Reply #24: Figure this out and be honest with yourself. [View All]

[SarahB]

Is there a chance with this other person or are you holding on to something so you don't have to think about problems within your marriage? For the first few years I was married (married 13 years now), I used to think a lot about an old boyfriend, but eventually let it go. I realize now after counseling on my own and as a couple, it was about getting married to a man nearly ten years my senior when I wasn't ready (or really in love), but I was 19, pregnant, and thought it was the right thing at the time. It was something I held onto because it was easier than facing how I really felt. How numb I felt in my marriage. Eventually, things got better for a few years and we had more kids, then the shit began to hit the fan 6&1/2 years ago when he began to make some lousy choices (and lied to me for a long time about them) that I don't want to go into. I kept trying and trying and trying, but my feelings for him died. They had to die out of self-preservation I think. I can't get them back. I've tried and tried and tried.

Last Fall, I unexpectedly began to have feelings for someone else and confessed to him that I wanted to get out of my marriage as soon as I could, not because of him but because I felt trapped and miserable. We didn't do anything physcially, but in better circumstances, we probably would have (massive chemistry). Things basically ended (still many lingering questions on my part he's not ready to handle at this point in time with me), but in the aftermath, I had to really face truths about myself and what kind of person I wanted to be. I could have just hid everything and my husband would have been none the wiser, but I have strong morals and ethics and I was ready to defy them. I can't and won't do that. I'm not built to be a liar. My feelings eventually came out to my husband about him (and over time about the other too), we went to counseling, and it turned into an angry shouting match most of the time. He still loves me and I'm breaking his heart, but I can't force myself anymore to try to feel what I don't feel.

When I began with this other person, it was just a little flirtatious thing, not knowing that we were kind of in a similar boat, only his boat was farther along as far as separating. I didn't expect to feel anything, but we realized so much of what we wanted in an another person, the other had. What we didn't see in our marriages and wanted, we saw in each other. I tried to keep it simple and not get to attached, but he began to get very emotional with me, then I gave in to my feelings. There were circumstances on his end that ended it and hurt a lot but was probably a blessing now because I had to face what I had to face without feeling as though another person responsible for breaking up my marriage- without entering another relationship as some lousy cheater. I had to get to a place where even if I was going to be alone, I had to know it was better than being married. I know that now and I'm not scared of being alone. I still have lingering feelings for this man, and suspect he does too on some level but has been hurt a lot already and has a lot going on in his own life at the moment, so whether it ever works out or not won't change what I want as far as leaving my marriage. It's over now and we both know it. It's just a matter of making it official.

I have a lot of responsibilities and life is not simple or easy, but I know that I have a lot to give the right person. I doubt much of what I said applies to you, but it feels good to write it anyway. So many of us have had feelings that you feel or have in one way or another felt similarly. My best advice is to start off with some counseling for yourself to let it out to someone. Sort through how you feel and if necessary, try to work as a couple. I take marriage very seriously and too many people flee too easily. Work. Work. Work. Give it time, then figure out what you want to do afterwords.