White House Evacuated After Trans Alarm Goes Off

[Zorro]

Trump Shaken After Close Brush With Trans Person

In a stunning security breach that reportedly left many top-ranking administration officials vulnerable to attack, the White House was evacuated Tuesday after the building’s trans alarm went off.

Officials confirmed the transgender alert system was triggered during President Donald Trump’s morning briefing, when infrared estrogen sensors in the West Wing detected a large spike in gender fluidity dangerously close to the Oval Office. With an alarm blaring the words “Trans, trans, trans,” the Secret Service initiated a Code Rainbow, which prompted agents to rush the president to safety, place Cabinet members in a hormone-proof bunker, and secure the premises from radical gender ideology.

“At approximately 10:02 a.m., a transgender individual actively approached the perimeter of a highly restricted cisgender-only area,” said Secret Service chief Sean Curran, adding that the trans alarm operated as intended when it immediately cut the lights, initiated a siren, and lowered several trans-resistant blast doors. “Thanks to our brave, quick-thinking officers on the White House security detail, President Trump and the penis he was born with are safe from any harmful hormone therapies or gential mutilation.”

“We train for this,” Curran added. “We are thankful the president was unharmed and remains a straight white cisgender male.”

Staff have yet to return to the White House, where the situation remains gender fluid.

In security video taken from the scene, Secret Service agents could be seen shielding Trump as they quickly outfitted him with a hormone-proof vest and whisked him across the White House lawn, where he was loaded into a Blackhawk helicopter. Upon reaching Andrews Air Force Base, he was reportedly flown to an undisclosed location in an anti-trans jet equipped with technology that allowed it to scan the area for androgyny, gender nonconformity, and other LGBTQ-related threats.

https://theonion.com/white-house-evacuated-after-trans-alarm-goes-off/