BREAKING NEWS: New upstart venture Trump Nuclear announces start of business operations

[Tommy Carcetti]

Shockwaves reverberated all across the Military-Industrial Complex as word of a new player in the game of nuclear weapons was announced. But in a twist, this newest player has a very familiar name to it.

Today, the Trump Organization publicly announced the founding of its newest business venture, Trump Nuclear, which it says will focus on the research, development, production, marketing and distribution of nuclear energy, materials and weaponry across the globe.

“We’re here to offer our clients a variety of the finest products in fission technology,” a Trump Organization spokesperson said. “From specialized battlefield tactical nukes all the way up to massive thermonuclear hydrogen bombs, we aim to please by delivering products that not only provide maximum explosive firepower, but do so with the utmost level of panache and class.”

Trump Nuclear said their mission was to change the way countries and paramilitary organizations looked at nuclear proliferation, and to remove the red tape typically associated with development of such weapons by outsourcing it to the private sector, thus allowing a stress-free environment for those seeking to gain an added advantage in global geopolitics.

“And we’re going to have some fun with it, too,” the spokesperson enthused. “People think ‘nuclear weapons’ and they think dull, drab olive-green mechanical devices. Trump Nuclear is going to change that completely. All of our weaponry is going to come in a choice of silver, gold or platinum coating, signifying that the person detonating it will spare no expense in annihilating his or her sworn enemies.”

“And we’re going to have guaranteed two-day shipping for all products!” he added.

While the official grand opening of Trump Nuclear isn’t scheduled to take place until sometime this fall, the company has already been quietly been doing business on a beta-test level for several months. Trump Nuclear officials state that plans to develop the company began at some point in early 2021.

So far, sources say a review of the list of Trump Nuclear’s clients reveals both some familiar and expected names as well as some surprises.

“North Korea, Russia, and Saudi Arabia all have made inquiries,” one intelligence official said. “Also, Iran, which is a bit of a surprise given the level of antagonism that existed during the Trump administration. But I think the Trump Nuclear thinking on Iran is that if you can’t beat them, supply them.”

But not all countries looking to do business with Trump Nuclear were traditional rogue powers.

“There were a few names that came completely out of left field,” the intelligence official noted. “For example, Liechtenstein! That’s right—Liechtenstein! You can’t blame them, though. Little people wanting to think big. And when I say ‘little people,’ I’m not just speaking metaphorically. Honestly, I don’t think there was a Liechtensteiner government representative over 5 foot 8 at the sales pitch meeting.”

Besides officially recognized governmental entities, several paramilitary organizations and unrecognized nation states also have already sought out the services of Trump Nuclear. Representatives from the Islamic State, the Donetsk People’s Republic in Eastern Ukraine, and a confederation of separatist militias from Eastern Oregon have all either already purchased materials from Trump Nuclear or have inquired about doing so.

While the entry of Trump Nuclear into the weapons of mass destruction market has undoubtedly created a tremendous level of excitement, many questions still remain about the actual quality and effectiveness of the products being sold. Even Trump Nuclear has admitted that not all customers have been satisfied with the inventory stock so far.

“We have received at least one complaint so far,” a company spokesperson said. “Specifically, from the East Oregonian Nationalists. Apparently, the Donald Junior Tactical Explosive Device they had purchased from us failed to detonate outside the gate of a National Guard installation near Pendleton. And yes, they were initially quite upset about that. However, we reached out to them and quickly assuaged their concerns. They’re now currently at the top of the waiting list for the new Ivanka Boosted Fission Weapon that’s due out in December. Just in time for Christmas!”

Initial product related hiccups or not, one thing is certainly undeniable: Trump Nuclear wants to make a huge impact on consumers that they say will translate into a true game-changer when it comes Mutually Assured Worldwide Destruction.

“We’ve all seen the power of the Trump name,” the spokesperson said. “Whether it is casinos, steaks, vodka, airlines, universities or any number of products whose stories exemplify the unparalleled level of business success of the Trump Organization throughout the years, we could think of no product more fitting to bring it all to a fantastic conclusion than a Trump Nuclear weapon.”

DETAILS AT ELEVEN.