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Tommy Carcetti

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Member since: Tue Jul 10, 2007, 03:49 PM
Number of posts: 42,680

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Trump's a malignant narcissist. DeSantis is a vindictive sadist. But then there's this guy...

...and for the life of me, I can't seem to put my finger on what his major malfunction is, but goddamn does he ever creep me the hell out.

I'm talking about Christopher Rufo, the brainchild of the nationwide Critical Race Theory scaremongering, who was recently assigned by DeSantis to essentially "fix" Florida's New College, an erstwhile respected honors institution within the Florida state university system.

Everything about the guy just skeeves me out on a visceral level, down to minute details on his Twitter profile. Like the pseudo-sepia colored profile picture that makes you think he belongs somewhere back in the 1860s, to the crossed swords emoji alongside his name that gives you the impression he's some knight in some secret medieval order during the Crusades.

He's fairly young--only 38--and unlike a Cro-Magnon like Trump, speaks in full sentences and multisyllabic words. That gives off the false impression that he's intelligent and well-spoken, thus affording him a false sense of authority among his acolytes.

But I don't know what it is, the way he issues these cold, emotionless fiat-type pronouncements on Twitter makes my skin crawl.

Take for example yesterday, addressing the New College Board meeting where five professors were unceremoniously stripped of their tenure, causing one dissenting board member to walk out.



On the accompanying video, he's not actually physically present at the board meeting but can be seen virtually projected up on the screen behind the meeting, like some sort of deranged Wizard of Oz. When the meeting ends as Dr. Lepinski (the dissenting board member) walks out, he just casually throws out a goodbye wave.

But the way this guy talks--how he has this cold, detached glee in a desire to dismantle Florida's public university system as it exists now and replace it with some bizarre, bastardized ultra-conservative curriculum in his own vision....it's just unsettling on a very real level.

Maybe he's a psychopath. Maybe he's just a plain old fascist. But he's just so incredibly...icky in his mannerism. Probably the only other person comparable in my mind is Stephen Miller--just someone who gets off with this very brainwashed jackboot authoritarianism and toying with the existing order to satisfy his own selfish ideological desires.

Posted by Tommy Carcetti | Thu Apr 27, 2023, 11:02 AM (7 replies)

BREAKING NEWS: Fox News to debut new primetime show, "Test Signal Pattern Tonight"

Following the sudden departure of top-rated Fox News primetime host Tucker Carlson--reportedly terminated in the wake of the gargantuan $787 million settlement entered into with Dominion Voting Systems to resolve that company's defamation lawsuit against the network--Fox News officials made haste to announce an immediate replacement for Carlson's program.

"We'd like to welcome the newest addition to the Fox News primetime family," a network official announced during a press conference at Fox's New York Headquarters. "Specifically, SMPTE color bars will continue to provide viewers with the fair and balanced coverage that Fox has been known for over the past 27 years."

Network officials say the brightly colored test pattern--containing vertical bars of gray, yellow, cyan, green, magenta, red, and blue--will "dazzle and delight" viewers during the 8 pm Eastern hours. The pattern will be accompanied by a constant, monotoned signal frequency sound, interrupted only for commercial breaks featuring spots for Mike Lindell's MyPillow products and erectile dysfunction treatments.

One factor proved more vital than all others in the decision to replace Carlson with a Test Pattern Signal.

"One longtime criticism of Fox is that it has not had enough people of color as program hosts," the network official explained. "So we figured, fine. We'll play ball. You want a person of color as host? Well then, try seven colors! That will shut everyone right up."

As for the incessant blaring signal sound that will go along with the signal bars for the duration of the program, network officials said it would be "left up to the viewer's imagination" as to what news or commentary might be reported underneath the long beeping sound.

"So long as whatever the viewer happens to be thinking doesn't cost us another couple of hundred millions of dollars," the official continued. "Lord knows we can't afford any more hits right know."


Posted by Tommy Carcetti | Mon Apr 24, 2023, 02:16 PM (14 replies)

BREAKING NEWS: Man convicted in January 6th attack makes unconventional offer to Clarence Thomas

A man recently convicted in the January 6, 2021 insurrection at the U.S. Capitol has made a rather unique and unconventional offer to Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, which he hopes will lead to a “mutually beneficial friendship” between the two of them.

Paul Franklin, 52, of Uniontown, Pennsylvania, was convicted by a District of Columbia court last December of trespassing, disorderly conduct and public urination as it relates to his involvement in the January 6th attacks and was sentenced to 60 days in prison, but has subsequently appealed that conviction.

Franklin says he has vowed to “take it all the way to the Supreme Court, if necessary.” And with that newly minted sense of purpose and dedication, he has taken a keen interest in the recent controversy surrounding Justice Thomas, where it is alleged the 32-year tenured Supreme Court justice may have received hundreds of thousands of dollars’ worth of luxury travel and other benefits from a wealthy donor.

