased with Shokin’s work; the actual items of correspondence reveal nothing more than some vague general compliments that were likely meant as attempts at encouraging a further crackdown of corruption; nonetheless, the subsequent statements from 2016 show that it was unequivocally clear that both the State Department and the EU felt that Shokin had ultimately failed in his mission and needed replacement.

The bottom line is that most recent lie being pushed by Republicans in favor of impeachment is nothing but a Zombie lie, long discredited but nonetheless persisting on despite its lack of any sort of truth.

September 12, 2023

Remember Whitewater?

Well, maybe we political nerds do.

Most ordinary Americans probably don't. Even those who were around in the 90s.

Whitewater was the byzantine, nebulous "scandal" alleged against the Clintons that lead to the appointment of a Special Prosecutor--first Robert Fiske, but subsequently the late and infamous Ken Starr.

Ask anyone what Whitewater was actually about and it's doubtful they'd tell you.

There was something about a land deal in Arkansas, a defunct savings-and-loan, bank records, billing records, and--wait, your eyes are glazing over already, right?

It all was terminally dull, confusing, and most importantly of all, didn't seem to actually implicate the Clintons in anything. The hope was that it would lead to something scintillating and shocking that would outrage Americans and turn them against President Clinton. Or at least mire them in rumor and innuendo of wrongdoing.

But nobody cared. Nobody had any sort of reason to care, because there was nothing to care about. It was the biggest non-story of non-stories.

Once Starr had commandeered the Special Prosecutor ship, he realized the Americans' complete sense of apathy towards the Whitewater story. And thus he somehow was able to parlay it from a vague, confusing two-decades old financial matter into allegations of more recent inappropriate personal behavior by President Clinton--namely the Paula Jones sexual harassment civil suit. How he managed that turn of events, I'm still not 100% sure. But nonetheless, it eventually lead to the discovery of a consensual relationship between Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky, which Clinton subsequently denied under oath, and in turn which Republicans ultimately used for purposes of impeachment.

That scandal Americans do remember.

Of course, the economy was absolutely roaring under President Clinton, and most Americans didn't feel the need to make an impeachment issue over what was at most a personal failing by the President.

Still, the Republicans got the impeachment of President Clinton that they had always wanted, as laughable and unpopular as it was. And despite President Clinton's obvious acquittal in the Senate, the scandal did still leave an embarrassing mark on his personal legacy.

But it wasn't over Whitewater.

It's not exactly clear what Republicans want to impeach President Biden over. They've drudged up various bank statements and made references to his son and his financial dealings. There's references to supposed shell companies and beneficiaries and money transfers and--your eyes are glazing over again, right?

This all is just Whitewater 2.0--a confusing twisted-up financial story that most likely won't reveal any actual wrongdoing by the President, and won't actually grab the attention of Americans by storm because it is neither straight-forward and simple (as was the case in Donald Trump's two impeachments) nor salacious and sexy (as it was with President Clinton's impeachment).

The bad news for Republicans in this case, however, is that there's unlikely to be a Lewinsky story at the end of the proverbial rainbow that they can massage into it in order to spice it up.

And so this, like Whitewater, will eventually disappear into the ether, never to be remembered and never to be understood.

August 23, 2023

BREAKING NEWS: Facing charges, Giuliani turns self in at Six Flags Over Georgia

After being indicted in Georgia for allegations of election interference in that state, former New York City Mayor and Donald Trump legal advisor Rudy Giuliani attempted to surrender himself today to officials at the security guard office for Six Flags Over Georgia, an amusement park located approximately 15 minutes outside of Atlanta.

“Hello? Hello?” Giuliani could be heard over the security office’s closed-circuit surveillance system. “I’m here to turn myself in.”

While Atlanta District Attorney Fani Willis gave Giuliani and the 18 other defendants charged in the indictment until Friday, August 25th to surrender themselves to state law enforcement for processing, Giuliani jumped on the opportunity to attempt an alternate arrangement.

“They told me I had to turn myself into the authorities down here in Georgia,” Giuliani said. “Well, you guys have badges and s__t, right? Hell, I figured if I had to do this, might as well do it at some place fun.”

“I bought myself one of those fast passes to help speed things along,” he added. “Best $85 I ever spent. There’s that Batman stunt show I want to check out when this is all done. Don’t want to miss that!”

