Reply #87: Some promises are made to be broken. ("don't tell I want to kill [View All]

[IdaBriggs]

myself" and "I'm being bullied" are both in that category.)

Your son has a legitimate concern. He does not want to appear to be the "weak one" in the herd, which would set him up for *MORE* attacks later. (Lowest ranking wolves in a pack, for example, are frequently killed by the rest of the pack, while "weak" herd animals are picked off by predators -- at some level, we humans always have those thoughts in the back of our brain, so your son is instinctively reacting in a "survival" mode to this situation.)

However, since the only alternative to "being weak" is "being strong," now you and your family must make a decision about what "strength" means to you.

-- Are you of a faith that requires "turning the other cheek?" If so, you and/or your son may consider "strength" to be going up to the child in question with compassion, and telling him that you and/or your son intend to pray for him daily, as well as put him on a prayer request because he is obviously going through some challenging times and is desperately seeking attention/distraction to deal with it.

-- Are you of a "speak your truth" persuasion? In other words, is it more important to you that your son learn the lessons of "never being afraid to tell the truth, regardless of the personal consequences?" If so, a polite conversation with the principal of the school expressing concern for this boy's mental health and well being might be in order, as demonstrated by the fact he may have been sexually abused in the past (based on his obsession with forceful pulling down of pants).

-- Are you a verbal confrontation type? If so, teaching your child "power words" to use in this situation might help. Have your son confront him in public, and bluntly ask, "Are you gay? And if not, what is your obsession with seeing my butt?" (This is not intended to demean homosexuals, by the way; but the behavior described is sexual in nature, and the words are strong "attack words" for most adolescents. It is also extremely challenging to respond to them.)

-- Are you a physical confrontation type? If so, a physical attack might stop things. Or it might escalate them. Either way, violence has been known to solve some problems, but the instant your son becomes the aggressor publicly, he is going to get "labeled" himself. It is also unlikely that this solution will be of any assistance to the boy who is causing the problem, as he will most likely simply move on to another victim. (The odds of him being a victim of some form of abuse or mental problem are pretty high, based on what you have reported in other responses.)

You obviously have a plethora of choices here, and the values you and your family bring to the table are going to be teaching "life lessons" for a long time. The child who is committing these acts is obviously having some serious emotional problems, but that is NO EXCUSE for your son to become his "emotional acting out punching bag." You have a challenging task of your own -- teaching your son to view someone else with compassion, and still not being a victim to the other child's abuse.

I am confident you will find a way to handle the situation with grace, courage, and strength, which will reinforce your family values (whatever they happen to be) in your family. This is not going to be an easy situation to resolve, but it will be one of the most important life lessons you can ever teach your child.

Good luck! :) Best, Ida