“At first, when I heard about Justice Thomas, everything was about him getting trips to luxury resorts in Indonesia or these exclusive retreats up in the mountains, and I figured I couldn’t keep up with any of that,” Franklin explained. “But then I heard him give an interview where he said he really prefers to spend time vacationing in Walmart parking lots, and I figured well, hell, even I could swing that!”

With that, Franklin officially extended an offer to Thomas where the two could spend an entire evening hanging out in the parking lot of the local Walmart on whatever date of Thomas’ own choosing.

“I figured if we had the whole evening together, Clarence and I could sit around and shoot the s—t all night about whatever it is he likes to talk about, like the law, or women,” Franklin said. “Of course, I don’t know a whole much about the law other than the fact that taking a piss on the Senate dais is apparently something that is very much frowned upon. So, it would probably have to be about women.”

Franklin said he would “spare no expense” in entertaining the Supreme Court justice.

“I don’t know if he just wants to stay in the parking lot proper, or if he plans on going into the store at any time while he’s there,” he continued. “If it’s the latter, there’s some cool fishing gear in there I want to check out. And it’s a SuperCenter, so it’s got a food section where we can pick up some chips and maybe a six pack of Coors to enjoy in the parking lot.”

Besides quality time in the Walmart parking lot, Franklin also made the offer of providing Thomas with “fine dining.”

“They’ve got an Arby’s right next door there, so you know what that means,” Franklin said. “Seasoned curly fries! You know Clarence can’t resist that. Nobody can! Plus, you’ve got the sauces—the Arby’s sauce, the horsey sauce, all of them! And I promise you, Clarence wouldn’t have to pay a penny for any of it.”

“I’ve got you covered, buddy,” he added.

Still unclear was the matter of overnight accommodations, although Franklin insisted he would arrange for that as well.

“Now, I’m not sure if Clarence is planning on bringing an RV to the Walmart lot like a lot of the folks do,” he noted. “But if not, my buddy Tommy is the night manager over at the Holiday Inn Express, and he can hook him up with a sweet room up there on the second floor, completely free of charge.”

“Of course, I don’t mean an actual suite,” Franklin quickly added. “To be honest, I don’t think Tommy wants to attract any undue suspicion like that. I just mean ‘sweet’—as in it’s a really nice room. Like halfway between the elevators and the ice machine. Super convenient. But Clarence, I’m telling you now. We’re not talking about some basic, no-thrills Super 8 or anything. You’re going to be getting the entire Holiday Inn Express experience. Free breakfast, complimentary wi-fi, even a pool that’s open until 10 pm every night!”

Franklin did concede that if Justice Thomas was a stickler for “true luxury style accommodations,” there was a Hampton Inn just down the street and he would simply have to “bite the bullet, so to speak.”

While Franklin’s offer was technically made specifically directly to Justice Thomas alone, he added that Justice Thomas’ wife Virginia was very much welcome to accompany him to the parking lot soiree as well.

“I’ve heard about Ginnie, and it sounds like we have a lot in common,” Franklin said. “Well, maybe not everything in common. Whereas she and her husband may reside in a 5,000 square foot mansion in Northern Virginia, I myself live in a two-bedroom apartment directly facing the Pennsylvania Turnpike. But on the other hand, she and I both believe that the 2020 election was a complete sham and that its results should have been overturned by any and all means possible. So, in that respect, I think we pretty much see eye-to-eye, right?”

Notably, Justice Thomas was not the only high-profile political figure that Franklin made overtures towards.

“I told Donald [Trump] that an 18-hole round is entirely on me,” Franklin said. “No, I don’t actually have any connections to any courses in the area, but that mini-golf place over there on Farm Road? He can have at it on my dime. Besides, we all know putting’s the most important part of the game, anyways.”

“Just so sure as he doesn’t forget about that little pardon thingie once he gets re-instated back into office,” he emphasized.


Posted by Tommy Carcetti | Mon Apr 10, 2023, 11:52 AM (18 replies)

He's actually hating this. Don't be fooled.

Yes, much has been made about Donald Trump using his New York indictment and other pending legal troubles as campaign finance fuel.

Yes, his supporters are trying to frame him as some sort of righteous outlaw, some sort of Robin Hood, sticking it to the Man and the dreaded Deep State perpetually trying to bring him down.

Hell, Marge Greene actually compared to Nelson Mandela and Jesus.

Yes, Jesus. No joke.

But let's not fool ourselves about any of this. For all the punditry talk about Donald Trump using this unprecedented indictment to his political advantage, for all the long-winded, all-caps tweets--err, sorry, "Truths"--from the Former Office Occupant, there's one thing that's absolutely undeniable.

He hates this.

He absolutely hates every single thing about this.

Of all the images from Tuesday, one of the most indelible of all was this still photo of Trump in the courtroom:

It's rather astonishing. You see him sitting in this dark, dingy, wood-paneled New York criminal courtroom. He's wearing his trademark red tie but conspicuously absent is that trademark shit-eating smirk of his. Instead, his face remains plain, his eyes signaling considerable discomfort. He's sitting hunched over in the middle of the Defendant's table, surrounded by his no-name, two-bit Defense attorneys and a couple of uniformed officers of the Court.