Six Flags security personnel were reportedly miffed at Giuliani’s request, but attempted to humor the former mayor as best as possible.

For example, when Giuliani asked whether he would have to pose for a mugshot, security enlisted the help of a nearby caricature artist, who promptly drew up a whimsical portrayal which featured Giuliani with a cartoonishly large head riding a unicycle and holding an ice cream cone.

Finally, after “processing” Giuliani, security personnel presented him with a Bugs Bunny plush toy and told him he was free to go.

Giuliani, however, had one more request.

“Can you tell me what place around here sells those soft pretzels?” he asked. “Because between you, me, and the moon here, I am famished!”

DETAILS AT ELEVEN

August 3, 2023

Sidney Powell

A story I remember regarding Sidney Powell.

Back in mid-to-late November 2020, after the election had been called for Joe Biden but when the Trump team was first making waves about the "stolen" election, I recall a post on my Facebook feed. It wasn't from a friend, but rather one of those friend-of-friends. Obviously a big Trump supporter. Also a really terrible person in general, but that seems to go hand-in-hand with the prior fact.

Anyways, the post contained a picture of Sidney Powell, who I wasn't very familiar with, and an accompanying story from some right-wing source containing Powell's claims of a stolen election.

The post read something to the effect of (paraphrasing): "This is Sidney Powell. She's a highly respected attorney. If the things she's saying about the 2020 election aren't true, she could not only lose her law license, she could actually go to jail. So you have to ask yourself why would she ever put that all on the line and lie?"

Obviously, the last part was meant to be a rhetorical and not literal question, intended to insinuate that Powell would never say anything so important unless it was the God's honest truth.

And yet, here we are two and a half years later and Sidney Powell has:

1. Been proven to have spread lies about the 2020 election
2. Referred for discipline and potential disbarment in numerous jurisdictions
3. Identified as "Co-Conspirator Number 3" in the criminal indictment of Donald Trump, meaning she is at risk of being indicted herself.

Now the final question being asked remains, but it's no longer loaded or rhetorical; why would she put her reputation, career and freedom on the line to lie for Donald Trump?

July 28, 2023

Picture this: Democratic Underground, 2008.

An exciting presidential candidate by the name of Barack Obama is taking the country by storm. Americans everywhere are debating as to what song to use as their profile song for their Myspace Page. The Dark Knight dazzles at the box office, and a little known singer named Lady Gaga is preparing to drop her debut album.

And here at Democratic Underground, we get a message out of Sheboygan, Wisconsin from a 14 year old political wunderkind by the name of Asher Heimermann.

https://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x3686221

Or at least that's how he frames himself as being. And at first, it seems innocent and endearing. He seems just like a young kid who claims to be an Obama supporter who is raising money for Barack Obama's campaign. And most people applaud in good faith, because we like that sort of thing.

But then, the wheels seem to slowly start to come off the Asher Heimermann wagon.

Because while he claims to be doing this for Obama, he starts coming off as rather...self-absorbed.

He titles all his posts as "Comment from Asher Heimermann," as if it's some royal fiat or declaration.

He starts relentlessly pushing his own personal website and newsletter, which is all amazingly about him and only him.

And while he claims to be raising money for Obama, he's insisting that people send the money directly through him, as opposed to the campaign itself. Which probably isn't kosher in terms of campaign finance-wise. And seems mightily grifter-ish.

So some people begin to grumble and question his motives. Other people get defensive, and accuse the first camp of ganging up on a poor teenager who claims he just wants to be politically active. Fists fly. Accusations abound. Brother against brother. Father against son, and mother against daughter. Pretty soon Democratic Underground becomes all-consumed as to what do do with Asher Heimermann.

And at that point, Asher himself springs to action, and makes an important announcement to everyone on the website. He titles it "CONFERENCE CALL IN 15 MINUTES!" and demands that everyone here join him on a very important telephonic conference call where the topic will be exclusively about him and his activism and his tremendous value to the DU website.

At that point, the jig here is pretty much up for Asher, and he gets PPR'ed (or "Tombstoned" as we liked to call it back then).

