I TOTALLY OUTLIVED JESUS! (tell me this was written by Underpants!) [View All]

[matcom]

Jeff?
Jeff?

:D

<snip>

Well, as you know by now, today's my birthday. A big happy birthday to me! Oh, yeah! Everyone knows what this day means: Pabst Blue Ribbon pitchers at the Fuzzy Duck Inn. This year, I better see you there, because this isn't going to be just any birthday celebration. This year, my birthday will be a deeply meaningful, almost humbling occasion. See, I'm turning 34. That means I totally outlived Jesus!

You know, 33 was good. I had a pretty decent year, all in all. I started seeing Melissa, I moved into an apartment complex with a pool, and I solidified my position of authority at the car-stereo installation shop. But there was one thing I couldn't say that I'd done, until today: outlive Jesus Christ. Well, check the calendar. See that circle around today's date? See that '34' written there? In your face, Jesus!

Don't get me wrong. I'm not badmouthing Jesus. He's our Savior and the Son of God, and He has all of those churches dedicated to Him and books written about Him. He did a lot of amazing things, like that walking-on-water business. I'm just saying there's at least one area in which the ol' J-Man failed to outpace a certain birthday boy standing before you now.

Jesus and I have a lot in common, but we're different, too. I know how to draw a crowd, but I'd rather tell my great stories from the summer I worked at the water park than talk about Adam and Eve. He liked wine; I like my Pabst Blue Ribbon. What can I say? Kersh is a man of the people. At the end of the day, though, I think my accomplishments, miracles aside, pretty much measure up to Jesus'. Jesus was a carpenter, right? Carpentry is pretty cool, but the installation of mobile audio is cool, too. I know how to put the decks in, like, a hundred different cars. So Jesus and I are pretty even there. And without question, I beat Him, hands down, when it comes to not kicking the bucket before 34! Hey, take that, Jesus, you numbnuts!

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http://www.theonion.com/3936/opinion1.html