And in this one picture, we see someone who once held the very highest office in the land, and who was presumably one of the most powerful men on earth, and yet he looks no different than any other pathetic defendant in any other highly publicized criminal trial that we've seen splashed on TV over the decades.

And what's worse is that while, yes, this day is all about him, it's not about his power. Because the guy who once sat at the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office for four years is now sitting in an undersized chair at a plain wooden Defendant's table, and he's not the guy in charge in the room. Instead, he's literally facing a judge, a common state court judge at the trial level, and that judge is now the most important and powerful guy in this world instead of him.

And that absolutely has to kill him. The lack of power. The lack of control. For all the bluster, for all the showmanship of his private jet, of his tall Manhattan Tower, of his gilded Mar-a-Lago palace, everything about him here is centered in this fluorescently-lit, cheap wood paneled criminal courtroom.

In short, he now feels like what we have already known him to be for years: a loser.

He knows he's a loser, because he committed the very worst sin that he could ever imagine, and that was that he got caught.

There's no actual remorse for his deeds because there's never been any actual conscience in the man, but there is now a gnawing internal sense of self-pity and self-hatred because he's been forced to account. And that betrays all dignity.

Remember he teased and demeaned John McCain for his perceived sin of being captured in wartime. And while in actuality being a Prisoner of War is absolutely nothing like being a criminal defendant charged with multiple felonies, in Trump's feeble, malignantly narcissitic mind, there is no difference.

He got caught. And now he's a loser.

So yes, he hates this.

He hates every single waking minute of it.

And I, for one, can't be any happier for that fact.
Posted by Tommy Carcetti | Thu Apr 6, 2023, 10:35 AM (71 replies)

34 Felonies. Get your bottle today.

Posted by Tommy Carcetti | Tue Apr 4, 2023, 03:55 PM (0 replies)

DU EXCLUSIVE: List of potential judges approved by Donald Trump to preside over criminal fraud case

On April 4, 2023, Donald J. Trump became the first former U.S. President to be charged with a criminal offense, when he was indicted by a Manhattan grand jury for 34 felony counts stemming from allegations that he fraudulently misrepresented payments made to porn actress Stormy Daniels in order to procure her silence about a purported 2006 affair.

Assigned to preside over the case is New York Judge Juan Manuel Merchan, a 15-year veteran on the bench in the Manhattan Criminal Court. However, former President Trump has subsequently blasted Judge Merchan, alleging that the judge “hates” him and accusing him and his family of being unfairly biased against him.

Accordingly, the former President—claiming “inherent authority as President under Article 2, Section 2 of the U.S. Constitution”—has demanded that he be allowed to appoint the judge to hear his criminal case. Trump has reported submitted a list of candidates he deems sufficiently suitable and qualified to preside over the matter, and in an exclusive, we here at DU have obtained a copy of that list.

The names include:

Justice Amy Coney Barrett
Justice Neil Gorsuch
Justice Brett Kavanaugh
Justice Brett Kavanaugh’s bartender
Justice Brett Kavanaugh’s thankless and utterly futile AA sponsor
Retired baseball all-star David Justice
Judge Aileen Cannon
Judge Jeannine Pirro
Judge Joe Brown
Judge Lance Ito (Hey? Remember the 90s?)
Judge Reinhold
Judd(ge) Nelson
The Klingon Judge from Star Trek VI
The panel of judges for the 2013 Miss Universe pageant
New York Yankees outfielder Aaron Judge
Alan Dershowitz*
Bill Barr
The guy who replaced Bill Barr, wait, what’s his name?
Newsmax host and noted bath salt aficionado Greg Kelly
Marjorie Taylor Greene
Distinguished Harvard Law Professor George Santos
Judicial Watch President Tom Fitton (who--despite being head of an organization named "Judicial Watch"--is not an actual attorney but he can sure rock the hell out of a golf shirt!)
"Gudy Ruiliani"
Vladimir Putin
That guy from Night Court
That other guy from Night Court
Frank and Mildred Murphy, a retired couple living a quiet life in the small town of Kinsley, Kansas
Donald Trump Jr.***
Lady Justice—but, like, a really, really super-hot Lady Justice
A bald eagle with a single teardrop falling from its eye
A row of unpurchased, autographed books by Mark Levin purchased in bulk
The undead, tortured spirit of Ken Starr summoned up from the fiery pits of Hell
Breitbart commentator ICuckedYourMomLOL69
A store mannequin dressed up as a judge
A box of highly classified documents hidden inside the Mar-a-Lago pool pump station room

…and finally…

Manhattan Superior Court Judge, the Honorable David T. Dennison

* Judicial robe and/or other appropriate clothing is optional

**If unavailable, to be substituted by Catturds 3, 4, and/or 6 (But not 5!)

***Please refer to attached rider as to required “medications” to be provided upon request in chambers

Posted by Tommy Carcetti | Tue Apr 4, 2023, 10:57 AM (1 replies)
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