The story for Asher doesn't necessarily stop there though. While he's no longer a mainstay here at DU, he continues to fashion himself a big deal in his hometown of Sheboygan.

In 2011 as a 17 year old, he runs for Sheboygan mayor. In 2012, he runs for the Wisconsin legislature. Of course, he doesn't come close to winning any of these elections, but it's enough to give him some press in the local media, the Huffington Post and even apparently on NBC's Today Show.

But what may have started out as cute when he was younger quickly turns into a local nuisance once he hits adulthood.

He decides to rig his car up with flashing lights, wear an official police-styled looking uniform, and go around to accidents in his area as self-described "Incident Response," but really would just take pictures of accidents and immediately upload them onto social media, even before families of victims can be notified.

He jumps on unfounded rumors of school shootings, creating alarm where none is warranted.

He's basically Kyle Rittenhouse--down to the Wisconsin birthright--but sans the double homicide, thankfully.

Understandably, locals are none too pleased.

But the Adult Asher Heimermann abides nonetheless.

He's created a new website titled--no joke---"The Executive Office of Asher Heimermann":

https://eoah.org/

And if you read his "official bio,"--peppered with his many achievements such as being elected Freshman Class President, as well as various barbs at his former political opponents and classmates--you'll find that he claims to have long been a Republican activist since he was 10 years old, and that he claims to have supported Donald Trump in 2016 and 2020.

https://www.asherheimermann.com/?fbclid=IwAR1t79qISfQaqE3E9iZrAXC76Sb2T_gYT_bfQ7yJFxUQIyiE9DL-YdVTk3g

Which leads us to this very important question:

Were you playing us back in 2008, Asher? Were you?

Anyways, it's truly a train-wreck phenomenon, but still quite fascinating nonetheless: Tracking the trajectory of a malignant narcissist from adolescence all the way well into adulthood.

July 27, 2023

Jack Smith and the Blue Angels

When I was a young kid, one of my favorite things to do every year was to take in the annual air show over at the nearby air base.

Usually these shows would feature the famous Blue Angels aerobatic team. And there was one trick in particular they did that I remember.

There were 6 planes total in the Blue Angels. They’d all take off together and do a few initial stunts as a team.

Then two of the planes would inevitably split off from the group, while the remaining 4 continued to entertain the crowd.

And there would always come a point where we as the audience would be watching the four planes in front of us perform some stunt, when all of a sudden, one of the two planes that had split off would come up from behind the audience at a high speed and low altitude and surprise everyone. It would give everyone a great jump scare because while we were distracted by the planes in front of us watching them do a trick, the one solo plane would launch a sneak attack on us that no one saw coming.

And it was shocking, but once you got over that shock, you couldn’t help but laugh.

That’s what Jack Smith did today.

We were all watching him on the January 6th case and expecting something out of that today, and instead he comes out of nowhere and surprises us with the new Mar a Lago documents case charge against Trump.

A surprise “sneak pass” trick indeed!

July 25, 2023

Indictments are not like demerits or bad Yelp reviews.

You can't just shake them off or accuse them of being issued out of spite or jealousy, and be done with it.

Indictments mean there is evidence you broke a specific law and that you are being charged with a crime.

They mean you are facing the prospect of having to sit in person for a trial--possibly for a period of days to weeks, depending on the case--where your own personal culpability is on the line.

They mean you are facing the prospect of being found guilty, and having a punishment imposed for your guilt.

Including, in many circumstances, jail/prison time where you will be legally confined and deprived of personal liberty.

Indictments signal a process--a long, laborious, time-consuming process, with real consequences and repercussions.

That's why I don't get all the cynicism about Trump supposedly getting more popular after being indicted, or all the handwringing over trial dates.

First of all, any fortification of popular support for Trump following indictments is happening exclusively within the Republican Party.

He's not getting any support from independents, from moderates, or obviously from Democrats. Indictments only further hurt and erode support for Trump for anyone outside of the cloistered Republican/Trumpist base.

Secondly, regardless of whether any trial happens before the election or after the election, as of now, they're set to happen. And again, unless you're a diehard Trumpist, the fact that Trump is running as a man under indictment is a serious, serious liability and not as asset.

I think it's important to stop and take stock of the truly deep shit Donald Trump is in at the current moment. It's not to be brushed off casually.